How Do I Cope When She Won’t Fulfill My Needs?

I think this is an expectations problem. She expects you to not like sex and you expect her to love sex. I am sorry, I think you are walking in different ways.

Take a look at Candy’s story: “Need advise on a sexual girlfriend” (June 16th, 2008), she is living just the opposite and you may feel identified.

Before we moved together, my girlfriend used to have a relationship with a nice woman that didn’t enjoyed sex much. My girl is a very sexual person and the other girl was very religious and felt guilty everytime they had sex. They had sex like 10 times in 4 years.

Then she met me. She was my first relationship with a woman and I loved sex from the very first time we did it. Sadly, we cheated on her, but we couldn’t stop no matter how hard we tried. We just felt in love and we have been together for 3 and half years.

My point is, your sexual needs are very valid, as her not liking sex. Maybe you two need to find your pair: she a celibate girlfriend and you a sexual girlfriend.

My girl used to tell me how rejected and unwanted she felt everytime she tried having sex with her ex. That’s not fair to any of you.

My advise: go to teraphy together to solve her issues with sex and your self esteem. If she has no issues and she is just like that, maybe you two need to find somebody else. You may end cheating on her and that will just hurt both.

Wish you love!

You said that she uses your past against you and doesn’t trust you sexually. Those are pretty huge issues. I think therapy is definitely something you should try, if possible. She could be a nonsexual person in which case you two will have to come to some sort of compromise about both of your sexual needs.

But it could also be that she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she doesn’t trust you. She might think that because of your past, you’re going to cheat on her too. That may be completely unfair of her or you may be doing things that make her suspicious.

If you feel like you’re not going to cheat on her, perhaps you two could talk about why you cheated in the past. If you could make her understand the differences between then and now, she might be able to trust you more.

It’s a pretty tough situation, and I’m sorry you have to go through it. The sad truth is that there’s a good chance there will be no solution, and you two will have to go your separate ways.

Hi Lost Cause,

It is clear that you are a very kind person with a gentle, considerate nature. We were very troubled to hear that you would consider going to such extremes as taking medication to suppress your sexuality and to compromise yourself in such a way for your wife.

It seems as though your wife is making you feel that your sexual desire is the problem, not her lack of it. But it is normal to want to have a physical relationship with your partner.

It sounds to us like your wife is taking advantage of your kind nature to keep you in her life as a support mechanism. She knows that she has control over you, because you are clearly in love with her, but let’s face it, if you’re not having sex your relationship is platonic: you are just friends.

She might not necessarily be doing this consciously, but one of you needs to be honest about what you actually have together. You might feel like your relationship is more than just a friendship, but is it really?

There are two options: a. Go for relationship counselling. Your wife may need to address her issues with sex on her own as well. or b. Get divorced. Because you will never be happy and fulfilled in this relationship as it stands, and it doesn’t seem like the communication between you two is conducive to addressing your issues head on.
But be prepared for the worst, because it might just be that your wife is not sexually attracted to you. She loves you deeply, but that is different to having a fulfilling relationship, in the way that you need it to be.

You can’t suppress yourself - so don’t even think about doing that, it will only make you very unhappy.

Your post has left us in no doubt that you are a wonderful, kind, attractive person. You should be with someone who gives you as much as you give them.

Good luck,
J & V

Are you kidding? She’s the one who apparently has a psychological problem,she’s the one who needs to deal with it! You have needs,you’re a human. You can’t erase your appetite,nor should you,ever! Your wife could see a therapist,and if she likes living like that divorce her,you can’t be happy with a sexually dead person.

If you wish to remain married, I suggest you engage in a hearty fantasy life and masturbate. Masturbate in front of your wife. Perhaps she feels some pressure to perform or to take care of you, that will be obviated by you willingness to satisfy yourself. She can kiss you or hold you while you enjoy yourself, at her will. Or she can continue to ignore you or reject you.

Just keep your fantasies in your head. Or else divorce is imminent.

I have been queer for a long long time. I have gone through peaks and valleys of sexual desire. In long term relationships, I usually have less desire, or my girlfriends do. When I am in a dating phase I flirt a lot and get f* a lot, and it’s fun to be the center of a lot of girls’ intense desire. But honestly, when you are worried about making mortgage payments together or fixing the house or doing oodles of laundry, sex sometimes drops below good tv, or on really bad days, it drops below mediocre tv. It happens.

If you depend on another person for your self-esteem, you are in trouble. Self-esteem is really in the word, you esteem yourself, irrespective of what anyone else on the planet thinks about you. So love yourself, in the metaphorical, emotional, and in that way that satisfies your sexual desire.

And if you truly value yourself, you’ll make a mature decision about your marriage.

Good luck.