So Here’s My Story

Ok, so I’ve been reading this site for awhile and finally decided to post on it today since yesterday was not such a great day for me to say the least. I’ll start from the beginning - this might be long so anyone who reads all the way through - thank you much.

At age 14 I started high school and met this amazing girl who kind of turned my beliefs upside down, she taught me about what being ‘bisexual’ was. I had no idea about this bisexual thing until she spoke of it in our 2nd period Math class about 2 weeks after we met. She asked me if I ever liked girls in a note. I told her that I had never really thought about it before. All I knew was that straight was normal and gay was bad. I asked her what it felt like to like a girl and after that she gave me some examples of what it feels like to like a girl - I realized that I was developing some pretty hardcore feelings for her… however she was always unavailable, but senior year we were both dating guys but decided that it was time to ‘experiment’ with each other. It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced; I had never been so turned on before in my life. We had such an intense emotional connection that everything just fell together perfectly.

I dated guys, particularly I dated this one guy 2 times in high school and after the second time I was so heartbroken I refused to speak with him anymore. During that time I dated several different girls and guys and then after awhile realizing that guys were fun to play with but not for anything else really I broke up with a guy to be with a girl and had known since 9th grade that I always liked girls better than guys. So I made the determination that I was just gay, and when I made that declaration of myself I felt so good all the time it was like I was walking on cloud 9 constantly. I dated this girl for about 8 months and we planned to get married and start a life together but it was short lived when she cheated on me one night shortly before she was to leave to go off to college in MA. Needless to say I was devastated and after that girl left for college I spent a lot of time with her best friend and we got into a lot of trouble with drugs and alcohol and hooked up with her a couple times.

During all of this, something that my friends from school never knew about was that during a horse show (I’ve ridden horses all my life) in 2001 I met this girl and we started talking at this 4 day show and about a year later I realized that I was completely and totally in love with her. Being around her was the best thing ever. There was not ever a single doubt in my mind that I was head over heels in love with her but I knew that no one from school would understand so I didn’t talk about her… ever. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but because of the distance between us we never dated or anything besides our flirtatious pecks and hugs and holding hands in the barns when no one was around. She was so beautiful in my eyes and the fact that her boyfriend treated her like shit pissed me off beyond all reason. We did admit we loved each other and we had some of the most in depth conversations I’ve ever had in my life - she was there for me when my father was having problems with alcohol but she didn’t really know how bad it was. Off the subject of her because now 7 almost 8 years later she’s a drug addict and I cannot bear to think about the fact that she’s gone so far off the deep end that it pains me terribly to simply think about her. The only way I know she’s still alive is to see when the last time she was logged onto Facebook was. Sad.

Back to senior year. My mother had asked me for years: Are you a lesbian? Do you think you’re gay? so finally on the last day of high school I said ‘you know what mom, yes I am a lesbian.’ Thinking it would get her off my back - well it didn’t. The homophobia just got really bad where she was verbally and at a point physically abusive to me but it wasn’t without warrant this was when I was doing drugs and didn’t really have much of a connection with myself. She sent me to a therapist to become straight. During this time I started talking to the guy that had broken my heart before that - I felt like there was a little something, but there really wasn’t anything that I felt for him like I had felt for any girl I had ever been with or liked in the previous times. My feelings stayed the same for him which was that he was just a really good friend - however he fell in love with me. I constantly felt horrible because I was gay and didn’t have any feelings for him but he loved me. I told him about my drug use at the end of 2005 and he told my parents. I’m thankful he did because I really don’t know where I’d be if he didn’t. In 2006 my mom and some of my friends were saying that maybe I should just date him because he was everything I was looking for - he just wasn’t… right. But I thought that maybe if I gave it a try I would develop feelings for him and fall in love with him. So I dated him- all while fighting an internal battle with myself- I like girls- NO I DONT. I like girls- NO I DONT NO NO NO!

During this time that we dated, which was almost 2 years I fought with myself about liking girls and would have homosexual thoughts and freak out - anxiety attacks and everything I couldn’t handle it. I’d lock myself in the bathroom for hours and cry shaking and I’d tell him about what I was freaking out about. He told me that if I wanted to be straight I could be - I wanted to be - so I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I didn’t always like having sex with him… most of the time I didn’t after about 5 months of our relationship it was just more of a task to perform. However sometimes it was good, sometimes it was great… but who knows, something just didn’t feel right at all during the time we dated… but I’d think - I’m gay - NO I LOVE HIM. Constant battle. I remember thinking at the beginning of our relationship that if we ever broke up I’d go back to women which of course made me freak out. I thought about it everyday and my gay guy friend told me all the time at first that maybe I do like girls. I freaked out and yelled at him no no!! It was crap. I got a crush on my neighbor who was a girl I went to high school with - but we didn’t know each other then. She liked me too, it was clear. Our boyfriends weren’t clueless either, they knew and my boyfriend didn’t like her at all. With reason. During the time I became extremely homophobic, but only towards lesbians. It was the weirdest thing, but I was told it was normal now… from being repressed within myself.

In December of last year we broke up and I was so broken, and started talking to my first love again. Which made me realize: dude, you’re gay. Straight girls don’t feel like this for other girls. I told a few people that I was still gay and was always gay which got some of them going - “WELL DUH! WTF were you doing with a GUY anyway?” I’m 20 now and I know that I’m gay, now here is the dilemma. My mom found out again by the ex-boyfriend telling her in February this year. Damn it!! I wasn’t ready to come out again!! So my Mother has been horrible to me because during the time of being with him she would say to me ‘don’t you want to be normal, gays have horrible lives, they’re not happy, you can’t be happy with a woman’ I heard this so much when I’d bring up girls crying to her that I started to believe it. So when it came out that I was still gay it didn’t go over so well. I finally admitted that I was a lesbian and she said that she’d rather see me in a KKK parade than at a gay pride festival. Wonderful. Yesterday we got into it again and she told me that she would never give up on me. So because of all of this tension from my family - and no it’s not just my mom, it’s everyone from my family… I get the most ridicule that hurts the most from my family! Not other people, I’ll stand up to a protester at a pride festival with the most valid points but if a family member comes up to me I shut down I am lost for words and they make me think “I do just want to be normal” but I know that I’m happy as a lesbian, not as a ‘fake straight’ During the relationship with the guy I was co-dependent, lacking confidence, spiteful, paranoid and just plain unhappy. I am not like that now, I’m light and feel great 97% of the time when my family isn’t giving me shit but when they do it makes me doubt myself.

I know that I don’t like guys, I just feel like because of everything that my family says to me that I should because it’s right and I need to be normal because I want that closeness I had with my mom while I was with him… but it won’t happen anymore. Also because of all of this I feel like I need to prove that I’m gay to my gay friends because I dated a guy which is stupid so I get myself all confused… and I just don’t know what to do anymore about any of it… its just really frustrating I guess, so I just wanted to vent.

Any input would be great I’d really appreciate it I just feel alone sometimes because all of my friends have had accepting parents. It just sucks.

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