How Long Does It Take to Let Go
Okay, my “story” is just beginning and it would take way too long to go into details, but the gist is: how long does it take to let go of past relationships? A few months ago, I ended a long relationship with a man. I ended it for many reasons; one of course was my realization of my sexual preference. The list is a long one by far…. alcoholism… verbal abuse…. control issues… you name it. I left to start over and find out who I am again and start living life. The problem is, the more I try, the harder it is on my ex, therefore the less I want to move on because I can’t stand that I’m hurting someone.
My ex knows that I believe I’m a lesbian and it has been extremely hard on him. I told him because I thought it would make me leaving easier on him… boy was I wrong. Even though we had a disastrous relationship I still have a heart and it is killing me to move on while he’s in pain. I’m meeting new people and I have to keep it from him. I wish I could never talk to him again… move a thousand miles away; but I feel as if it’s not possible. Someone told me once: “what’s the worst that could happen? That he’d kill himself?”… and that is constantly on my mind. Like I said before, he’s an alcoholic… and his drinking is spiraling out of control at the moment. I’m the one who gets the phone call at 3 in the morning to pick him up… What am I to do? Ignore him and have something terrible happen to him? I hate the fact that he is still controlling my life and sometimes I secretly wish something would happen to him, like jail… So I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
I guess what I’m looking for is any ladies out there that had to leave a relationship before with any substance abuse problems and have some advice for someone like me. How long does it take to let go? What were your experiences like?
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Your mention of verbal abuse and control issues along with the substance abuse is a very clear indicator that he is using his “pain” and problems to guilt you into sticking around even though you’ve made it clear that you will never be happy with him. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS LIFE OR HIS HAPPINESS. Only he can change, and you hanging around and answering his calls at 3 a.m. is only enabling him to continue killing himself. Tell him that if he wants to get help and clean up, you will assist with that AS HIS FRIEND, otherwise you will never see or speak to him again. Then really do it. That is the best thing you can possibly do for him, and for yourself.
He’s still controling you. Cut him out of your life. He will NEVER let you move on as long as you keep coming to his rescue. You are NOT responsible for his life, his happiness, or his well being. He is. Do not let his self destructive behavior continue to control your life. His life is in his hands. Stop taking his calls. Don’t visit him. Don’t come to his aid.
I would also suggest that you go to Alanon meetings to help you cope/relieve your guilt for his alcoholism.
I agree with Tec and Zoe. Change your phone number, don’t answer calls at 3am. You are not responsble for his life. I at one time was in a very abusive relationship, it took me years to realize that I had some behaviors that were attracting this type of person. I sought help got my head on straight and am now in a realationship with a women that I love and who loves me. It was not easy but it was well worth it, and yes some people will not be supportive, they will be down right mean as you change and grow. Let them you need to help you not him or anyone else. If they call you a bitch say “Thank you I am working on it.” Set your self free.
I was in a relationship like that the abuse both physical and emotional and we have 4 boy’s. I went to prison and when I got out I didn’t want anything to do with him as he was still using. Some how he found me as I had to leave the state or go back to using drugs which I didn’t want in my life anymore. As hard as it will be for you you have to let go stop going to his aid every time that means you are still letting him control you he made the choices to drink you didn’t force him men like that play on our vulnerability
and our sympathy they try for the guilt trip and it works they are like a child they think they own us and they dont we own ourselves. Next time he calls tell him no and he needs to get on with his life without you if you keep allowing him to interfere in you getting on with your life you wont be able to have a relationship with anyone else and then you let him win he will have accomplished what he set out to do and that is for you to be as unhappy as he is you deserve so much better. It is a hard thing to do I know but if you want a happy life you have to just say no.