Omission of Truth

I too was very frightened to tell my best friend. When I did, she asked me why I didn’t tell her before. Not because she was angry or upset that I hadn’t been “honest”, but because she was sad that I had been dealing with this all by myself. I think that if your friends truly care, they will understand that this is/was a tough issue for you to take on, and they won’t hold anything against you for not saying something sooner. It’s not a guarantee, but I think that is how most friends would feel.

Oh yeah, and you are not a “jackass” for having trust issues. Everyone has them over something or another, its universal. Don’t feel bad about it, chica.

I do not think you have trust issues,i think its a big deal for you. Your friends maybe ok with the gay community but them knowing its closer to home is what your worrying about i think? If your friends are awesome then telling them should be ok,its if there narrowminded (which i dont think they are!) and think you fancy them coz your an out lesbian who fancies every female (like straight narrow-minded girls do) Your still you and nothing has changed no matter how long you hold it off or never tell them.

I am here to tell you..I am so envious….tell them…tell them all if your family is ok with it. Mine never would…. so live a lie. YOU would be so much happier…not having to hide it. I truly believe those people that are your friends will be there for you!!

I’m dealing with this right now, with the exception being that I’ll never be able to tell my family. Regarding friends, I know exactly how you’re feeling. Lies of omission. Eek.

So here’s the thing… Just this past Saturday, I finally pulled together the courage to tell one of my friends that the person I’ve been dating/fretting over is not in fact a guy (as she’d assumed; I never used gendered pronouns when talking about my relationship, but never corrected my friend’s use of masculine pronouns either), but a girl. I didn’t know how this particular friend would take it (she being only the third person — and, more importantly, the first straight person — to know), but I had a hunch that telling her might be less of a personal ordeal than telling anyone else in my close friend circle.

Well, long story short, I was right. As it turned out, she not only had an amazing backlog of stories to share with me (apparently, she had gone through her own crisis of sexuality), but was also tremendously supportive. Funnily enough, I later found out that Saturday was National Coming Out Day (I’m seriously out of the loop). Hah!

My advice (ie. this is what I’ll be doing for however long it takes): consider all your friends individually. Start with the ones you feel would be least likely to judge you (whether externally or internally). This might mean starting with someone you really like and really trust, but who isn’t your default confidante. The first person I told was actually a newer friend at the time, which seemed counter-intuitive for something so private. However, I actually felt more comfortable telling him because I could make it part of the natural bonding process at the beginning of our relationship. It also helped that he had gone through his own coming out process and therefore had a background for confidentiality and sensitivity.

It’s definitely easier to tell people who have heard fewer lies of omission from you, and this might be the best way to work up to telling your closest friends (hopefully each person you tell is trustworthy enough to refrain from running about with the news). It also helps your mental state if the people you initially tell inhabit very different (read: non-intersecting) portions of your life and won’t be likely to run into each other/talk amongst themselves.

I would definitely tell each friend separately and use what you know about them to inform your approach. How each friend might react to your status as a lesbian should be considered separately from how each one might react to years of omission. Most intelligent, caring, non-homophobic people will understand how difficult it is to come to terms with one’s sexuality within the space of one’s own head, not to mention in public. They won’t resent you or feel hurt, especially if you let them know that this is something you’ve carefully kept secret from the world at large (you haven’t posted it up on a billboard; they’re most definitely not the last to know!). Once you’ve told them, they might wish they had been there to support you earlier, but they certainly won’t withdraw support in the present or future (they’ll probably even feel honored to be trusted with something so important to you!)

If you think some of your friends might react negatively to homosexuality (I didn’t get this sense from your post, but there are always degrees of comfort when it comes to these things), you’ll need to consider a whole other set of variables. And yes, things might not be pretty. But you need to remember that the only people who are likely to be seriously angry/hurt upon hearing about your secret lesbian life are the ones who would have chosen *not* to befriend you on the basis of your homosexuality alone, had they known from the start. In this case, your lies of omission will seem like deliberate misleadings, designed to disguise your true (horrible) character and trick them into friendship with someone they would have steered clear of otherwise.

The upside? These are not people you need in your life anyhow.

If your friends are truly accepting of homosexuality, they won’t conceive of you as fake or somehow not-you when you tell them. They’ll understand that it’s not a choice; that your sexuality is a natural part of who you are and that you were hiding it out of fear/confusion, not out of some devious desire to betray or manipulate them. Coming out can be really, really hard (in most cases, it seems to be more difficult than not). If your friends are as great as you think they are, they’ll be proud of you for having the courage to do what you’re doing and thrilled to be a valued part of the process.

Hope that helps! I’ll be going through the same thing over the next few weeks/months/rest of my life, so at the very least… you’re not alone. Good luck!

if your friends are as you say they are, then they would know how difficult it is for you to muster enough courage to tell them the whole truth about yourself. it’s hard enough to muster enough courage to accept the whole truth about yourself, how much more to involve other people.