Growing Up Too Fast

My life is very complicated and I’m only 16 going into junior year of high school. Let’s start off with my parents. I have a mom who grew up very athletic playing softball her whole life. She didn’t date much. I’m not really sure how she met a lady named D. because she never talks about that stuff and she has never told me she or D. was gay but. They went to a sperm bank and ended up having my brother and me.

About me: I was born and raised in Colorado so I grew up with the outdoors especially with active moms. Like my mom I am very athletic and LOVE sports. I guess growing up with two moms I never thought that two girls together was weird or anything. People would always ask about my parents I never could find a way to explain their relationship because I don’t know what it is. The subject of gays seemed to come up more and more in middle school. Every one would say that gay people are weird and gross. I disagreed with them but would never say anything. I would always ask myself why a man has to be with women (we didn’t go to church). Which I think was good because I got to form my own morals and beliefs for myself as I grew up.

7th grade was the first time I really realized that women can like women. There was this one time a friend and I were walking down the hall and a girl was bending over at her locker and I could not get my eyes off her ass. At that moment I thought omg I’m gay I really like girls but as we turned the corner my friend said to me: wow did you see how big that girls ass was.  Then I was confused if girls looked at other girls asses a lot or just at hers because it was big or something. By the end of 8th grade I knew I liked girls but I didn’t know how I felt about guys yet.

I was texting my friend one night and was joking around saying I like girls just to see what she would say. And she was like, there is nothing wrong with liking girls, I do. I had no clue she was bi. Her name is M. and she was the first person I told I was bi.

My life just sling shot from there!

One day M. was texting me and that is was when she said she really liked me. I had never thought of us like that because I was not attracted to her at all!!! Turns out she really liked me all of freshmen year. I told her that I liked her too (even though I didn’t) I guess not to hurt her because she really was a good friend. She said we should go out and I had no clue what to say so I was like yeah ok (to see where it went from there).

I started sneaking out of the house and running around with friends doing crazy things. One time my mom had woken up and decided to come check on me but she couldn’t find me and got really scared. She found me by cell phone and I was grounded by having my phone taken away (by this time I was really trying to ignore M. because when I was around her it was awkward for me). My mom ended up reading some messages from M. and that is how she found out I was gay. (Not the greatest way possible.) I ended it with M. lying to her telling her I didn’t like commitment instead of the fact I wasn’t attracted to her.

Later in the summer I had a trip planned for three weeks with my mom. During my trip I was really attracted to one of the guys that were 4 years older than me. by the end of the trip I could tell he liked me (took me awhile) but we ended up making out one night then that led all the way to third base but since that was the first time I kissed someone I didn’t go further. I didn’t really care for making out with him that much it did nothing for me.

Sophomore year: by then I told a few more “friends” that I was lesbian. I joined the guys wrestling team in the winter with only one other girl that was going to do wrestling with me. Her name was Hannah and she was best friends with someone I had told I was gay. Then one day before a practice she comes up to me at my locker while other people are around and says dude are the rumours I heard about you being lesbian true? And I go um. . . yeah. The next day Hannah just quit wrestling. That year was spent researching gay things and that’s when I found the L word. During that year I also hooked up with more guys and my grades dropped a lot, I had to drop out of my honors classes and now I have like no GPA (2.2) while trying to get over those straight girl crushes that I very much still have!

By now pretty much everyone knows friends, old teachers, soccer coach (who is also gay), my grandpa…

I started to think M. could give me some good girl experience before I try to actually date. I called her and was like hey you want to go out with me. (I was in Hawaii for refing soccer.) Then that very night I hooked up with a guy in our hotel. I again didn’t feel a thing. Two days later I don’t know how it happened but we had sex in his room. He was also there for soccer and is 3 years older than me. The next night I go out to a club with other girls. We get totally wasted and this chick and I go skinny dipping in the ocean end up making out AND it was AMAZING it felt so good. :):) My mom found out I was drunk off my ass and totally broke down because she thinks she is losing me she would go crazy if she knew I had sex at 16.

How do I step back for a second because I’m going out with M. again and I don’t know why? And how do I stop it with guys I honestly don’t like it but I still end up hooking up with them? How do I find the type that I am attracted to? (Because girls I’m attracted to seem straight.)

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