In Love with my Straight Friend

I’ve been out for 22 years. I have a very dear heterosexual woman friend who I have a very strong chemistry with. We worked together until recently and I came out to her as we got to know each other. She was fine with it and claims she didn’t know I was. I am 45. She is 36. I have been in long term relationships with women. Her longest relationship with a man has only lasted about 3 months and she lives at home with her Mother. She is a very intelligent, attractive and wonderful person. We have become very intimate as far as our friendship and details go about our lives.

It all started when after 5:00 pm when everyone was going home, she and I would start talking about music, movies, just about anything. There were numerous occasions on which we found ourselves alone in the office talking until 9:00 pm at night! There have been nights that the chemistry I felt was so strong and when we got into deep conversations, she’d look at me so intensely that I had to look away… and here I am, the older, OUT, lesbian!!!! LOL. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a person. She is funny, smart, talented, beautiful, sexy, has values and we have a lot in common.

I guess what first clued me in that there might be a flirtation going on was that she would always make sure I was within earshot when she was talking to our other friends, I could see her looking at me and she would always try to bring me in on the conversation. One time, we were talking about religion and I kiddingly said “We could start our own religion – I could be the God”, to which she replied “Only if I can be the Goddess”. This was just a joke between friends, but why would a straight woman say that to a gay woman? She admits that she has found some women attractive but that if she were to have been with a woman, she thinks she would have been with one by now. She also said that she doesn’t know what she’d get out of a relationship with a woman. When we are alone together, having coffee or dinner, her pupils dilate when she looks at me, and it’s like we’re on a date – I pay, I hold the door open for her, etc. She has mentioned a few guys she’s interested in but these men are unavailable. She admits to me freely that she has a deep fear of intimacy. I once kiddingly said that “I wished she were either a lesbian or I was a straight man, because we’d be so perfect together”. She laughed knowingly. Even other people have noticed we have a certain “chemistry” together and have made joking comments that we’d be perfect together…

We went out for coffee one night which turned into dinner (she asked me). We watched a straight couple kissing and both sighed and laughed, knowing we both want that romance and courtship. I almost wanted to tell her there and then that I am in love with her and want to give “us” a chance. When we hugged goodnight, she held onto me a little tighter and longer than usual, walked to her car, and then came back to me close. Looking back, I wonder if she wanted me to kiss her. When we are with a group of friends, she looks at me, touches me and is generally always in close proximity wanting me to sit near her, etc. We went out for dinner with some friends last week. I was the only “gay” person there and only she knows I am gay. She sat beside me and kept leaning over to get chips, and our chests kept touching. The third time I looked at her and we both smiled. I said to her, joking “The next time you do that, you better ask me to marry you”. She replied, looking at me seductively, “I’m going to kiss you next time”. Then blurted it out to everyone at the table. No one listened except she and I lol.

She constantly tells me how awesome and sweet I am, and now that I am no longer working for the same company, it’s hard to not see her everyday. I want to call her and be with her but I don’t want to seem desperate. She is “different” when she’s alone with me. She is much more intimate and I think feels safe with me. I know she’s scared of relationships and again, she claims she likes men and is hetero, but why do I get the feeling there is something more between us than a close friendship? When we were friends before dinner, a woman was selling roses and she looked at me, I think wondering if I was going to buy her one, however there was a married couple who are friends of ours who do not know about me and I decided it would not be cool to do that in front of them.

She MUST know I am attracted to her and that I am semi-courting her. Paying for dinner, asking her out with or without other friends, and just always looking for reasons to be with her. Perhaps she really is straight but how do I know for sure if she feels something stronger than friendship for me. I know I am in love with her, however would never cross that boundary out of love and respect for her, unless she too felt the same. I care too much for her to scare her off and ruin our friendship, but my heart actually hurts when I hear her talk about guys… which is not often, Thank God! lol. And again the Guys she talks about are not available.
It also seems that our conversations revolve around sex a lot. We were alone once and she told me that if started kissing someone, she doesn’t know if she could stop. Was that a hint?

I just don’t know what to do. I have NEVER felt this much for someone before and if the feeling is not mutual…how will I cope? Am I just “reading” into things or does some of what is written above sound like she’s curious and/or flirting? I know she’s insecure (and has no reason to be) and think maybe she knows intuitively, me flirting with her and “wanting” that she is safe there too…because I am a woman. Perhaps she is so afraid of intimacy that my courting her makes her feel wanted. But how do I know if she might be truly curious or have feelings for me as I do for her?

Would a straight woman say to a gay woman “I’m going to kiss you next time”? Even if she WERE only kidding? Any advice would be appreciated. This is tearing my heart out.

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