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This is very new to me, all of it a little crazy and I find myself in a situation even crazier than I have heard in a long time. Maybe it isn’t so crazy to everyone else and maybe it is, but as for me I am confused and don’t know which way to turn. I had never found myself in love with a girl for 25 years of my life, but I always knew that I wanted to be with whoever made me happy. It was never a question of liking one sex or another, it was a matter of happiness and love is love no matter what for it takes. I never limited myself, never gave a label, I just AM.
One day I met a girl online, we talked and talked and talked from the moment we met. We talked from waking up to falling asleep while to talking to each other. We loved each other, I knew I loved her. But she was married, had 2 kids. He knew everything about us, me and him talked, I talked to her kids, they all called me her g/f. They all were fine with it. Her husband wanted nothing to do with the me and her relationship, he wanted her happy. Things between us grew stronger and stronger and we would talk about being together forever. I am the hugest skeptic, but I knew she meant it. We talked about rings, we talked about being a family, but we also were in reality.
I always knew that she was still married and that she would be crazy to leave a family that was happy as it was even if she was in love with me. The security of a “normal”, as society might see it, family was too much to give up when she was happy, even if she could be happier with me. She told me no and she wasn’t concerned about leaving a traditional family for a non traditional one, but I think in the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t going to happen and that caused me to act outwardly in ways that caused hurt and I couldn’t be the happy person I normally was. It caused fights and it cause lots of pain for both of us, and eventually we ceased even being friends.
This went on for a few months and we tried being friends again. But that only lasted a few months until we were both too hurt to be just friends and couldn’t forgive eachother for the past hurts. We stopped talking for good, for good probably lasted 4 months until I was completely at peace with not talking ever again and just sent her a note to say that even if we never talked agian, I wanted her to know that she was always in my heart and I will always love her. To my surprise she sent me back a message, her new g/f sitting by her side, telling me she thought of me and was glad I said something.
We have been talking ever since, the best of friends, closer than you can imagine and have a wonderful relationship. This is where the hard part comes in. She has since realized that she is completely lesbian. She loves her husband of 4 years, although there is still the sexual part missing. He has gone into the army and she is struggling with him being away from the family and fears that he will be hurt or worse yet killed fighting. She told me in a message that she has come to the realization that although that piece is missing with him, he has been there for her through everything and she feels she must do the same for him. That she must stay with him forever. And the killer was the end of the message where she tells me that if she wasn’t with him she knows with all of her heart that she would be with me forever. She just knows it is the right thing for her, “natural” was her word.
My question is how do I deal with this? How do I deal with the fact that the one I love with all of my heart loves me with all of hers, but she is married and feels she HAS to be with her husband although she knows she WANTS and SHOULD be with me? It would be easier if she didn’t say she felt that way for me, but how can I go on knowing that the one I love loves me but we still can’t have each other? Please help me understand!