What Do Lesbians Prefer?
Do most lesbians prefer fingering or eating out for the “main” part of sex? Or just, what do you prefer? The reason I’m asking is because I’m curious and also I want to know because whenever I have sex with new people, I don’t know which one to do.
Just All Alone And Depressed
Hi all,
I am a lesbian, I realized that when I was 15yrs old. I always attracted to women only. Now I am 30 years old and working as S/W engineer. I never came out to anyone as I live in a conservative country where this is a crime. Now my parents are forcing me to get married. I can not tell this to them, they can never accept this being so conservative… I don’t know what to do… I just feel like ending this life as I am not able to take this torture to get married to a man. They forced me to meet men to fix the proposal. I have no idea what to do.
As I love my parents I don’t want to hurt them but I can not help them in this manner too… Please advise me… I have no friends here to share this… I feel so depressed and lonely…
Rose
Help
A month ago I kissed a girl and I wanted to go out with her but I found out she had a girlfriend. I talk to her once in a while on MSN and she is pretty friendly at me. A week ago I found out she broke up with her girlfriend so I asked her to get coffee with me and she didn’t answer my message. What should I do?
This (lesbian) question was sent to us by e-mail, if you have any questions but feel uncomfortable with posting them yourself feel free to e-mail: ask@thelesbianquestion.com.
Wanted: Young French-Speaking Lesbians (18-30)
Hi Gals!
Just passing on the information:
Dominique Bourque, professor at University of Ottawa (Canada) is currently doing a research on the perception of young french-speaking lesbian or bisexual women (18-30) towards sexuality and lesbianism.
Dominique Bourque, professeure à l’Université d’Ottawa, réalise une étude sur la perception qu’ont les jeunes femmes lesbiennes ou bisexuelles francophones (18-30 ans) sur la sexualité et le lesbianisme.
Je vous invite à répondre à ce questionnaire en ligne :
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=2NkO_2fG9YmTo8fXwWMcFnnQ_3d_3d
Site sécurisé, anonymat assuré.
Confused With Her Feelings…
Hi, I am a lesbian, and have been in a relationship for 5 years with my girlfriend. Last October I met a girl through work and she quickly became friends with me although I told her that I was gay. She invited me to her birthday after only 3 days of meeting me. We now are really close; she always tells me we are more than friends but less than lovers.
She has a boyfriend that she has never seen before, but chats to him on MSN and on the phone. She knows that I am in a strong relationship but she is always there, when we shop it’s like a couple arguing over what I should buy for my house. She comes to my house every other day; she always says that we are going to have sex (sorry for the language). She walks almost naked in front of me and waits for me to look at her. The way she looks at me is not like a friend would look at you. She always buys me things, for my birthday she sold her phone to buy me trainers that I told her I liked. She told me that if I was a boy she would marry me, or if I had I penis she would sleep with me.
She always plays with my hair, but I don’t understand if I am falling for her as well? I have her picture in my phone in my room on my wall… I buy her everything she likes, I cannot say no to her… we fight and she would call me back and talk as if we never argued. She always tells me that when she was younger she used to mess around with her friends, do things like kissing and touching each other… she always holds my hands or arm when we walk…
Can someone help me, and if you wonder where my girlfriend in all this is, she is in Canada, and should be coming soon…
I’m Straight but I Have A Crush On Another Straight Woman
I’m 30 and married. Always was straight, never thought of being with a woman. I love my husband and don’t want to do anything that would hurt him. But last year a 26 year old woman moved into my city to work for my company. We became friends very quickly because we have a lot in common. She lives with her boyfriend now and neither one of our men like to go out, so we have ladies night together quite often. One of the first times we went out, she got drunk and started telling me how much she loves me and how beautiful she thinks I am. I was surprised that she was willing to say so much so early in our friendship. Later, it just became a habit where she got into her “I love you” moments every time she had too much to drink. She has kissed a woman before, and has been on one date with a woman she met at the strip club, but the girl freaked out and they never saw each other after that. She also told me that if she ever breaks up with her man she’ll settle with a woman.
