On The Edge

Disclaimer - this is really LONG.

Hey Mate,

I am speaking to you through this cyber bubble without even knowing anything about you, so I hope this doesn’t sound really patronizing… My first advice is for you to sit down and ask yourself this question: What are the good things in your life at this point in time? Reading your post, I can help you out, so let’s start with them shall we?:

(1) You have a girlfriend who sounds like she cares a lot about you (BIG PLUS mate) which also means that someone loves you for who you are. Not many people have that so you’re really lucky - there is your rock for starters.

(2) Your parents have not kicked you out and they are only threatening you with not going to France - something you can live with because you can get there without their help with time anyway (that is, if you really wanted to go).

(3) You’re 20! You are on the cusp of either going to Uni/college or starting your career - even if you don’t have the job of your dreams, this is an age group that, while emotionally difficult, is a time that will provide you with a lot of great opportunities if you are open to them. Focus not just on this situation, but what you want out of life professionally and personally too. You are of the age where you can leave your parents if given the right chance and if you look at your talents and what you’re good at, this might be your way! If you are open to the universe, opportunities will open up, so keep your eyes and your ears ready.

(4) You are old enough to know what is right and wrong. You can put up with people hating you because you are gay, but the worst thing is to lie to yourself. If they want you to be straight and wear girls clothes, just decline. You said yourself your parents can’t stop you from seeing your girlfriend. The ONLY PERSON WHO CAN STOP YOU FROM BEING HAPPY IS YOURSELF. You don’t have to be confrontational with people to not accept their rhetoric - just accept they have a view that they are trying to push on you and move on. Believe me, you can transcend narrow-mindedness.

(5) You don’t have kids! Which means you are only responsible to yourself and to some extent your girlfriend and that is it!!

So lets backtrack before we put all these things together….

I have been on this board for a few months and I haven’t really posted any of my life up on here, as there is a reason - my life has had a lot of drama. I am 28. I was in a similar situation to yourself way back when. Personally, I felt that my teen years and 20s was incredibly hard. My father passed when I was 17 and my mother went to another country, leaving me to look after the home and my brother of 12. The reason why I am saying this, is because you are at the time in your life where things seem and are crashing down on you, and the only advice I can give you is how I learned to hang in there and eventually accept that my parents are/were not perfect and to use their failings to better understand how I got to where I was and how I was going to get out of it.

The biggest thing for you to do is to find support in people who make you happy and to focus on the positives in your life. Going back to alcohol, cutting yourself, wanting to die - they are all symptoms of the basic need of wanting to harm yourself as a result of you internalizing others’ failings and fears. The fact that your parents are homophobic and torment you is not a license for you to hate yourself, and being butch does not mean you cannot have emotions or express your sadness, esp to your girlfriend. Man/woman/butch/femme/trans etc etc -> it takes real strength to look into yourself and find the person you want live life as (despite what society says), even if this means feeling a lot of pain over who you are.

Your parents not accepting you is their failing, not yours, and now that you are 20, it won’t take long before you can find a way for you to leave your environment and find happiness.

I know I am talking in the abstract, but here is how i dealt with my issues: I learned to find the positives in the life I was living, and looked for opportunities to get out… I felt like a prisoner in my own home and had noone to talk to because I had this kid I had to look after. But one day (3 years later - actually when I was 20!!) one of my friends said they were going to the USA on a tennis scholarship. Suddenly, it was like a light bulb clicked in my head and I found my avenue out. I found an environment (college) in the USA that allowed me to be who I was. I set up my life and realized that the life I was living was normal and accepted. So in time, there may be an opportunity for you and your GF to leave the environment you have been in.

I know this doesn’t sound like much of a help but the happiest stories come from those who just hang in there. Your situation is temporary and you have a lot of life to live, so be kind to yourself. Get through the pain, frustration, anger, sadness to live for another day and keep trying. It is important for you to find acceptance within yourself. Your life is never worth giving up over what a few people close to you have said or done to you. Your parents can be forgiven but don’t hate yourself because of what they don’t understand. Don’t internalize others’ fears and prejudices and act homophobic to yourself. Do what you have to do to keep going in your current situation, but never give up nor lie to yourself.

Finally, Go out with your girlfriend and friends and find ways to make yourself happy (sneak out). Keep your mind open to new possibilities and the universe will provide the way for you.

Good luck
PS: and no I am not really religious, but the world does have a good way of working itself out - if you let it!

