Just Need To Get This Off My Chest

Well, the thing is I’m new - to here and also to this whole sexuality thing.

My story is a little ambiguous, at least to myself, and I probably wouldn’t make sense because I’m really still pretty confused. I just need an outlet where I’m less likely to be judged so I can speak my mind.

I’m 18, coming 19 this year, and I have absolutely no idea what I am. All my life, I had identified myself as straight. I’ve had my share of crushes on guys, nothing serious though, and I dated a few guys very very casually. 3 times I ended up in a relationship with guys, but there had never really been anything special. The first time I was only 12 (that’s considered very young where I come from), and we never did anything besides holding hands and hanging out. All in all, we were more like great friends who held hands more than anything, and in less than 6 months it ended and I never even really felt sad about it or anything. The second time I was 16, we were best friends, and I never really figured out how I felt about him because we ended things really soon. We didn’t even get to holding hands, actually. The third time was sometime this year, and the point is while I knew logically that he’s really good for me, I didn’t feel anything for him. Needless to say, I ended it pretty quickly too.

If I’m honest, I suppose I’ve been attracted to girls for a while. Thinking back, it probably started when I was 14 or 15, that’s when I became more aware of girls. I check out girls more, I fantasize about them and basically I feel like I am attracted to them. But the point is, I have never liked one either, and I never tried dating one.

Don’t get me wrong, I think about guys too. It’s just that my experiences with them are still pretty limited; I’ve never gone beyond holding hands! It’s even worse with girls so I actually have no basis for comparison.

I come from a pretty conservative place, where gays and lesbians are frowned upon, maybe that’s why I never gave my sexuality any thought until now. I’ve been brought up with very traditional ideas, even kissing before you’re in a stable relationship with a guy is considered bad (sorry I know it’s rather suffocatingly stiff), so I basically don’t know what to do about this. A part of me believes that I’m into guys and that this whole girl thing is just a phase, but I don’t know. I can’t explain why I suspect I like girls besides whatever I had pointed out except that you know, it’s just a feeling. I’m just so confused because I wouldn’t dare to date a girl just to see how I feel about it. I mean it’s just so taboo around here. And I don’t exactly feel like dating guys either so… I don’t know. I’m just really confused. I don’t even know if I’m really straight or gay or bi.

Sorry this is such a long post and I’m not sure if I’m making sense at all but it’ll really be nice to hear some thoughts or advice or something.

Thanks!

Carmen

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