Very Confused
Hi,
I’m 20 years old, and have been questioning my sexuality for about 5 months. I think I’m either straight (but a little confused) or bisexual with a preference for women or perhaps a lesbian.
I don’t seem to fit in with most of the coming out/questioning processes of other lesbians. They tend to say either they’ve always known they were gay, and had crushes on girls since primary school (or very young). Or they’ve suddenly met someone/suddenly realised, and looked back over their lives and realised they never really liked men they were just kidding themselves.
Well I used to only fancy guys. Not many, I went to a girls school and didn’t have friends outside of school, so I didn’t really fancy anyone until I turned 16 and went to college. Then I had two proper crushes, as-in I got tingles in my stomach whenever I saw them, and tongue tied etc. I’m quite shy when it comes to relationships and I didn’t do anything, and neither of them were interested in me.
However recently I’ve found myself attracted to women, on TV, in films, in the street. But I’ve been at home over summer and I haven’t met anyone new, so it’s all very much based on appearance not personality, and I don’t really develop crushes until I get to know a person, so I don’t think I’ll have any concrete answers until I return to Uni, and join the LGBT society etc and I will get to know more people and eventually develop a crush on someone, or else get a crush on a guy in class and that will all get cleared up.
I could probably look back over my past crushes and say I tend to shoot myself in the foot with them, in that I tend to go for guys who are either taken or completely not interested, I rarely fancy guys who are interested in me…is this my subconscious telling me something or am I reading too much into it? The other thing is I do get this kind of hero-worship thing with girls in my classes, I look up to them, and want to be their friend, I respect them, but I’ve never been attracted to a girl, never had a crush or tingles in my stomach and all that.
I would have said I can’t imagine getting a feeling that strong for a girl, emotionally, (since sexually and aesthetically I already am attracted to girls). But recently I met someone who, whenever I get eye contact this tiny shock goes through me, like I’m nervous or on edge. However I’ve gone and shot myself in the foot again here since she’s also in a (committed) relationship, and probably not interested in me.
I act differently around men, I get nervous and shy or I kind of over-act. This is mostly around men I find good looking or am attracted to. But I have always felt comfortable around women, even ones I find good looking, I might suddenly feel aware if I catch her eye, but on the whole I’m at ease. Is this because I don’t see women as potential partners, or because I’m used to women due to my formative years being spent in a girl’s school, or can you be a lesbian and be relaxed around women?
Sorry that became a bit of a ramble I suppose my questions are:
1. Are there lesbians out there who don’t feel they were ‘born gay’ but became gay, just like another part of growing up, (like first kissing was yucky, but then it was OK but sex was yucky, then sex was OK but sex with girls was yucky, then that was OK too!)
2. Can bisexuals be attracted to women but be comfortable with them, as well as attracted to men but not comfortable in their society, I mean is the comfort unrelated to attraction, simply a matter of, say, friendship, or familiarity?
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my long ramble!
This (lesbian) question was sent to us by e-mail, if you have any questions but feel uncomfortable with posting them yourself feel free to e-mail: ask@thelesbianquestion.com.
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You are right, there are people who knew they were gay at a very young age, and there are some who realized they were gay later in life and in hindsight, realized they were gay all along. Yet there are others who identify as straight but suddenly falls in love with a woman (and perhaps only to that one woman in their lifetime); and the same is true for a lesbian who falls in love with a man. I don’t think there is one set of formula that explains all this… human beings after all are complex creatures, so it’s not as simple as reducing ourselves into some preconceived idea of who and how we should be.
For question #2, it is possible. I mean, people fall in love with their best friends all the time. Yes, I do believe society does play a role in this. In the late 19th century, “boston marriages” existed, which is supposedly seen as a platonic and committed relationship between two women. In a sense, it was deemed acceptable in their society at the time, even though some boston marriages were probably more than just romantic friendships.
Today, we are more visible, yet still somewhat living in a patriarchal society. When I came out to my sister, she fully supported me and even admitted that she went out on a date with a woman before. However, she could never imagine herself living with a woman and instead wanted the perfect text-book family: the successful husband, 1.5 kids, and the white picket fence. Well, she got that; minus the kids (she got married last year). Maybe if we were to reinvent and redefine what it means to be a family, and it is fully acceptable in society, then perhaps her life would turn out differently. Who knows?
Anyway, I don’t want to get off topic. But thank you for posting your questions. I am hoping it will open up further discussion as I am interested in hearing other answers as well
I can answer your first question with a resounding yes. I feel like that’s what happened to me. I had a serious boyfriend and considered myself straight. I don’t think I was living in denial; I really was straight. Then I became gay. It has just felt like a natural progression. I think that, like anything else, sometimes preferences just change over time.
I always just look at it this way: it doesn’t matter how you came to it or what you call it. Just go with whatever feels right to you without worrying if it’s the ‘right’ way.
I think some lesbians who say they were attracted from an early age to girls are really looking back over their life in a hindsight (like the first commenter said) and realized oh wait… now all that makes sense.
Take me for example. I did sleep with my bf when I was 15 (we didn’t go all the way though - too innocent), but that opened my eyes. Then all the “hero worship” I had on women became clear and I realize they were really crushes.
When I looked back on it - those crushes went clear back to the 3rd grade. lol
It wasn’t until after I was 15 and had that first time with my BF that woke me up. Made me take a look at my life and it was then that I realized that all the close GF’s I had… the lack of wanting a BF. Sure I had boy crushes, but like you - I always did something so it wouldn’t go anywhere.
I slept with an awful lot of boys too once I hit puberty. lol I was trying to feel what I heard all my GF’s talking about. It just wasn’t there. It wasn’t until that first kiss from my BF that I realized what I had been missing all those years.
So be patient….the answer will come on it’s own. It’s not something you push into existence. It’s either there or it’s not. Love is something you just fall into.
It will happen sooner or later and when it does - you will know…
TC
Wow. All I can say is that I just turned 21 and I find myself in much of the same position. I have really only been thinking about the fact that I may be a lesbian for the past 4 or so months, even though there have been times in my life, when I was younger, that the thought passed by. I never really spent much time thinking about it though. I also have much of the same issues with how I feel around guys and girls. I guess I can’t really help you much with advice, but if it helps, it seems that we are going through much of the same process. I’m not really sure how this site works for one-on-one, but if you ever just want to talk, we can always use e-mail. At least then we can be sure the other person can relate to what is going on. If you want to, just let me know. Good luck with figuring things out.
hi
i can see your confused i am 20 years old too i meet my partner when i was 19 and we got together. i know i had feelings for her but wasnt sure if i was getting friendship mixed up with my feelings. once she told me how she felt about me i was confused and thought about it and thought only way i find out is to act on it. am glad i did cause she is what i want and i cant see me going back to men i feel the same too i find me attractive but not sexually i am uncomfortable around me but not with women . just listen to your heart it knows what wants and it is right. i have been in my relationship for over a year and its strong i listened to my heart and am glad. hope this kind off helps.