Utter Confusion
I’m writing this because I truly don’t know who else to talk to. I am a 24 year old woman and if asked what my sexual orientation is I’d be hard pressed for an answer. The thing is I go back and forth; sometimes I feel that I’m straight, other times I think I might be bisexual then I change my mind again and wonder if I’m not after all a lesbian.
I’ve had those feelings for as long as I can remember. In the third grade I had a huge crush on a cute (male) sixth grader. But at the same time I would sit next to my best (female) friend and wonder how it would feel like to kiss her.
I have never really dated anyone, man or woman. I’ve taken steps (posted ads on various websites, created profiles on lesbian dating sites) in order to meet lesbian or bi women and maybe even try to date. But once a date is set and a meeting is about to take place, I get scared and wonder if this is what I truly want.
I think I like guys. I mean I appreciate male attention; I flirt and definitely appreciate an attractive man. But I also get completely flustered when I come in contact with a woman I find attractive, a woman who most of the time happens to be much older than me. I love many aspects, of the lesbian pop culture. I watch a lot of lesbian movies, TV show, read tons of lesbian books, frequent lesbian websites assiduously…
I feel that I should know who I am at this point and the fact that I don’t is driving me crazy even though I understand that sexuality is fluid and that there a lot of gray zones.
Just writing all this down feels great, as if I’m unburdening myself. Perhaps, someone will read this and have some answers for me…
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. About your experience i think...
Hi Eva,
I don’t really know if it can help,
I found a radical position on this kind of problem by shorting all the words “…sexual”
I’m not Hetero, bi, homo or….
I just make a difference bettween people who are sexual or not sexual.Perhaps I watch to much JWaters movies…
bye
Hi Eva,
This dilemma is not uncommon. In fact I am a lesbian, not that I like being catagorized, because that is what screws a lot of people up. I tried for a long time when I was younger, I am 42 now, to be heterosexual. I realized that I was just more attracted and more comfortable with women emotionally and sexually. No it wasn’t easy making that first step but once I did a light bulb went off like an aha moment and I knew. You shouldn’t try to identify yourself sexually, it is and as many people say you fall in love with the person. One singer calls herself omnisexual which I think is pretty cool. My best friend (who is straight and married with kids) who I have had a sexual and emotional relationship with for over 32 years recently blurted this same statement out to me, maybe I am bi, maybe I am a lesbian and I don’t know it. It is a difficult dilemma, I don’t know why but I was born this way, by the way my brother is also gay. There is so much stigma/hatred with being gay, that it is very hard to admit it let alone live your life that way. I have seen many changes in society over the years and it is definitly improving… Best advice I can give you is go with your gut, and your heart and be honest with the person you have your first encounter with because we were all there at one point. I hope I helped. Let me know how it goes.
Don’t worry eventually you will know. Maybe you should also check bisexual sites, you may feel identified with. Sooner or later, you will meet somebody (man or woman) you will love and nothing else will matter, just allow yourself to do it.
I consider myself lesbian and I love that, but I can’t help to feel sexually atracted to some guys’ smell. I don’t worry about it, it doesn’t make me stop loving my girl.
You are describing my situation exactly. I am just as confused as you! I hoping with time things will work themselves out and everything will come clear to me. I hope the same happens for you.