Is She Still In Love With Her Ex?
I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and we have recently moved in together. She is my first girlfriend and is perfect for me in every way. The problem I have is that she seems to talk about her ex a lot of the time. She talks like the sun shines from her even though this ex didn’t treat her very well when they were together and fleft her for other people more than once. I have only just come out so I feel a little insecure to be feeling so jealous - am I right to?
A lot of gay people are friends with their ex. I just feel that if I was her mate I would advise her that she is not over her ex. I have spoken to her about it and she tells me that she had an amazing time when she was with her ex but they were meant only to be mates and she is her best mate and as they have been through so much together she would like her to always be in her life. I know other people who she has dated have accused her of the same and even the ex in question has once asked her if she is over her.
Am I the safe option? If this ex is always going to be around do you think I should be with someone who appreciates me for me? My girlfriend says that if she wasn’t over her ex she wouldn’t be with me or would have kept me away from her. I just don’t know if her feelings for her ex ever changed even when things didn’t work out, how do you love someone so much and then just think of them as a mate. If it was just a normal ex I may not feel as bad but listening to my girlfriend this ex was the love of her life.
Please help.
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Oh god. That sucks much! I’m not sure what to say, It rightfuly sounds like she isn’t over her ex. Talks about Her all the time then she probably thinks of her often. She does love you though, but loves her ex too. It is hard to get over someone you had amazing experiences with and loved very much and being best mates (as you call it) doesn’t make anything better, but it is good to be best friends but not too close.
Do you trust Her enough to know that she truly loves you more? She is right, she wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t love you. You’ve talked to her about it right? If you’re still unsure, Talk more into it but don’t get her annoyed and stuff about it, keep it cool, you can wait and see, give it time (even though it’s been a year but, it does take time).
She does appreciate you, a lot I guess. I think she just needs some one to vent out to that she trusts and knows understands without getting mad or what not. That’s a good thing with that, so give her time and see what happens, if you think Her and her ex’s friendship is growing into something better then end it, you don’t need the hurt and heart break. What specifically happened that made her and her ex break off? just wondering.
Loves, Ro
Dear Ro, thanks for your comments. I think the ex left her for other g.f’s each time and didnt show her much respect. I have talked to my g.f about this and somedays I deal with it better than others. My g.f tells me they are just mates but I have never heard anyone talk about a mate the way she does with her etc. I guess I will just give it some time but i hope I am not wasting my time if you know what I mean. I do know my g.f loves me but i cant continue with these feelings I have. Rach
Welcome.
And you’re right. Well, you should beleive her and trust her cuz, she probably thinks you don’t, but you guys talked about it so she knows how you feel about it, so she should take at least some acknowledgement of it by doing something about it so you’re not as worried or insecure. And her ex doesn’t sound like some one to rely on and trust her that much with if she went for other girls while with your girl back then. I’m not sure, maybe her ex changed and really does want to be just friends. It really depends on what goes on when they’re together or what they talk about (don’t stalk them though!!) just saying. Like, do you like her ex? Hang with them sometimes and take secret notes of what they do, but don’t overdo it. Idk, don’t want you to go insane over there with her and her ex, no one would want that. sorry lol I’ll stop now.
Loves, Ro
Thanks Ro, I must admit she has stopped seeing her ex as much. When she does see her I leave her to it as I mind it too hard to be with them together. I think I am just going to have to give this some time. Thanks loads for your advice x x Rach
Hi there Rachel78. I can actually relate to where you are. During the first year with my girlfriend, she was totally NOT OVER her ex(es). She misses their good times, wanting to see them “as soon as possible”, which is kinda odd. She even gives excuses that “they still had friendship left from before” and all other excuses that she could find. And I stayed silent until I got to the point that it was too much for me to have them sending sweet-nothings from basically everywhere.. Friendster comments.. Mobile messages.. over the phone talks.. that I never got myself.
Hell, yeah! She called me a jealous-type of girl, but who wouldn’t when she’s all over her ex(es). And she was my first official girlfriend.
I got over the situation by loving myself over her. I had to make a way to learn that, which is hard for me of course, but girl.. I had to.
I gave her enough time to think about who to stay with, and she’s still with me, luckily. I love her, and we’re at 1yr and 8months.
I’m here for you girl. Rock On!
My comment is both for Pernickety and Rachel78:
I think you both are going the right thing. I agree totally with Pernickety - it is important to have the time to get over your ex, but if you are still living in the past you are doing neither yourself or your present lover any justice. I wouldn’t call either of your feelings jealousy at all and think that the problem is basically with the girlfriend and her denial of her feelings - not being able to appreciate the present and not willing to accept the past, learn from it and move on. Even if they do have feelings for their exes, it is vitally important to make sure the person in your life - the one who is going through the good and bad times with you by your side - is the one in the limelight. Everyone should require that from their partner, and feelings of jealously should rightfully be distinguished from requiring respect and open communication. Denial leads to deceit and people getting hurt.
It seems Rachel from your last post that your girlfriend is making steps in the right direction, so I hope it works out between you both. Good luck with everything, and if it gets to the point where you are losing too much self-esteem and energy over it, don’t be afraid to jump the boat.