I Don’t Know How To Handle This
I’m looking for some advice. I was married for 10 years, divorced. My best friend of 21 years and became involved after my divorce. We have been together as lovers for 13 years. We never came out as I was not ready nor was she. To her family I am like the other sister, daughter, mother to her kids and grandma to her grandkids… as I never had any of my own. I knew something wasn’t right… I kept asking her and she would not tell me… finally my worst nightmare came true… she finally admitted she had been with someone else.
This other person is in the same circle of friends and I know her very well… it is very complicated. I don’t even want to see the other girl as it is easier to be angry with her than my girlfriend. My girlfriend said she can’t stand the thought of me not being a part of her life, she wants to still be my best friend. She is so sorry she hurt me etc. Obviously somewhere along the line I did not meet her needs and she got them met from someone else. She said she loves me which I do believe but not in the same way. I am having a very difficult time with everything in my life points to her. I can’t imagine not being involved with her and her family but I don’t think I can draw a line in the sand so to speak. I thought we would be together forever.
There is no one I can talk to about this within our circle of friends they all know we were a couple. I am just not sure I separate my feelings. I really don’t want to lose her as a friend either but it is very difficult to separate my feelings as I do still love her and want to be with her. Oh I did not mention we work together also… yikes… any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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hug
Feeling alone in all of this has to be tough. If you two both want to be together I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that you can still be together. With that being said, you have obviously been hurt in a way in which is irrepairable if you don’t want it to be repaired or if you don’t work to fix it. I think that you’re going to have to sit down and speak with her openly and candidly. That is the only way you can get anyone. I hate to say it, but you’re going to have to start from square one as far as trust, but that’s fair. You can overcome this, but you both will need to address and talk about what caused her to leave and go elsewhere to get her needs “taken care of.”
I hoped this helped.
I wasn’t quite clear as to whether or not you are staying together. If you do stay together, I would highly recommend couples counciling. It’s not impossible to get through this and come out with a better relationship than before, but it takes therapy.
I would also say, that your age you need to get the hell out of the closet. Like right now. It isn’t easy, and in the short term it may really suck. But mentally you will feel so much better when you can stop hiding. And emotionally you’ll be better off too. It will remove a great strain on your life and your relationship.
You can’t be ‘best friends’ with someone you still love. That’s too hard. I tried, once, but it only makes things more painful and confusing. If you’re breaking up, you have to really break up and stay out of contact for a while. Maybe, eventually, you will be able to become friends again, but it musn’t be your priority. Aren’t you totally angry with her for what she did? She lied to you and deceived you! If you ‘didn’t meet her needs’ she could have discussed that with you, instead of simply running to someone else. That’s too easy, and disrespectful.
I am really sorry to hear you can’t talk to anyone about this. Are you sure there is absolutely no one you can trust? Are all your friends going to drop you if you would come out? You need them, now. Try to come out to one person, at least. You need the support.