It’s clear that you don’t want to change,but you want to feel accepted for who you are. Were I you,I’d move to a place where “being gay is not a sin”. Apparently you don’t live in a city. In most cities,people are tolerant and know that being a racist is a sin,not belonging to a minority.
And since you and your parents don’t get along well,stop depending on them. You’re not a child anymore,if daddy says “no money for France”,raise your own money,he can’t take decisions for your life. You two have a different idea of what it means to be gay,what makes you think that he’s right and you’re wrong? People murder,lie,deceive,hurt each other every day but minorities are the ones to pay the bill. It’s human nature.Humans love categorizing.It makes them feel better when they can look down on somebody else,it boosts their self-confidence. The question is,does this sound like a good reason for you to feel like that? I hope you know what I mean. Don’t let them feed their insecurity by criticizing your life. You’ve done nothing wrong.

I feel for you and position you are in! Everyone of us has at some time in their life felt like they couldn’t go on. You can continue your journey and be a stronger more driven person! You have to find that strength in yourself and let it take control! Don’t let the attitude of others affect you! Don’t let these people control who you are! You take control and roll with your new found freedom. I know how hard it is when your family shuns you and says its a faze. I know how hurtful it is to hear those “ifs” “IF you don’t change” “If you don’t get help”. You are 20 years old, time to be who you want to be, not what others want you to be. I wish you luck and don’t ever stop searching for your happiness…don’t stop being who you are….don’t let the words of others tear you down….and don’t leave! Someone you know loves you very much and you will destroy this person if you decide you cant take life anymore! I hope that this has helped you just a little. Please let us know how you are doing!!! I wish you peace, love and strength!

Hi. This is going to be harsh, but only because I feel for you completely. Also, you already have a good deal of warm, gentle advice (or, at the very least, wise, quiet advice).

I struggled with chronic depression, masochistic behavior (cutting/burning), and suicidal tendencies from age 12 on through my first year at college, and what I remember very clearly about that whole swath of time is that I didn’t want to hear anyone tell me I was in control. I also didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t alone, that there was a whole population of adolescents going through very similar bouts of despair, that there were those who had it much worse. I wanted to let someone know how miserable and bad off I was, but I didn’t want anyone to tell me I was the only one who could fix it.

I’m guessing you’re more mature at present than I was back then because you’re reaching out and actively seeking advice, but if you find yourself resisting the advice you get here, I only hope that, unlike the adolescent me, you come to your senses quickly and save yourself the regret of having wasted your own time.

You say you don’t want to be suicidal and self-destructive again, which implies a will to be healthy, but you also say you’ve returned to cutting and drinking. Either your will to be healthy is a lie or you’re being too soft on yourself. (Yes, I said it. Depression is brutal because it appears to stem from self-deprecation and negative outside forces, but it is also, in fact, a sort of self-perpetuating arrogance that tries repeatedly to temper itself with utter self-loathing.) Your parents and the homophobic environment they represent are making it difficult for you to live life as you would prefer to live it, but the truth is that they aren’t forcing your hand to the razor or your mouth to the bottle. What do you gain from treating yourself so poorly? A few more battle scars? Visible, gritty proof that your life sucks? Similarly, if you kill yourself, what does that demonstrate? That your parents are horrible people? Maybe. Here’s what else it would say: that your girlfriend’s love isn’t enough; that every ounce of effort you put into living your life thus far is moot; that you’d rather deprive everyone of your existence and yourself of a shot at happiness than realise this is all in your hands and take charge of your present.

You need a clear head and a healthy body so you can confront your parents and win for yourself the things you want. Yes, it’s dramatic to be one giant bruise, to say, “Look what you’ve done to me!”, but the truth is that no one is going to look at you and suddenly feel inspired to make your life better. Maybe you’ll get a bit of pity tossed in your direction, but I’m guessing that’s not at all what you want. The other nightmare of depression is that pity, when you get it, isn’t the least bit satisfying.

You’ve got a girlfriend who loves you and whom you love very much. Darling, you need to realise that that’s more than most people have, suicidal or otherwise. And if she loves you, won’t it hurt her to be shut out of something that is shaking you to bits? You need to tell her. You need to let her be there for you. And you need to listen to her when she tells you you’ve got everything to live for. And destroying your liver is a bad way to go about getting that white picket fence. And scars are unattractive (sadly, I’m going to have mine for a long time). Crises like these can improve immensely with the benefit of a strong relationship (which you have!). But you have to listen to the advice she gives you (no doubt she’s smart and has her fair share of experience to draw from) and you have to be proactive about your situation.

Otherwise, what? You wallow about and try to kill yourself twice a year for seven years? Maybe one day you’ll succeed without ever really meaning to, and that would be the real tragedy.