The reason why I’m writing is that I started feeling weird things for her, things I only felt for men this far in my life. And couple of months ago she told me that she fantasizes about me. That freaked me out because we are both straight (so far that is) and we both have a man in our lives. But I guess what freaks me out the most is that I feel the same way, have wondered what it’d be like to kiss her, and have had sexual dreams about her. She did tell me her boyfriend does not consider her getting intimate with a woman as cheating, he thinks of it as the simple actualization of a fantasy. I asked my husband what he thought about it (of course not telling him that I really want to do it with someone) and he said he considers it as cheating because it will always come back in arguments and the woman might like it and continue to do it.
We haven’t done anything but last time we went out, she kept caressing my arms and telling me how soft they were and we ended up hugging a few minutes too long and a few times before parting. Our hearts were beating so fast I had to get out of there. Now we are afraid to see each other because we don’t know what’s going to happen and we’re really worried about damaging our friendship. She’s my best friend and has told me multiple times that I’m the best friend she’s ever had. I love her but don’t really know if it’s friendship love or romantic love. I also have to add that she no longer works with me but we live pretty close to each other. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Lesbian Friends Or Girlfriends?
So I’m 16, gay, from Ohio and I’ve dated one girl and talked to a few from MySpace or random teen sites but I want to find girls around my area who I didn’t meet online because I find it embarrassing. I’m self conscious when I go out this definitely doesn’t help but I wouldn’t know where to go to find any girls my age. It’s not like I’m 18 and can go to a gay bar… So any advice?
Making sense of it all: lesbianism, bi-sexuality, “the closet” and a positive history with men
My question is about what it means to be a lesbian, how one knows she is a lesbian, and develops an identity as a lesbian with a significant, often positive history with many men. I also want to understand the power of creating a closet – Can people really think they’re into the opposite sex for a long time and not know they are gay?
I grew up in a liberal, “accepting” environment, am very social justice-minded, and always felt I knew myself well.
I have known I wasn’t straight since I was 14. I identified as bisexual and was open about that with friends and men I dated. My primary parent had a negative reaction to this. I had a really intense relationship with a female in high school. It felt wrong and right. Our first kiss was the most powerful, overwhelming experience that made everything in my head go crazy and make sense all at once. After her I basically only dated men, aside from a few flings with women over the years. I had two very serious relationships with men. I left both, they were heartbroken, I was relieved. Both are wonderful, kind, smart men. I though I loved them, I spent much time thinking about marriage kids, planning our lives together. Now I don’t know if I have ever been in love. I think I wanted marriage/kid/sensitive husband/heterosexual icons so badly, and because of a challenging background I think I really relied on and needed their love for and support of me.
I have had very sexual relationships with men, and I think I enjoyed sex with them… though in my last relationship I certainly used to want it to end quickly and eventually felt very not into it. Maybe that has always happened after the first couple of months with a man. Now the idea of having sex with a man seems pretty gross… but I know there have been times in the past when I probably wanted it. I don’t know how to make sense of that.
I’m in my 20s, and after leaving the last boyfriend, I started reading through my journals, reflecting, acknowledging my feelings for a friend and realizing I think I may be a lesbian. I fell into an intense, challenging, and passionate relationship with the friend. We split eventually, but I am right now only dating women though I am theoretically open to a guy… just not interested.
