What makes me a lesbian?
What makes me a “lesbian?”
- Never had crushes on boys (not even celebrities).
- My first crush was on a girl, when I was 14.
- Finding the penis hideously, grotesque.
- Nope, never had a boyfriend.
- Women to me are beautiful. Absolutely luv the way they look, the way they smell, the way they move.
- Watching lesbian films (not porn), frequenting lesbian chat rooms/forums/websites, etc.
Now here’s the odd part. While it seems obvious that I really do like (and am physically attracted to) girls, I find the idea of having sex with a woman unappealing. Kissing and cuddling are okay, but that’s how far I’d go. In fact, hypothetically-speaking, I’d probably rather have sex with a man (granted I don’t see his penis), than with a woman. (Not that I want to have sex with a man) So, what does that make me then? Am I not a “lesbian” after all??
Signed,
A 24-yr old, confused “lesbian.”
PS: While my personality appears to be in the “butch” side, my physical appearance is “femme” (I do wear makeup and cute outfits), not sure if that helps with the analysis, but just thought I’d throw that in…
Comments
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
I am probably more confused than you. I am in my first lesbian relationship. I don’t agree with labels. I’m probably lesbian with bi-tendencies.
I have always had crushes on boys
My first crush was on a girl, when I was 14 (we fondled and we both found it arousing/ecstatic)
I don’t find the penis a turn-on but love the feel of it plunging deep inside me
I have had a number of boyfriends
Women are Gods. They give life and love and are beautiful.
I get turned on just talking to lesbians.
Karen
You sound EXACTLY like me. I’ve NEVER had crushes on boys, my first crush was on a girl when I was 14 (I’m 15 now), the sight of the penis makes me want to barf, and I love everything about women. Have you ever had sex with a woman? If you haven’t then maybe that’s why you find the idea of having sex with a man more appealing, or maybe you like to be dominated. I think when you find that special someone you will much rather want to have sex with them than with anyone else, but who knows, no one said you had to figure everything out now. Just go with the flow and see what happens. Good luck!
Well, by reading your post, I couldn´t stop thinking of me when I was about 13. Actually, somehow I had always known I wasn´t straight, but I also had crushes on boys (which you don´t seem to). After all of that confusing stage of accepting I also liked girls (maybe even more than guys), I had just gone through the first step: accepting I was a bi. But it wasn´t all, cause after I agreed I was able to kiss girls, I still couldn´think of having sex with them! And after lots of surfering and wondering, I began dealing it ´till it finnaly happened. Today, I see clearly that my dislike about sex between women was a kind of prejudice I had: something to do with all of that prejudice and negative image the sociaty shows, and was still a bit of non-acceptance I had about myself. So, I knew I was a bi, I knew I jus loved women and desired them, but I still couldn´t deal it completetly. Even though I didn´t care about what people would say or think of me, everything they thought about homosexual realationships was impregnated deep inside of me. I think your a Lesbian by what you said, but even if your a bi, think about this things, ´cause I think it happens to a lot of people, at least it happened to me. I hope it helps. Anyway, try to act easily about this, respect your time, sometimes it´s just what we need!
I guess 14 is the age norm for first girl crushes
Karen, while I do agree labels are restricting, for me personally, I see it as a way to “belong.” It’s like wanting to find my roots, just like I found out that I am “mixed.” I grew up in a white household/neighborhood, and for the most part, look white. But, I do notice subtle difference, especially my eyes, which I get teased at growing up. When I tracked down and talked to my birth mother, I found out that my birth father was/is Korean. In a sense, it was a huge relief finding out “who” I am. This is how I felt too, when I found out I was gay. Anyway, I digress. Point is, even though I believe in my heart that I am a lesbian, it is baffling as to why I am not “sexually” attracted to women.
Brandie, for a 15-year old, you seem wise well beyond your years
Yes, I’ve never had sex with a woman. Perhaps it is fear of the unknown that prevents me from taking the initiative. You also bring up an interesting point regarding domination. To me, the “unappealing” part only crosses my mind when I imagine myself “pleasuring” someone (and not when I’m in the receiving end). Does this make me “less of a lesbian” if I’d rather receive than to give? Or does it just make me plain selfish? :p On the other hand, you are right, if I do find that special someone, I believe I will do everything I can to please her.
Megara, although prejudice did exist against homosexuals in my time, I was lucky enough to have been brought up in a somewhat “gay-friendly” neighborhood. I don’t have a problem dealing with my homosexuality and was lucky enough to have (adoptive) parents that were understanding and supportive when I came out. So while I don’t have an “inborn” prejudice, I may have a problem with “sex” in general, who knows? But yes, given time, perhaps I will learn to deal with it eventually
Thanks for the responses!
Hi,
You said
“I guess 14 is the age norm for first girl crushes”
What other choices are there to express our sexual feelings at that age?
Older men look but avert their gaze because it is illegal to go any further than imagining a girl of that age as a sexual being.