Now for a bit of advice that runs completely counter to what you’ve heard thus far. If it seems too much to strike out on your own (ie. you would much rather die), it might not be such a bad idea to just suck up your pride and fake it. Talk things through with your girlfriend so she understands, but fake it with your parents. Be a girl, wear the dresses, style your hair. Go to the psychiatrist and smile and lie through your teeth (I did). If doing all that gets you to France for four years, I think it’s worth it. Because four years is a long time and you can use that time to acquire the strength you need to face your parents and their homophobia. Yes it’s dishonest, but I think it’s far better to admit you don’t have the courage to cut yourself loose right now (it’s okay; that kind of courage is hard to come by and you’ll have it someday) than to continue this downward spiral and/or deprive yourself of resources that could actually help you break free. As long as you remain focused on the positive goals you have for yourself, you may find it surprisingly easy to deal with parental hurdles.

Whatever else you choose to do, the drinking and the cutting need to stop right now. Two things I was told that made me absolutely furious when I was in the thick of my depression:

Don’t be a idiot.

Don’t glorify death.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I also understand what you’re going through and I refuse to coddle you. You can e-mail me at reine.slater@gmail.com if you want to talk (I promise I’ll answer). Otherwise, best wishes and best of luck. I think it’s hard, sometimes, to realise how young we are. We’re young! Nothing’s hopeless unless we make it so.

Yep reading harbordesperati wrote something that really struck a chord with me:

Do you want the fake strength of telling people ‘look what you did to me because of what you said? Look at the scars, my hospital admittance for alcohol poisoning etc?’ It is true that people will help you then, but it is not the kind of help you need to get you out of the self-perpetuating cycle. The help you NEED is NOT pity or a sudden therapeutic intervention.

Noone is going to give you that fake help if you decide to go to the gym, get fit, eat well, control the alcohol when you are depressed. (And here I am not talking about image ok… I am talking about healthy image which includes NOT looking like an anorexic supermodel) Why? People will see that all of a sudden you are living a positive life. They won’t say ‘Oh look at X’ I feel sorry for her, they are going to say ‘Ah X looks great’ or ‘you are really turning things around for yourself… maybe I should do the same’. It is the attention that is inspiring not only to them, but to yourself. It is the strength you can be proud of yourself for that carries you forward…. and THAT is where you get the REAL strength from and which will help you overcome your negative surrounds.

Cutting yourself may give you the fake strength of getting people’s attention, but it is not the strength as harbordesperati says will create a fulfilling lifestyle where you will have a wife and kids etc. It is the pattern that people close to you will eventually run away from - because it is contagious - and the only people who will be close to you will be social workers, psychologists, and doctors.

So look to the positives in your life. Share your pain with your GF, but create options for yourself and her as to how you will make a positive attempt to turn your life around. Once you tell her this and give her options and a branch to hold onto (and not push her out of the tree), then you can BOTH start climbing and reach the top. That is how you will keep from falling and bringing everyone close to you down with you…

Hey Max, I can totally relate. My parents are from a different culture too. Where they’re from, homosexuality is considered a taboo. It is especially tough for children of immigrant parents, because if you start acting different, they fear you are turning “westernized,” hence they become even stricter. And yes, appearances and reputation are of utmost importance to them. I learn quickly to keep my “differences” to myself.

I applaud your courage for coming out, even though it would’ve been easier and safer had you remain in the closet and live a double life. But that isn’t the case now, so what you need is a plan of attack to get you on track. The drinking, cutting and anger fits won’t get you anywhere. Now that you hopefully had all those out of the way, you need to change how you act in front of your family. If it is difficult for you to do so, perhaps you can make a compromise. Tell them you can’t help the way you act or dress, but you realize being gay is detrimental to your mental health, and so you’ll “stop” being gay.

I know it sounds absurd, but basically, tell your parents what they want to hear. Throw in religion, even. Say that you’ve found God, and that you don’t want to bring shame to the family. Heck, if you convince them well enough, they’d probably cancel your shrink appointment! Parents, like mine, who are in denial that their kid is gay, either refuse to bring the topic up (or at least pretend it doesn’t exist), or bring the topic up, hoping to convince their kid that it’s just a phase. Half the time, if you tell them what they want to hear (that they were right, it is just a phase and that you’re not gay), they won’t push it any further. Usually, the subject won’t be brought up again, probably because it’s awkward to talk about such things to begin with (even “normal” sex is a taboo subject to them).

Tell them you’re serious about school, and that would be your only main focus. Once you’re in France, you can be yourself and be free again!

hi, I’ve read your story, my english is not very good, but I’ll try.
My exgirlfriend lived something similar to you. She had always been honest to her parents about being gay, but they never liked it, they just ignore it, like she wasnt gay, she couldnt bring anyone home, she couldnt talk about her life and she had to hide even out of home, cause almost everyone knows eachother where she lives. what she did?? she shut up at in home, living in silence and being who she really is only with friends and in gay places, and it worked. Even when they told her that she had a problem and she should go to therapy and lots of things like that.