The main question to me now is if I am I gay? Or am I bisexual? I haven’t been attracted to men in a while, certainly since I more publicly came out to my community, family and friends as “queer.” But every now and then I feel some vague draw to a guy, though it usually ends quickly. I am definitely more physically attracted to women. But I am very drawn to hetero images still…
Other questions: Why does it matter to me to identify one way or the other? Am I turning to questioning my sexual orientation just because my experiences with men have been so unfulfilling and I have felt so misunderstood – what if those were simply the wrong men? Are there other women who have grown up in liberal, “accepting” environments, are strong, social justice-minded, feel like they know themselves, yet have still felt tremendous, overwhelming pressure to be in the closet to the point where they almost didn’t know they are gay? Can you be a “transitional bisexual” for years? I feel I have a strange story of being out at a very young age (openly in a relationship with a girl at least in high school), then going back into the closet basically during my early 20s for a few years, and then re-coming out. Really seeking insight, feeling very lost about this.
Share Your Stories
Hi everyone,
Sorry, this’ll be a little long:
When I was in middle school, I came across a newspaper article about a lesbian teenager in Orange County named Charlene Nguon who led a court case against her high school for discrimination and violating her right to privacy. (They expelled her and told her parents that she was lesbian) I stored it in my memory bank.
Now fast forward a few years, I’m in high school, just finished my junior year. I’m at a very crucial point in my life– you know, trying to figure out what to do with my life and such. Filmmaking is a passion, though I’m still an amateur.
Anyway, for a lot of my life, I tried to distance myself from “Asian” or “Vietnamese” because of the stereotypes that came with it. In the process of trying to reclaim my culture, I began to watch some Vietnamese stuff with my parents. And I thought: wow, a lot of mainstream Vietnamese American media is outdated! Then I thought about all the things that are ignored, the LGBTQIA community among them. I can’t even think of a word for lesbian in Vietnamese, although I’m sure there is one.
There’s a huge connection between misogyny and homophobia. Vietnamese culture is very patriarchal and male oriented, which naturally leads to more homophobia. I’ve seen a few homophobic spoofs about gay men, but NEVER EVER have I seen anything about lesbian women. Mainstream Vietnamese media just pretends like they don’t exist. Since media plays such a significant role our development as people, I’m afraid that this is creating an intolerant, hostile environment for lesbian Vietnamese women.
So to the point: I’m beginning to work on a film about a Vietnamese lesbian teenager; to explore the complex experiences that are not only specific to being a part of the LGBTQIA community, but also entwined in issues of age-ism(?), racism, and sexism.
As a heterosexual woman, I cannot assume that I know or understand the experiences of Vietnamese lesbian teens/ young people and this is where I need some help. I’ve looked more into Charlene Nguon’s story recently, though she’s not Vietnamese and I would really like to make this more Vietnamese-specific. I would really appreciate anything anyone is willing to share with me, whether it be about experiences as an Asian lesbian in general or about more specific emotions that you felt/feel.
Thank you so much & I look forward to hearing/reading your answers.
More Ups and Downs Than a Roller Coaster
This may be a confusing post, and for that I apologize. I came out when I was a junior in college. At that time I was so desperately “in love” with my best friend that I was CERTAIN it was because I was gay. Love for a female automatically means you’re gay, right?
A lot of my friends in college were gay, and to this day many of my circle are gay. Here’s the problem: I have since had a physical encounter with a female, and it was awful. It did nothing for me and I even ended up faking it. I have also been borderline in love with a man, but still don’t find myself physically attracted to any gender in particular. My closest circle of friends are all straight, so have never had to weigh the question of their own sexuality. My next ring of friends already assumes that I’m “family” – and the truth is, I don’t know what I am – gay, straight, bi, asexual.
Could it be I’m just in love with the idea of being in love? I know none of you can answer for me whether I am gay or straight. But any advice on how to figure it out once and for all would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
LOST
I don’t know what to do. I am in a relationship with a man and we’ve been together going on 4 years, I have always been honest about being attracted to women with him. We are at a weird stage in our relationship and he doesn’t want to have sex with me. Sex has always been amazing with him so I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to but usually in order for me to climax when we do have sex I always think about women or we talk ‘dirty’ and he gives me a scenario that I’m with a girl instead of him. I usually feel ashamed afterwards because of the thoughts I do have.
