Hindsight and Foresight… Seeing The Same Thing
Reading through a lot of the stories on this website made me feel in solidarity with more people than I would have imagined. I haven’t told a single person, hold an online friend, that I’m nearly positive that I’m gay. I say nearly because I’ve never had a “lesbian experience.” I’ve kissed a girl once, but it was some drunken hook-up for male attention; attention I didn’t really even want.
I’m 19 years old and heading into my second year of college. For a few years now I’ve considered my sexual orientation to be debatable. But this past year has forced my repressed feelings into my face in such a manner as to render me unable to ignore them. I had a boyfriend from high school that I continued dating into my freshman year of college. I’ve always had boyfriends, but never have I felt any real connection to them. I thought I was just dating the wrong guys. My friends would obsess over their boyfriends, cry over them, fawn over them, and profess their passionate love for them. I kind of just raised my eyebrows at all of them. I thought maybe I was too logical for such blinding infatuation. Now I know that’s not true.
Anyway, a few months into college my boyfriend and I went to dinner and were going back to his place. His parents were gone and I was going to stay over. In the car ride back to his house, I found myself pleading that we’d hit traffic or that a friend would call me with some little emergency that I’d have to talk her through. I had a truly foreboding feeling of sexual anticipation. And then when I was lying in bed next to this amazing guy I fully realized that I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I wasn’t in love with him, I wasn’t attracted to him, and there was no other guy that I could imagine feeling anything more for. A few more months passed before I found it in me to break up with him for fabricated reasons.
At that point I really started taking my attractions toward women seriously. Like they say hindsight is 20/20. I recalled having a crush on my best friend in second grade and always wanting to hold her hand, and again on another friend a few years down the road. I idolized her. She was on a sport team of mine and was a huge tomboy, so I started to dress like her and wear boy’s shorts and baggy t shirts. I like girly things, always have, but I wanted her to like me. And through the years I’ve definitely had other ones, but naturally I learned to ignore them and downplay them and “rationalize” them.
It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in spending my idle time fantasizing about scenarios in which I’m with a girl. I hate it that I’m living the moments I want to experience only in my head. It is extremely depressing. Even in college this year I developed feelings for a friend that I hid, I think, pretty well but I thought about her all the time. And I too have to hide the fact that I watch all of the movies with lesbian plots/subplots I can and of course The L Word. It’s so annoying when you’re trapping yourself from… well being yourself.
Although I’m not out yet to anyone, in the past week or so I’ve finally fully accepted that I’m probably gay… all I need is a real experience with a woman to erase the probably. But having accepting what I have, I’m already feeling more comfortable with myself as a whole, as a person.
I can’t wait till I can garner the courage to come out. My family isn’t conservative, but I think they would be confused about my feelings when they haven’t been actualized and I can’t blame them. Also, I play a sport in college and I know people from the local level to all around the country in this sport and the majority of my friends are in this world as is my family. It’s such a small world with so many connections that I don’t know who to confide it.
Who should you tell first a family member or a friend? Any other advice is welcome.
Comments
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
Who you come out to first is your call. I found that telling my best friend was easiest; he was already out to me and so I knew the whole gay thing wasn’t going to be an issue. You’ll see that once you tell someone who is accepting, it becomes easier each person you tell.
Pick a close friend or two and tell them. You’ll find that they’re, hopefully, cool with it. I’m going to take a wild guess and say you are surrounded by lesbians if you play a sport in college, so avoid telling the wrong big-mouth or you’ll become “fresh meat.”
Telling your parents is for another day, in my opinion anyway. It’s awesome that they’re not conservative, but you’re still their daughter. They might support gay marriage, but their reaction to you being gay might not be as supportive (hopefully it is though!). Feel them out and tell them when the time is right.
Whoever you tell, congrats for figuring yourself out. Don’t try and jump into anything. Take it easy, date around, and have fun. Learn from my mistake: don’t let a new, exciting girlfriend screw up your performance on the field.
Good Luck!
I would think that a friend would be the best person to tell first… like they say, you choose you friends, you don’t choose your family. Also, the first could well be the hardest, so perhaps it might be better if it’s someone you’re sure will be supportive (assuming such a person is available) first, and the others later.
Having said that, I should warn you that I haven’t come out yet either, so I’m NOT speaking from experience. It’s just, that’s what I’m planning, if I do turn out to be lesbian.
Best wishes!
I’m glad you have been able to come to this conclusion at 19. I am married with kids and have just come to the realization that I am attracted to women, but not sure if it is a bi thing or a bicurious thing. I will probably never find out because I don’t share this with anyone. As a mom of an 18-year-old, I can tell you that I love my children no matter what and I believe your mom will do the same.
First of all, I really feel the need to let you know “Hey! You’re not alone.” But I’m fairly sure you are already well aware of that since you’ve been around the site. But being 19 myself, I feel like I can help relate on your level as to what you’re going through. Congratulations, for being willing to come to terms with yourself. What most people don’t realize is one of the hardest battles is the one we fight with ourself — and you’re one step closer to being happy with this realization.
Secondly, in regards to your question, I would have to say go with friends first out of personal opinion. I would recommend telling your family before you have a girlfriend that needs introducing, but I also believe having a really good support system filled with friends is key in this process.
If you need someone to talk to, an outsider’s opinion, or just someone to vent your frustrations for while to, feel free to email me or im me at acousticsavior@hotmail.com . I’ll try to help as best I can. But if nothing else, good luck in this process. You can do it.
I would definitely agree with the previous comments. You should tell someone you would trust with your life, because that’s essentially what you’re doing. This is going to be your life and only you can answer for it. I wish I had come out at 19, it would have saved me so much time and effort. Though, if you knew me, you might think I would have had it easy coming out. My mom is gay, but my whole life she saw how I acted and would always tell me she didn’t want me to be gay because of all the shit she had to go through. And I listened like a “good” daughter listens to her mother, when I should have been living my truth. We are okay now, but it took lots of tears to get through it. You just have to stick out the tough times and make the good times last as long as possible. And once you come out and everything settles down (I’m hoping it would.) you will have ALOT of fun. And if not, there’s always California. LOL, I jest.
Best of luck and just remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.