A Knot Of Self-indulgent Lunacy; Trying To Unwind It…
Hi everyone,
I guess I should start with a little about myself. I’m 22. Female, (obviously, otherwise what would I be doing here, LOL). I might be lesbian (ditto with the obvious). I’m not really sure, it’s complicated…
As you may have guessed from the title, I’ve got a real mess here, and I’m trying to sort it out. I suppose, the best way of putting it is that several threads are entangling.
- Feelings about relationships in general
- Feelings about men
- Feelings about a particular woman
Up until six months ago, those little threads kept themselves nicely separate. I wasn’t interested in a relationships with anyone of either sex, and the third of those threads wasn’t there. Then, about seven months ago, along it came, and it wound around the other two and made a right mess of things! Anyway, I’d best explain the ‘threads’ in more detail.
Well, anyway, my first, and only relationship was bad. With a man, of course. I didn’t get much of a say in things. I got out of it almost eight years ago, and have kept away from relationships ever since. Of paramount concern to me is that I not find myself in another abusive relationship, no matter what the sex of my partner. For me, the most important things about a relationship, is being able to get out of it.
Anyway, that experience has left me wary of men. Very wary in fact. Generally, they scare me. So, right… the way to deal with that is to keep away from men, yes? Well, up until now, I did. As much as I could. I certainly didn’t go out with anyone or anything.
And then the third thread comes along. About seven months ago, I started becoming attracted to one of my friends. But it was an emotional attraction only. Four months ago, it became a physical attraction too. I haven’t told her this.
And now suddenly, everything comes together. I have to confront the ‘relationship’ thread, because suddenly, for the first time in almost a decade, I have a true desire for a relationship. I probably didn’t have to confront the ‘men’ thread, but I did anyway. I’m worried that my fear of men is influencing my judgment. Maybe what I’m feeling isn’t real, and I’m only turning to a woman because I can’t get it from a man. That’s a big worry for me, because if I do anything, I’d want it to be real, not a reaction to something else. Maybe all I want is to be loved and comforted, and she certainly does that, better than almost everyone, if not everyone. And of course, I need to face the fact that I probably won’t be able to pursue a relationship with her. I think I love her, and she’s said she loves me, but that could very easily have been platonic.
So I guess that’s my little knot. I guess I want to be sure that what I’m feeling is real, before I act… if I act. I’m not sure what to do if it is real. If I told her how I felt, and she reacted badly, it could really mess up a lot of things. I guess… maybe some of you have been through this before, and I’ve been chewing over it for months. I don’t suppose you have any hints?
- BrokenWings
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. About your experience i think...
Hmm. I can relate a lot of this.
I have had an abusive relationship with a man before. He was my first. I was 18-19, he was 24-25. After that, I made a vow never to go through anything like that again and was extremely scared when I liked a 26 year old guy who was interested in a relationship with me 4 months after the first dude and I broke up. Every male I get close to reminds me of my first in a way but I have to remind myself they’re not him.
To use another example from a previous experience of mine, I know I’m mostly gay. But I did develop an attraction for one special guy which first was emotional, but became a physical attraction. It certainly was real, even though I know I’m a lesbian. That’s something you have to ask yourself if what you’re feeling for this girl is real.
I know what you mean about being scared of men because of an extreme experience. In my experience the attraction for females was already there before I went with this guy so I can’t say he made me gay. I think if you like someone, you like someone. If there is a physical attraction in addition to the emotional I think it’s very real. Go with the flow and see where it leads you.
It seems to me that a lot of lesbians have a terrible experience with a man in their pasts. Straight women as well. It probably is influencing your sexuality, but I don’t see how it couldn’t. I know I have a somewhat unpopular view that your sexuality is not set in stone at birth. There are experiences that shape it and you. This is one of them. So maybe your attraction to women is a reaction to a need for emotional intimacy with someone. If you’re scared of men, you’ll look for it in women. It’s sort of like adapting to what you can handle.
This doesn’t mean it’s not real. I think that your experience with men has made you more open to women in a way you might not have been if you didn’t have that experience. But if you really are attracted to this woman and feel an emotional connection with her, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter how you got there.
Of course, your issues with men are probably something you should work through, just for your own peace of mind. If that leads you back to dating men, that’s fine. Sexuality is fluid.