Not being in the greatest place with my boyfriend has made me think a lot about what I want. I think women are extremely sexy, I’m not afraid to admit that but I’m terrified and I don’t even know how I would go about beginning a relationship with a woman. I just feel so lost and maybe if I had a friend who was lesbian or bi I would be able to figure out all these feelings that I have… I just need some advice on what to do, where to go, who to trust? Like I said I’m completely LOST.
Still Questioning…
At 23 I had my first sexual experience and subsequent relationship with a woman after years of being straight. Two years later, I still struggle with figuring out whether I am bisexual now or a lesbian. I still feel like a straight woman who just happens to have a relationship with another woman. I find myself still attracted to men and some women but definitely picture myself with men, maybe because it’s easier (to picture). I find myself wanting to date other people and leave my relationship but I don’t know want to lose someone great just because I want to explore other options. How important is exploring with several people to maybe figure myself out, versus having a committed and fulfilling relationship that I could lose out on?
Don’t Know What I Can Do…
So, I’m in my first year of college/university, and have met some really awesome people at my hostel. And… I think I may have finally found someone that I like, as in really like. There have been a couple of guys that I thought I liked in the past, but I think it was more ‘liking them because they liked you’.
At first, I felt myself being kind of attracted to one of my friends, who is a girl. My group of girl friends all joke and flirt and stuff like that, so it was fine. But then that girl confused me, as sometimes she flirted with me, but then the next minute was talking about hot guys.
And it was during these moments of attraction that I found out that one of the girls in our group actually was gay. I had no idea! So naturally, I was curious, as I was having these feelings about my friend, so started hanging out more with my newly-found gay friend. But then…
I started liking her. My small feelings for my other friend went away, as I hung out more and more with my gay friend. We hung out every day, and stayed up really late, until 3am just hanging out. She was quite often the last one left in my room. And I couldn’t stop thinking about her!! I really really liked her, way more than I’ve ever liked anyone else.
And I was going kinda crazy just keeping this inside of me. So I decided that I had to tell her. I didn’t really think about how it might affect our friendship, I kind of just could feel that we would be okay. And, admittedly, I did actually almost think that she liked me back, just due to her flirting back with me, and other little things she did. So, I told her, face-to-face one night. She was really sweet about it, encouraging me to get it out and all that. But then, after I had told her – and she said that she’d kinda guessed – she never really said anything. She didn’t say that she liked me back, but she didn’t say that she didn’t like me either.
So, a few more days went past, we were kind of hanging out less, and I was confused. So I wrote her a letter telling her that I really did like her, and I needed her to just tell me if she didn’t like me, so I would stop hanging on the edge.
And she did. She told me that she liked me too, but not in that way.
I was obviously really devastated. But I was determined not to let it get awkward between us, as she is a really awesome friend.
So this is the situation I find myself in now. I know that I should try and get over her, but… I still really really like her, and despite her telling me that she doesn’t like me, I still hope! She still flirts with me! And we still hang out lots, although it is more in groups now. So I don’t know what to do! Sometimes I feel this overwhelming urge just to kiss her and see her reaction… but I’m not sure if that willl completely ruin our friendship.
Any advice? =) Thank you!!
How Can I know?
I’ll admit, I’m nervous about writing this but I’m so sick and tired of having this suffocating me.
A couple of years ago I was seriously sexually assaulted by a man, who kept me for over four hours before giving me to his friend, who chucked me out in the middle of the night and left me to wander around alone, affected by drugs I’d been given and injured by falling and being beaten [severe bruising, cuts, busted lip, cracked shoulder blade, broken wrist…] It was the most horrific experience and whilst the first man was charged and convicted for what he did [turns out, I'm one of seven other young women] it’s still something that wakes me up at night.
