Where Does A Femme Fit?

I am an 18 year old gay woman. I understand how you feel completely, I look like any straight girl would so I also automatically get placed into that group. I generally get no attention from gay women because they think i’m straight, therefore, I get too much unwanted attention from men. Like you, I find it hard to fit into the gay community. I stick out like a sore thumb when in gay clubs, I am always they only female in the place with heels (also my torture of choice) and a dress on.

I’m afraid that I really can not offer you any help as I myself am still struggling with it. All I can say is that you are not alone in this, we share the same fears. I know how hard it is to find your niche, I am still searching for mine.

Hey Denaya I can relate to what you are saying.I am very girly and people are shocked when they find out I like girls. Butch girls stay away because they think I,m straight .Its very frustrating. When I was younger I had to perform a facial on a very successful ,gorgeous woman that intimidated the hell out of me. She could see how obviously uncomfortable I was (it was also my first week at a new job) anyway she was letting me in on a few secrets of her successes and told me to fake it till I make it. I guess part of what I took away from our conversation is dress how you feel GREAT about yourself. You really don,t want to do anything that isn,t “you”so that you can fit into a group. Be yourself and keep yourself out there. You will find other people like us that will be able to offer support. Sorry if this wasn,t helpful.

I personally don,t feel dressed until I have on a pair of heels either. Ahh the suffering for fashion. Hope this helped a bit:)

Ladies, I know exactly how you feel, and I am here to tell you that you are NOT the only femme dykes. We’re everywhere, you just can’t tag us as easily as the butches! I came out in 1993, when I was 19 years old. At the time, I thought I had to cut my hair short and get all butchified in order to fit in with the queer crowd. I’m 34 years old now, and I’ve come to terms with the femme and bisexual parts of my sexuality.

Shar Rednour’s book “The Femme’s Guide to the Universe” was a real eye-opener for me. Here in Boston, we also have a group called MadFemmePride (it’s the GLBT Boston meetup group) that marches in Pride every year and does social events and whatnot. If you’re having trouble finding the femmes in your town, maybe you should try doing something similar!

I find that the larger the city and the larger and more integrated the queer community, the more likely you are to find high concentrations of femmes.

You also might want to check out a book by Minnie Bruce Pratt called “S/He,” and this website: http://www.thefemmeshow.com/blog/index.php.

Finally, be true to your femmey selves! There are PLENTY of dykes out there — butches, femmes, and everything in between — who find you sexy, attractive, and GAY just the way you are. Panties, lipstick, lace, and stockings are not just for straight girls and drag queens.

Ahh OKelle! I loved MadFemmePride when I was in Boston!!! That brought back memories lol, it is a really good group with lots of stuff going on… Is Diesel Cafe still as hip as it used to be??? I loved that place….

OK… Getting back to Denaya… I am not so feminine but I get hit on by guys all the time, so I don’t think I am really butch either. I am into feminine girls, so I can give you a bit of advice as to how to get the other girls to notice you more:

I am guilty of this so sorry, but even though Im really into femmes, whenever I see a cute girl in heels I automatically think she is straight… but how you can change that perception is quite simple -> you - the femme - can smile at them and look at them the same way straight girls look at cute guys they like. If you see a girl you like, I think the only way to convince them you’re gay/bi is to give them the ‘vibe’ that you are into them or if you’re not, just kinda be more flirtatious and they will at least get the sense that you are not so ’straight’! Also you can drop references to things like the L word or Ani Difranco or some other dyke hit of the day that many girls will know about.

That reminds me of a story. Back this year in pride I was talking to my friend about Alice from the L word (leisha Hailey) and I was going on about how cute she was LOL, and these butch couple turned around and said, ‘are you gay?’ to me. I blew them a kiss as a joke (I know… stupid) but they couldn’t believe it… but they did start talking to us… hehe…

If you show shyness or look away etc when a girl looks at you, then the girls are just going to think you’re straight - which can be a good thing if you’re not interested lol. So I think unfortunately, there is less room to be shy when you are femme because a bit of flirtation and any dyke will turn around and give you the second look. Confidence is key whether you are a guy or girl, butch or femme.

Also, one of the most attractive features of people is when they just be themselves and having a good aura about you. There is definitely room for femme girls in the gay community, and if you want friends, you just have to give the girls the ‘vibe’ that you play for your team and you’re on your way.

Also bear in mind that you are always going to get rejection from people whether they are in the gay community or not. Just shrug it off and keep looking and you’ll soon find a great bunch of mates to hang out with :).

Just be yourself and keep doing your thing girlfriend! lol…

Also, I knew Cynthia Nixon was gay when I was like 15 and she still was with her boyfriend at the time, and had a kid to him. The reason? There was just something about her that I thought… hmmm… she isn’t that straight acting, even though she was acting as a straight character Miranda on Sex and the City … Same with some of the top women’s tennis players… it is not really about what they wear - its about How they wear their clothes.

Some people say you can’t really tell if people are gay or not, and I think this is true - as many people aren’t clued into these things. But I also believe in the ‘gay-vibe’, and those that have it have no problems getting girls to look at them. I think you can just acquire the vibe from gaining a certain comfortableness from being in the community, and developing a certain familiarity with women (who like women) mannerisms.

I know many people think this is rubbish (so I am not going to argue with anyone who posts after me about how dumb my post is lol), but believe it or not, straight people do it too. There is a book called the Biology of Attraction and one of the things that is says is that men and women give each other ’signals’ that they are into one another long before they speak and the man (usually) asks the woman out.

