Disoriented
Early this year I came to the realization that I may not be straight. It was surprising and confusing to think about at first, and stressful because it would make everything more complicated. But the more I considered it, the more it fit. When I look back at my life so far with the perspective that I could be gay, lots of things make more sense. My lack of interest in guys when my female friends started to show it, who I pay attention to in movies/tv shows, the way I “looked up to” certain girls throughout middle and high school, the fact that I’ve had no real desire to date (guys, since that was the only option I considered) and haven’t really felt attracted to the guys I have dated, which I always attribute to us not being compatible. And I have a couple of close friendships from which I’m pretty sure I feel more than a sense of companionship.
I’ve never even kissed a girl, but I’d kind of really like to.
The problem is, I’m ready/need to tell someone. Not come out exactly, but just share what I’m feeling. This would be the first time I’m doing anything remotely close to that. I don’t have any close, openly gay friends, which is too bad because I don’t feel like talking about it with my straight friends yet. I’d like to get more of an idea of “who” I am first (I know, labels aren’t necessary or necessarily a good thing, but I want to… test my theory before making a huge, potentially life-changing deal out of it).
Anyway, I’m not quite sure what I’m hoping to get out of this post, but in the very least it will make it more real for me, so thanks for reading!
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wow!! thats the exact realization i just made! isnt it crazy how your whole life you thought you were something and all of a sudden you realize that what you thought you wanted just simply does not feel right. For me the hardest part has been having a plan getting married having “traditional” family and now realizing that my plan just got a little more complicated. i totally understand about wishing you had gay friends or someone else you can talk to. i told some of my straight friends and theyre totally cool with it but it would be nice to have some gay friends to share things with. yeah i totally get you!
i also have the same idea with you about sharing my feelings with some other gays. you know, i’ve told my straight friend about myself and she avoid talking with me. that made me really sad. anyway, i’m very glad to read your writing because i know that somewhere in this world there are also some people like me.
I too had the same realisation recently. I am married to a man – happily. We’ve been together for all of our adult lives & I love him dearly & we are compatible in every way. I totally honour our commitment to eachother but recently I’ve come to realise that I feel more for my friend who is a lesbian than just friendship.I think these feelings could be mutual. I could never tell her & what would be the point bcos I cannot pursue it. It would only hurt our frienship & I dont want to lose that. I recently confided in another friend about these feelings Ive been having, hoping that, bcos she is gay, she would a good person to talk to. She then confessed she is in love me & always has been. Now I feel Ive created this triangle which I had no intention of being a part of.
Ive now decided to distance myself from both of my friends for a little while and refocus my attention on my best friend, who just happens to be a man & is my husband. Ive never kissed a girl before & I think about kissing my friend all the time but I know that I have to sacrifice these feelings in order not to jeopordise what I already have. I dont know if that helped you any.
I felt like that tooo recently!The problem is, Ive got a boyfriend. I’m in the midst of exams and havn’t met him in a long time, but when i saw him yesterday in school, I was not excited at all. In fact I was telling myself how much i didn want to see him then. What am I supposed to do? He’s a nice guy, I dont know how to break up with him. I’m not sure if I’m ready to take this path.