Comments on: Not Enough Sex

By: zan

zan — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:46:26 +0000

I had the same problem before.. I was burned out.. and I did end up cheating on her.. try seducing her.. or something.. you could also try talking to her about it..

By: JT

JT — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 06:24:07 +0000

From what I understand (both from hearing about it and living it), it is totally normal for two people in a relationship to have different sex drives. If you’re together long enough, you may even switch, and your girlfriend will be a big horndog while you aren’t too into it. The important part is to not lose the intimacy or the sexuality in your relationship. When my girl and I have gone through this sort of thing, it has helped us a LOT to pay special attention to flirting with each other, going out on dates, and making out a LOT. If this doesn’t increase the frequency of sex, it will at least make you feel loved and wanted and like she’s totally into you still. From there, see if she’d be willing to work out a little agreement: If you want sex twice a day and she wants it once every other month, see if she’d be willing to… let’s say, kiss and touch you while you pleasure yourself a few times a week. You won’t become a mass murderer because your needs aren’t being met, and maybe she’ll be inspired and want sex more often. A lot of people see taking care of their own needs (either alone or with assistance or both) as some kind of failure or something they should be ashamed of, but it’s just an easy and fun way to bridge the gap between your sex drives.

By: polka

polka — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 03:55:39 +0000

Hello,
I just saw your post and although this is a bit late, perhaps it may help.
I wanted to comment because I was in a very similar situation with my ex boyfriend (which may or may not make a big difference because he is a guy) but I was in your girlfriend’s position. Same story as yours: about 2.5 years together, sex was great at first then drastically died on my part and created a lot of tension. I can’t speak for your girl but it certainly upset me a lot. Not only because our sex drives weren’t compatible and so made things very awkward and frustrating but I also began to feel really guilty for not putting out as often as he wanted, which eventually made me inadvertenly resentful of him – thus leading to more problems.
You probably can’t help feeling insecure but I doubt it has anything to do with your abilities. It’s possible that she just naturally has a low sex drive but in my case, I also had a lot of underlying issues. Perhaps she does too? Have you guys talked about what else could be stifling her? Maybe she is more timid on the subject and not as comfortable?
Therapy might help but like you said, it could also call too much attention to one thing (or it can drag a lot of other issues out). But perhaps it’s worth a try – what does she think? Also, you guys seem to have good communication, would you ever think of having an open relationship for a bit? If neither of you are very jealous I think it could help take the burden off a bit (although you would have to be completely honest with each other). You would be less sexually frustrated and she wouldn’t feel as pressured (and even if you don’t bring it up at all now, it’s highly possible that it still lingers in her mind too). Btw, do you guys live together or see each other daily? If so, I think that might be a big part of it too (like the problem of so many married couples).
I agree that sex isn’t the most important thing but it is a big big part of a relationship. Not so much because you are satisfying each other, but because it brings a totally different kind of closeness and open-ness that is very meaningful. And if it isn’t resolved it will (almost inevitably) lead to a lot of other problems. I also agree that lack of it may stem from other factors, which doesn’t necessarily mean she’s tired of or unhappy with you but perhaps something is missing.
Well I’m not sure if this was helpful (certainly was long though!). I’m still confused with myself and my relationship. : ( I’m sure there’s an answer out there somewhere!

By: Sophie

Sophie — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:43:01 +0000

Who is the “guy” in our relationship? What do you mean by that? I thought the whole idea about being with someone of the same gender was not having to carry out traditional roleplays… At least that is what I tell all heterosexuals who keep asking me this question.
If you want to know who is the lazy bastard when in comes to householding tasks, it is me. If you want to know who is mostly in control, well, I think I am the guy. I try to be in control, but in the end I always give in. She doesn’t seem to be, but in the end she is. Typically female, right?
If you want to know who is into sports and technical stuff, it is her. The one not caring about clothes and make-up, it’s her. So I honestly don’t know which one of us should be called the guy.

By: brent

brent — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 07:59:08 +0000

well, honestly, i think everybody is into sex, maybe your partner is so busy that she forgets about it or her time is really not that enough..if you dont mind, who is the “guy” in your relationship?