Anyway… good luck…

You gotta be yourself. Dress good so you can Feel good and if you feel good I’m pretty sure some lesbian out there would like to get to know you. BTW it is really how you act. I myself i.d. as a butch, so i dress like one big shirts, ties, baggy pants and etc. but if i don’t like one than nobody is going to take me serious. there going to think i’m another fake lesbian or a “tomboy” (i hate that word, makes all butch lesbians fake). So go out there and don’t wait for anything. if you see any cute girl go for it.
P.S. congrats on coming out.

I am also pretty femme. I mean, I played rugby- love sports and always will- but I also really love my high-heels, Sex and the City, hotpants, highlights, etc, the whole enchilada. I do not believe in limiting stereo-types, and I think women should support women, whether they look like they could bench-press 250, or whether they always have a touch of pink in their outfits. So BOO to any queer girls who didn’t support you in your skirt and heels!

I definitely think many girls would support you, though, if they were more aware that you were gay- and to that end I advocate adding little bit of gay-fashion to your normal style! Ties, vests, and suspenders are totally in, and also serve very well at clubs…at least in my experience. A cuff, or rainbow pin is also a good tip-off.

And as far as the mannerisms…I was dressed in a skirt, heels, and nice top the other day, just walking into Barnes and Noble, and saw a lesbian coming out the door- gave her just that second-longer-than-usual bit of eye-contact, and then looked back after I passed her- and she was looking back! So the connection can happen even without the fashion tip-offs; I really do believe the attitude that comes off as unaccepting or unwelcoming is just fear of embarrassment of accidentally hitting on a straight girl.

But as to the person who posted about MadFemmePride- I want to start something like that in Philly. Any ideas on how I can get that started?…?

So Megan337, this is just a hypothetical question: if the girl you passed outside Barnes and Nobles turned around and asked you out, would you have said yes? Alternatively, if she started up a conversation, would you have stayed around to chat? Just wondering….

i understand your situation Denaya, i’m a relationship and i’m not really old enough to go to clubs (*cough* 14). but my sister always hipes on me about my girlfriend being more of the “guy” in the relationship and i’m the more “prissy, ‘omg’” one, meaning the “girl.” my girlfriend takes that wayy offensive, cuz no girl likes to be called a man unless they really want to be one.

Anyways, i’m more of the femme i guess, and when i told my friends that i was dating my girlfriend for a lot of months they were like “i can’t see you dating girls or liking girls” or something because i just don’t ‘look like i would’. it sucks becuase guys would ALWAYS flrit with me and my girlfriend hates that (she’s very territorial we’d like to call it) and i do too, cuz i hate men.

I dont really know what to say to this except just be who you are and don’t change yourself for others to like you (i’ve done that before, it doesnt work). if youre happy with how you dress and act then people will come to you and love you just like that. don’t worry about how you look soo much, there are people out there in the world that will find you or you’ll find them, but if you do find someone you find attractive and stuff then show them in a way that you’re a lesbian so they don’t shrug you off (hurts to be rejected i know, especially without them saying it=[).

Good luck and don't be afraid to be yourself. be confident, everyone likes that=].

Loves, Ro

This is BRILLIANT advice. Thank God for this forum because even though i’ve totally figured it out and have myself a wonderful girlfriend who i want to spend the rest of my life with, i’ve always pretty much felt alone. i figured alright, i’m attractive, guys hit on me constantly (btw, men r so easy to flirt with, all u have 2 do is look back), this getting girls thing should be a piece of cake. man was i wrong!!
im a girly girl and i guess the fact that im the intimidation behind the pin-striped fedora and martini glass, lesbians dont even give me the time of day. like guys, 4get it. i roll my eyes cause they DO come over no matter wat. but i learned the hard way that if i dont put out that gay vibe, the women dont even bother. so yea, conclusively, i began my gaydar escapade when i figured it out and most of the time, the glare, the grin or wat have u, was futile!!!
like get this…if i notice that a girl is checking me out, i will gladly return eye-contact (considering im interested) and 9 out of 10 times, they’ll like practically jolt their heads in the other direction.
i get that im intimidating but jesus christ, cant a femme get a lil’ lovin???!!!
of course i do possess the fear of being tres embarrassed if i accidentally hit on a straight girl, no doubt about that.
im lucky i found my soulmate, who surprisingly isn’t all that much of a girly girl…so i dont have 2 deal with this anymore!

BUT DONT GET MY WRONG, GREAT ADVICE SISTERS!!!

xoxo K

http://www.myspace.com/carolynboca

Hey K,
What you experienced is called ‘the lesbian wall’. Unfortunately, a lot of lesbians will give you the wall or the dagger stare to show on the outside they aren’t interested, but they really are (or they are nervous and don’t realize they are being so unapproachable). It is probably self-preservation, but I have encountered it many a time, and I just act all aloof and start a conversation with them like it doesn’t matter if they don’t give me the time of day. Anyway, so long as you don’t give out any ‘desperate’ or ‘creepy’ vibes, they open up and you’re good as gold.

I have dated a few of the initial ‘dagger starers’ and they both said that they are just really uncomfortable in bars/clubs. I think for me is that I never go out expecting to hook up or find a girlfriend, it is all about going with the flow and meeting great new people. People will always have ‘issues’, so it might not have anything to do with you or what you wear (why they are blowing you off that is). So long as you’re happy and approachable, you’ll meet a lot of cool people over the long run.