Boys of 14 are clueless and rough. A couple of boys used to grab my breasts but little did they know that in the developing breast it really, really hurt. I always let them know how painful it was, but they did it all the more. Does anybody else remember this terrible growing pain?
Girls were much gentler and I think this swayed my fondness and empathy for girls.
Karen
My suggestion would be for you to get some therapy. While I would imagine that you are a lesbian, it sounds like you have some hang ups about sex in general.
After rereading my comment I realize it probably comes across rather blunt and jerky. I assure you that that is not my intention. What I meant was that perhaps with help of a professional you could learn more about yourself and help bring the big picture into focus for you.
Not all people are interested in sex,
It isn’t wrong to have asexual tendencies as long as you feel good.
Even if you don’t have an interest in sex you could still be gay.
But if you feel insecure about it maybe it’s a good idea talking to someone.
Just go with what feels good for now…..when the right person comes into your life whether for a day, month, year, or lifetime……and seduces you…….you will experience more pleasure than you have ever known and all those “grostesque” thoughts and feelings will quickly disapear…..be patient with yourself….and enjoy the present.
As a woman who has been questioning her sexuality for a while now, I can understand what you are going through. It hasn’t been untill recently that I decided to make some life changes….I read the posts and comments on this site and have realized that every situation is different. I’ve tried looking for someone going through the same situation I am going through…but I don’t think I’ll find it. I too kept asking myself…am I a lesbian?…but that question just makes things more confusing. Must we put labels on ourselves…can’t we fall in love with a person? As for the sexual chemistry….maybe you are just scared of what could happen with a woman. If you have never experienced it then youmight be scared. I’ve never been with a woman and I get freaked out every time I think about what my first time will be like. On the other hand…I can tell you that I AM sexualy attracted to them….at leat one woman…or my body wouldn’t do crazy things when I’m around her. You just need to open up and be willing to experience love. Don’t let fear control you. Things happen for a reason, but you must let it happen first.
Thanks all, ‘preciate the responses to my dilemma!
Amy, I do agree that everyone is different. Yes, some do fall in love with the person, regardless of gender. While others knew early on of their attraction to the same gender. I fall in the latter. However, I realize now that physical attraction and sexual attraction are 2 different things. So, either I will have accept the asexual part in me or seek professional help towards my seemingly aversion to sex.
In your case (just read your story), you obviously have fallen for this woman. So, quite curious, did it work out? Was wondering if you followed the advices given to you here
Anyway, best of luck to you!
Maybe going to seek professional help would be in your best interest. I recently made myself go see a therapist…but truthfully….unless you are talking to someone who truly understands…in my case anyways…it’s not much help. And yes, I have fallen for a woman, but unfortunately I think that’s all it will ever be. I got up enough nerve to talk with her…not to tell her about my attraction, but to seek guidance. It was extremely awkward at first…asking advice from the person who you are attracted to, but it has helped in so many ways. I have allowed myself to open up…and she has done the same. I recently found out that she is with someone and I’m O.K. with that. I’ve opened the door for a friendship and I think it will be a great friendship at that. I really doubt she has no idea about the way I feel…and if she did I’m sure she wouldn’t be so willing to talk. She would probably think I was talking with her for ulterior motives, but the truth is I truly admire and respect her experience and advice. Sometimes I wonder if this will be the only woman who I feel this strongly (physically, emotionally, sexually…the whole nine yards) for-but I have to be open to the fact that that is not the case. I went out with her tonight actually and had one of the best nights I have had in a long time…yes my stomach curled inside me a few times (she has a way of flipping her hair, her eyes are piercing, she has an enchanting sense of humor….and she is insanely beautiful) but I got through that because I know my boundaries. I hope that I will feel this way for someone else one day (someone attainable) and I can fall in love, experience love for what it is and maybe live a great life.
Hey, it’s a start
Friendship is always a wonderful thing, I’d be happy with that given her present situation. Perhaps in time, when both of you are more comfortable with each other, you can even “jokingly” say that you’ve had a tiny bit of crush on her… just to see her reaction 
If she has a great sense of humor like you said, I doubt she’d be rude or ridicule you. At most, she’d find it flattering, I’m sure anybody would… personally, I woudn’t take it the wrong way. Although she is with someone, it doesn’t hurt to say it (it’s not like you’re aggressively pursuing her), at least it’s out there, you know?
Good luck and thanks for keeping us updated (I’m sure I’m not the only one who was curious about your story
! And don’t worry, you’re right, it’s a big world out there, everyone is looking for love so I’m sure this won’t be your last encounter 
i actually kept a diary of when i first realized i was gay. i fell in love with my best friend and after many long nights of up all night talkign we finally kissed. it was the most amazing feeling ever. so while i was realizing all this, i had the exact same thought process in stages all the way up to sex. i would think it one night, then a couple days later, i would end up doing it. not because i was pressured, but because thats just waht i did naturally.
when you meet the right person, at least in my experience, it will just happen.