Feeling Trapped

You say that you have treated her really badly over the years, and you ask her why she doesn’t leave you. Her issues aside, the worst thing that you have done to her was not spare her the infliction of your issues onto her and LEAVE HER. Why should it be up ONLY up to her to leave you? Why can’t you ask YOURSELF that question, but when you do there are all perfectly legitimate reasons - i guess just as legitimate has her reasons, when you think about it. You can’t be responsible for her issues, but saying that, has it occurred to you that if you don’t love someone and you treat them bad, you are emotionally harming another person when you could have just left? You are literally making them worse off than when they met you, and probably one of the reasons why she is staying is because she got used to being treated bad. But really you treated her bad because YOU didn’t love her. You won’t leave her because YOU don’t want your family to know. You want to leave her because YOU think she drives you nuts…. as far as I am concerned, the relationship sounds one-sided. Now, I know these things are hard confronting your family and your girlfriend maybe a complete psycho, but really you hold the most power in the relationship and you have to be mindful of that.

Please take some responsibility for your actions and do the right thing.

You need to leave her. I know it is hard, but you have to. It will be better for both of you. Even her. She is just scared of change and I totally know how that feels. The unknown is scary. And the prospect of being alone and letting go of something so familiar. But she deserves to be with someone that loves her. And she needs to learn to love herself! You will be doing her a favor by leaving her. Besides that, you also deserve to be happy! You deserve to be with someone you love. Good luck!

So, are you saying that the only reason you still have anything to do with your ‘girlfriend’ is because she has threatened to out you? I just want to be clear.

Hey man… I think it is really important to have a really long conversation with your girlfriend. Don’t break up with her in a hurry - make sure you guys are in a quiet place and just talk it all out. Tell her what will happen if she threatens to tell your family. Ask her if that is really what she wants to do to another person? Try to frame the conversation to the point where she will know exactly what she is doing if she does that. Ask her WHY she wants to do it.. What will she get out of it? Vengence? All I can say is really talk it all out with her to the point where she has said everything she has to say and is at a point where she has enough closure. After 5 years, you both owe it to each other to be honest and respectful to one another, and if it ends like that then you are doing each other a favor and she won’t tell your family.

At some time you are going to need to break free but that is what the learning process is all about. If I were you, I wouldn’t look at this as being a bad thing why you kept your feelings to yourself. Rather, you will now have an opportunity to find someone you can love and look after properly. Look at what went wrong in your relationship and try to figure out how you will do better and what to avoid in your next relationship.

It sounds like your girlfriend is very angry and you admit that she has a right to be. Yes? Can you sit directly across from her and allow that anger to be expressed without defending yourself? I don’t mean just sit there if she becomes physically dangerous. In that case you would naturally avoid harm. Can you receive her anger fully? Truly feel her. Don’t resist anything. You’ve acted like an asshole, right? It doesn’t matter if she has as well. This is about you. Just remember that you aren’t an asshole. You acted like one out of a misunderstood idea about loving yourself. It’s been a role, a costume, an action, a tendency. It’s not who you are. So you can hear it. You can receive it and feel her. You’re only, truly, feeling yourself.

Hey,
I think you need to leave her, i mean its good that you are being honest with yourself and her. She will never understand and let you go because she in love with you, you’re not on the same page at all. She is also being manipulative, by pulling the “‘I’ll bye without you”, the “crying”card and also threatening to out you to your family. Thats a horrible thing to blackmail someone into staying with you, actually manipulation in general is not love. Let her know you won’t tolerate that, she will continue to do so if you do. Sorry you are going through this, I know how you feel.

stay strong hun

sorry i meant the “i’ll DIE without you” card

Yeah…have several long talks with her. And try to get involved with a rugby team, or a really gay soccer team or something- teammates are good support.

And…you need to deal with the family issue at some point. I mean, I’m a total hypocrite, because I’m in the same boat; I’m from Oklahoma, super-close to my family and particularly my little cousins- and though I’ve told my mom, the cousins would just…I fear, would just not react well, and I risk losing a whole lot of respect from them. But they’re my family, they’re with me for life- and for better or for worse, I will likely have a girlfriend at some point in the future. So they’ll have to know eventually. Can you keep that secret forever? Because this life means risking never having a real family- because the relationship you have with them is only half true…and when you find someone you do love..do you really want to tell her that she can’t share that with you, and that she’ll always have to be put to the side?…just something to think about- and know that you have company, as I’ve been doing a lot of the same thinking myself lately…

honey, it’s time to come out of the closet and you should (IF as you say) you don’t love her, leave that poor girl alone. sounds like she might be better without you. love is NOT something to play around with. think.