Anyway… the reason I’m writing here is because I’m trying to move on, and I’m confused, to say the least. Sexuality is such a pivotal part of life, regardless of how you choose [or choose not] to express it. We not only need it, we’re surrounded by it.
I’ll get to the point… sorry if this is so long, I’ll try to hurry it up, I’m sure you get so many emails… maybe this was a bad idea :\
The thing is, when I was younger I’d noticed that I’d always been a bit inclined ‘that way’ towards women… but since I didn’t really feel like I’d had enough ‘definitive’ sexual experiences [okay, I'll just say it- I'm still seventeen!] I didn’t really feel like I could ‘label’ myself, as such. Not that you have to, ever- but I think the idea sort of frightened me, for all the usual reasons [conservative family, peers, feeling like a minority, the 'values' I was brought up with...] so I suppose I just wanted some sort of sign or validation, particularly at such an important age period of character development.
After a recent break-up with a total jerk of a guy, I find myself wondering again… what do I want?
The assault has definitely impacted upon the way I relate to men and I’m terrified that I might be just be telling myself that I’m a lesbian to escape the fact that practically every man I’ve known has in some way ruined my life.
Please help me.
I Need Help
Hi everyone,
Let’s get to the point. I am confused about my sexuality and it’s driving me crazy. I have had these thoughts for a while and managed to suppress them, but it is getting to the point where I am ALWAYS thinking about the possibility that I might be gay or bi. It’s like this never ending puzzle that I can’t figure out.
Background: I am a 20 year old college student. Kind of an overachiever in terms of school and sports which has allowed me to focus my time and energy on those goals rather than personal goals. All of my friends are straight pretty much. I am pretty feminine and I have hooked up with guys throughout college so I don’t think people suspect that I am having these feelings. I never had a boyfriend. I have had some “flings” but I have never had a true crush on a guy. I am a virgin. I think my main reasons for having these “flings” was because I just wanted some attention (lame, I know I know) and also the idea of having a boyfriend is appealing to me. However, I was never that turned on by them. I do find guys aesthetically attractive.
I think my main problem is that I don’t have anything to compare my relationships with guys to. I have only kissed girlfriends in the setting of a party but not in a serious way. I have had little mini crushes on certain girls, but I can’t tell if it is because of personality or if I am really sexually attracted to them. When I think of sex with a girl, I am not particularly moved. But I think – I KNOW – I am capable of romantic feelings for a girl.
In short, I know I am romantically attracted to women (due to intense emotional feelings I have for a close friend… I won’t go into this, it’s a long story), but the idea of sex with a guy turns me on more. Again, this is the IDEA. I am a virgin so I don’t know… ughhhhh.
What should I do? Right now, I have a guy who is interested in me, and I don’t know what to do. Should I experiment with him? I feel like I have been avoiding relationships my whole life because of these doubts. I would love to experiment with a girl but that seems kind of impossible if I want to keep these doubts on the down-low until I figure it out…
I really appreciate any advice you can give me. I want to figure this out before school starts up again, and I need a plan!
Thanks.
I Still Don’t Know If I’m Gay Or Straight
You should first understand that I’m young, but not immature, and at a stage in life that in itself is a confusing one. I’m often told that everyone questions their sexuality at least once, but I’m unsure if I’m questioning because it’s a thing all young people do, or if it’s because I am actually gay.
I have never been in love, but I have really liked only two people in my life – a man and a woman. I can still picture myself with both of them (though I can more easily picture myself with her than him) but I never wanted to do anything with either of them than just be with them. I could never fantasize about kissing them, and I never check men or women out. I don’t know where to go with this question, because while I would probably be accepted and helped in my family, I don’t want to bring it up until I know more.
I was wondering if any of you have advice, or if my situation is too confusing (or maybe I just suck at explaining things)?