For my experience, I’m 24 and I discovered I was gay after leaving my parents home. I don’t have to hide so much, even there is some of my family in my city, I just don’t let them realize what I dont want them to know. For me is kind of “I am who I am, love it or hate it” but I don’t need everyone to know who I really am, they can see only a part of me.

just one thing more, 2pac said, and I love this:
“you don’t have to fear me, if you take the time to hear me, maybe you can learn to chear me”.

In my opinion, you shouldn’t change who you are, if you dont have the chance of leave, just let your parents see you how they want you to be, someday they will be more confortable with everything and you will be able to be open to them step by step. You’ll be free again, with out without your parents accepting you’re gay.

I really hope you can find I way to fix everything, good luck. big hugz.

You’ll make it Mad Max. You came out to yourself young. You’ll make it. Do not do anything that will hurt you, other people are doing. Get over all this shit. Don’t expect your aprents to understand now. Cut yourself emotionally from them for a while, instead of cutting your own skin. If you are proud of yoursefl, do not give them what they want to prove to you you are wrong. Be beautiful and strong and healthy.

Dude I think that- Number 1: u have to be honest with yourself and with everybody else if u want to be happy. That includes your dad and every other homophobic that gets in ur way.Number 2: If you really are gay, plz do not attempt to pretend it is not there. u will screw up yourelf. and finally Number 3: If need be, play along with ur dad to get to France or wherever the hell u need to go, once ur on ur own u can go wherever the hell u want, without his permission.
Things to remember: U don’t need to change urself for anybody : If ur girl loves u, u are lucky.
: ur dad needs to accept u, that is that, if he can’t that’s not ur problem, it’s his.
: If u do decide to dance to daddy’s tune, keep ur gay friends close so tha u don’t forget to be cool with what u r.

Gay people unite!

Max,

You were trying to figure out how to hide it. I can tell you right now that its easiar than you think sure some of it will be hard at first, cause your so comfortable with being gay. I am openly gay and my girlfriend is not so open. Most of her friends know and her family has an idea. I can tell you this that 1 out 3 of my friends are not out, its frustrating as all hell but its very possible. Changing your style and being something you arent comfortable with will challenge you but understand that there are times when you can be around gay people. If you allow your friends and people close to you know your sitution most people will accomadate. Before i came out I was concerned that people would assume I was gay simply because all of my friends were but instead my friends never spoke of any part of their life that had to do with girls or things that might raise questions. Most of my friends find it easy to play the best friend card. If your parents dont know your girlfriend is in fact your girl friend she can play the best friend card. Considering most girls have really close friends they go to movies the mall eat coffee drinks with it will be simple. As easy as it was for you to be gay and comfortable, it will be to hide that you are. Your not alone, every one at some point has been there.

Cheers.

Just to address some of the comments here, while it is important to be true to yourself, to be proud and open of your own sexual identity and screw what everyone else think, it’s really easier said than done, especially in an Islamic homophobic society. You have to learn to pick your battles, and be smart about it. I recommend watching “A Jihad for Love,” and “Dangerous Living: Coming Out in the Developing World,” both excellent documentaries. Anyway, I hope you’re doing better Max, and please keep us updated!

Oh Max, what a terrible predicament to be in. I’m so glad to hear the update that you had a wake up call, and that you are actually going to see a counselor and that you are feeling (if not better) a little bit more stable. I think all of the advice that has been posted is… Well, I disagree with some of it, and I relate to some of it, and I whole heartedly endorse some of it, but I think there is one key piece in all of these that is missing:

You are not alone.

No matter what you think, how you feel, how you are treated or how you are forced (or choose) to act, you are never alone. All it takes is reaching out your shuddering and scared and sometimes scarred hand in sincerity and earnest and someone, somewhere will always reach out and take it. Whether it is your significant other, a friend, an animal, a book, a song, or a forum site, there are many of us who want to help you with open hearts and open arms. I myself am one of them. I want nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy and make it through this mess a stronger and better woman. Many of us have been where you are (not down to every detail, but essentially) and we want to help.

In order to fight this battle you are going to need a network of support, love, and friendship. I’m so glad you made a wonderful start by posting here, but don’t let it die — follow through. If you need help, someone to listen, someone to talk to, someone to yell rant swear curse at, please, feel free to email / instant message me at anytime at acousticsavior AT hotmail.com. I will gladly do anything in my power to help you.

And remember… You’re not alone. You are strong, you are powerful, and you can do anything. You can do this. *hugs*

~Alisa