Am I Bi Or Gay?

No need to rush! You’re 16; it’s amazing you’re already so in-tune with your feelings.

I wouldn’t be quick to label you as gay, though it’s quite apparent you’re on the gay side of bisexual. It’s more important that you continue to explore your sexuality before you make any conclusions. Have you seriously dated a guy or girl? How will you truly know about yourself if you haven’t?

I understand why you’re anxious to label yourself, but your only true option in that regard is calling youself gay (since you don’t like being “in-between”). That may let your mind rest at ease, but you may also be cutting out an important part of your life. Continue to learn about yourself. Date around (don’t sleep around!), meet people, and have fun.

Good Luck

I think that you can choose to be gay if you want since you clearly lean in that direction. It’s as simple as just not dating men. But if you met one you wanted to date, why wouldn’t you go for it? Why limit yourself like that? You’re still young and figuring things out. You’ll become more comfortable with who you are as you experience more, however it all turns out. Don’t worry about the label so much. Just go with what moves you.

As for coming out as bisexual or gay, I understand not wanting to say anything if you might still end up with a guy. So if you don’t feel like by keeping it quiet that you’re denying who you are, just keep it to yourself until it becomes relevant. Wait until you’re dating a girl seriously, if you want. I figure that I didn’t really discuss my guy dates with my parents much so it’s normal for me to not discuss dating girls either.

Evolution has a wonderful point in that there is no need to rush into this — being a teenager is all about trying to define yourself but you have to very careful about not pigeon-holing yourself into a corner that you didn’t want to be in.

Honey, I wish I had a definite answer for you that you could use, but no one except for yourself can say whether you are bisexual or fully gay. However! I do have some thoughts and ideas that I hope will help you out.

For years the idea of being simply gay or lesbian or bisexual seemed so… narrow-minded, which is incredibly ironic from a community that is supposedly the epitome of open-mindedness, but I could never figure out why. Until a few years ago when I was going through some workshops on gender identity and doing some self-reflection and exploration on the idea. Think of it this way:

|——|——|——|——|
Gay Bi Straight

This is the way that almost every human being views sexuality these days. You are either one extreme or the other, or you are smack dab in the middle. Which doesn’t make any sense because nothing in life works like that. Humankind thinks of gender the same way — I hope someday we can break the molds of thinking that ‘female’ and ‘male’ hold such concrete definitions, and instead of thinking of something as a ‘male’ trait or a ‘female’ trait we can start thinking of it as a human trait. Enjoying car shows shouldn’t be defined as masculine, it should be defined as a hobby or a past time. But I digress: what I’m trying to say is that you are currently in a paradigm that will be difficult to break, so be patient.

What I suggest is that you are neither gay, nor bisexual, nor straight, but simply pansexual. This is a new idea that is slowly emerging but I’m hoping it eventually garners the following it deserves. Pansexual means not judging or discriminating your feelings or relationships based on gender, but by personal preference. Pansexuals don’t really see gender, but instead, see people. To me, this is what you sound like. It sounds like while you might not be physically attracted to the male gender, you aren’t adverse to the idea (if you found the right one) of having a relationship with one. But at the same time, you feel a connection to the female gender very strongly.

The upside to identifying as pansexual is that it helps you feel like you have defined yourself without having to discriminate or painting yourself into a corner. The downside to it, is that it isn’t widely accepted and you may get even MORE hell for calling yourself “pansexual” rather than homosexual or bisexual. Remember, the general populace still thinks of sexuality in general to only mean sexual preference, ie sex alone. You’re going to have a long, hard battle of convincing people that pansexual doesn’t mean you like to have sex with everyone, it means you see everyone as equal and are willing to give everyone a chance at a romantic connection with you.

To be honest, I don’t envy you. Being fully homosexual is WAY easier than being either gay or bisexual in my opinion.

Good luck honey, but remember, we’re always here to listen and to help.

~Alisa

i’m in your exact pickle and it makes me want to tear my hair out.

You can also find some comfort in understanding bisexuality, if that is indeed where you fall, and though frustrating and coming with its own biases even within the gay community, there are lots of bisexuals out there. Goodgle bisexual resources, there are tons of them, like this one:

http://www.bisexual.org/home.html