Engaged To A Man, But I Think I’m A Lesbian…
Hello everyone,
I am 29. I’ve been with my fiancé now for 6 years. I do love him and he is really good to me. We have always been very close, and have an honest relationship. I say honest because I have told him everything I’m about to tell you. He has tried to be supportive because he loves me and wants to stay together. I think I do too a lot of the times, then other times I think about that other “side” of me.
Basically, I had a secret lesbian relationship in high school. It wasn’t just experimentation. I think for many years I tried to tell myself that it was just curiosity or whatever. But I know better…I was in love with her. But I hadn’t dated men up until that point, so I figured, well, maybe I just didn’t know what I was missing. Sound familiar to anyone? Well, she went off to college and I stayed home and went to school. I’ve always lived at home. So I never had that “college” experience that may have brought up those feelings for women again. Who knows…
But I turned to the internet, and started dating men. I’ve always felt I was more attracted to men. Even now I don’t “check out” women on the street or imagine myself sleeping with them. Although I guess I don’t do that with guys either. Maybe it’s just not part of my personality. So, maybe I’m bisexual? I don’t know.
My mom passed away when I was 23. And this all seems harder with her gone. Because she was the one person that I know would support me no matter what. And since she passed away, the one person I’ve really had to lean on is my fiancé. I don’t have many friends. He and I sort of isolated ourselves. Not really intentionally, but we enjoyed spending time together and didn’t really feel like we needed anybody else. So, I know I am extremely dependent on him. I know it sounds over-dramatic but I don’t know how to function without him.
I had crushes on both men and a couple women over the years, but always dated men. I just kind of brushed off the crushes on girls. They were on a friend or two and never amounted to anything. A year ago I met a new female friend and we became best friends right away. That’s a whole other story for another time. But she ended up having a serious personality disorder. I developed feelings for her. She claimed to feel the same way but was just telling me that to keep me around. A very manipulative and unhealthy individual. Anyway, it scared me having such strong feelings for her. And the fact that I couldn’t hold it in and had to tell her. I told my fiancé about it and we both kind of chalked it up to the fact that I needed a female figure in my life since my Mom was gone. I know, sounds strange, but we both rationalized it that way because I think neither one of us wants to face the possibility of me being gay.
So, I am now in therapy and I developed a crush on my female therapist. Big shocker, right? Now, I know that it’s common for that to happen. Her being in the helping role, trust and safety, and all that. I told her about it, and it’s cool. I find her attractive, but maybe that would have happened if she were a man too… who knows.
I guess I need advice from someone who can relate, someone who was in a relationship with a man when they realized they were gay. I am just so confused. I don’t know if I truly want to leave my fiancé, or if part of me is just bored with life and I need a change. I think of that saying, “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. Maybe I’m just bored with life and part of me has this unrealistic expectation that being with a woman will make things “perfect.”
Help! Sorry this was so long!
I Think We Got Busted, But Not Sure…
I’ve been having an affair with a married woman for the past six months or so and we were busted to some extent when her babysitter walked into the house unexpectedly last weekend. The babysitter was supposed to take the kids (my girlfriend’s & hers) to a movie that evening and apparently we didn’t know that the theatre was closed for some construction work. The sitter has a key to the house and we didn’t know until she walked in the door.
The good thing is we both were fully clothed (although they may have been not covering all the places). But we have a feeling that she may have seen us kissing & cuddling when she opened the door (we were both seated on the sofa but my girlfriend’s head was on my thighs as we just started making out), we quickly adjusted our clothing and my girlfriend pretended that she was picking up a paper from the floor. Although, we managed to quickly begin a conversation, I think by the look of her face, she may have suspected something.
Both my girlfriend & I are wondering what to do. Is there anyway we can find out from her whether she noticed anything between us? We are so upset and regret the whole thing. Our last option is to confess to her as we are scared that she might spill the beans…
Do you have an idea how to resolve this?
This (lesbian) question was sent to us by e-mail, if you have any questions but feel uncomfortable with posting them yourself feel free to e-mail: ask@thelesbianquestion.com.
