Mixed Signals

Last year wasn’t an easy year for me. I was going through a phase (growing pains). I was paranoid and I was realizing that I had a crush on someone of the same sex. There was a lot running through my mind. Let’s just say last year hit me hard. So a friend of mine who I’ve known for about 3 to 4 years spoke to me. I’ve never really gotten the chance to get to know her really. I didn’t bother till now. It turns out she actually helped me out a lot. And after that day we began to talk each day to the point where we’ve become so close. I see something in her that I never cared to notice before. So to make a long story shorter I have basically fallen in love. She sometimes gives me mixed signals. Like for one I notice she gets hostile when someone tries to flirt with me. And how she’s mostly the 1 to spark up a conversation between us however sometimes she seems just as nervous and afraid as I am. Now she knows how much I care for her. I told her a few months ago. But I don’t think that was enough.

Basically I’m thinking back on the times we’ve spent together and there were a few signals indicating that there are hidden feelings that she chooses not to reveal because she is afraid. There was this 1 time when she and I were play fighting and she said “ooh yeah harder” in a jokingly way. However she never jokes around like that with me. Neither do I. I’m guessing she thought that would be a signal for her to get out from me. When she said that I was speechless. Then she said “sorry…bad joke”. There are several others but I’ll stop here. I just don’t know where to start. I sometimes feel like she’s testing my patience.

I’m a person who doesn’t like waiting but in this case I am but deep down inside I just want to explode. I’m trying to keep myself from doing so because it won’t turn out nice. And the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings. I’d rather have her in my life then to not have her at all. That’s what I fear the most because despite all the mixed signals and emotions I get, I would hate to have her be thrown out my life. I feel that she feels the same way too.

I think maybe the reason she chooses to hide her feelings is because she is afraid to commit. We don’t live near each other. There are many things we have in common that aren’t noticeable. We may be 2 different people that have grown in 2 completely different environments but we have this connection that I can’t even explain. Of all the people I’ve known this connection is by far the strongest/strangest I’ve ever had. I just fear what might end up of it. I want to know what goes through her head when she thinks about this relationship we have. I remember the time I told her how much I cared for her. She was glad and very happy to know that about my feelings. However she seemed unsure. A week later she comes to me and tells me how she has been feeling so shitty and hopeless, crying about how much she wishes things could be. That day I didn’t understand what she was trying to say but I feel that a small part of it had to do with me. (No, it’s not that she doesn’t want to admit that she’s gay or whatever because she already told me that she’s bisexual).

Since we live so far from each other we keep contact through MSN messenger. The distance is what really kills everything. I can’t do much about it since I’m only 17 years old and she’s 19. This entire situation is just very complicated for me and I don’t know what to do about it.

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