Collapsed (3rd update by so_tired)
Hi again, any of you who hasn’t read my previous posts about this matter you can find them here. In my last post I’ve said that I was doing better, stopped dreaming her at nights and not thinking about her most of the daytime, after about 9-10 very depressed months. And that was due to your help! As I said in my last post I managed to do it by following your advices, physical exercise and a visit to a psychologist.
It seemed that it was going better for a month, until a few days ago, when she called me. She asked me to go to a cafe with her (maybe with her husband too, the 3 of us), I said “don’t press yourself, it’s ok” but she insisted very much. The truth is that although I still love her very much, I’m afraid to see her again because I believe that this will hurt me again. I know that if she asks for it again and again I won’t be able to avoid it anymore. The worst part is that at this same call she called me “my darling”, she let many second to pass, I didn’t comment anything and then she said “oh, I said it accidentally because that’s how I call my husband”. Still I don’t know if she did it on purpose to see my reaction or if she truly did it accidentally. That was her 2nd call to me during the last month. The previous was some days before, I called her to wish about her father’s birthday but she didn’t answer and later the same day she called me after midnight and told me that she hadn’t heard the call. She wanted very much to talk to me so we talked for quite a long time. A friend of ours supposed that she called me after midnight because she might waited for her husband to sleep. I don’t know if she’s right.
I’m writing this to tell you that after one month of hard trying I realized that all my progress was nothing as it vanquished like smoke by just one call! I realized that I can’t bear down this. After that call, the one she called me “my darling” and the offer to go out with her again, I see clearly that either I don’t have the strength to let her go away of my mind or I’m too much in love with her. Either way, I can’t fight it. A single call made me collapse totally.
But it was worth trying and I thank all of you for your support. Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, totally collapsed, knowing that I can’t pass it over. I’m loosing my newly born hope. I feel that I failed and this try was my last chance to stand on my own feet again.
Sorry for betraying you, I’ve really tried but what else can I do when I see that a whole month of hard trying vanquished by a call which duration was just a few minutes. My pessimistic thoughts came back, stronger than ever. I’m starting again to have suicidal thoughts. The night after this call I was hitting myself, trying to tear my body and face with my nails.
I love her so much that I think I can’t go on in my life…
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
I know I’m repeating what others have told you, but it seemed worthwhile to say it again. I know what you’re going through–it’s so very, very hard, and old wounds (you said she married a year ago, right?) just don’t seem to heal. You have the power to make the change happen, though. You’re not responsible for her poor choices. You can only be responsible for yourself and you can break out of this cycle of pain and doubt and wanting someone you just can’t have. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. You need to cut off all contact with her–at least until you’re over it entirely, which probably means years. You’ll be able to begin to heal once you walk away from this. I know that the most exquisite pain comes from hearing from her, but it’s not doing you any favors. You need to continue to go to therapy, or, better yet, move to a new city and go to therapy there. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with you, but you’ve been through a lot and sound like you need some guidance to learn how to break free of this situation. It’s worth doing, though, and the sooner you stop torturing yourself by being in touch with her, the sooner you’ll begin to get better. You can do it!
Heartbreak can be quite cruel sometimes. Just when you think you’re making progress, a single hello, or worse yet, a “my darling,” can throw you back into a severe depression. Like I told you before, my best friend was depressed over his first heartbreak for years; I don’t want the same for you!
You need to get professional help, a true psychiatrist who can prescribe medication. Based on your old cutting habits, hitting yourself, and your suicidal thoughts, you will certainly be prescribed some type of antidepressant temporarily. It saved my best friend’s life. DO NOT be ashamed to ask for help/medication. Not only is that vital right now, having someone to talk to in person is imperative. You only read our words; you can’t see or hear us.
I don’t know how well off you are financially, but you need to find away to obtain new surroundings. Move across the country, change your phone number, and start your love life over. Talking to her is the WORST possible thing for you right now and it would be foolish of me to simply say ‘don’t answer her calls.’ If she can’t contact you, you’ll have the chance to clear your head and heal.
We’re here for you
when i read your posts I thought I could relate but im not sure which is why i didnt comment before, but now you can decide…
im not in love but i want to be, badly. i cant honestly think of a time i have been, it seems it is never going to happen, kind of a “if you dont use it you lose it” feeling. At first i didnt care because i am having trouble in all areas of my life and trying to become a responsible adult, im 21 and dead broke btw. at the same time i kind of wish i had something as wonderful as love as a solid foundation to build from, but i dont and not having a career, money, a place of my own/some independence from my parents, friends, or love really depresses me
to get through the day i distract myself with reading or tv or more commonly day dreaming funny scenarios. it may be because i am simple but the distractions work, until i try to sleep and all i can hear is the refrigerator hum, thats usually when the thought that there is no point slips in and i emotionally flashback to the pit i was in 3 yrs ago when it all started, i was almost clinically depressed, i wanted to sleep but couldnt or would sleep for most of the day and still feel tired, id feel angry at how sad or empty id get most days and sometimes i wanted to die sometimes i want somebody else to pay…
im not out of it, i dont know when i will be, i dont know if it will prevent me from being in love, i dont know if love will save me, and i think not knowing and my cowardice have kept me from suicide
still though i look forward to my happy little scenarios that get me through the day, for instance i imagine that you will read this and feel less alone maybe even better, that in some way i will have helped. is that vane and assumptive of me? i must admit i feel better writing this and thinking you will read it and relate.
who knows. right now i just move towards the things in my life i have some certainty of and it has brought me into contact with a some very appealing women, though i cant say im in love or that any of them know me from the 70 year old janitor. i have yet to change this but i will, i think, and if i fail i guess i will know i am at least capable of something more, more of what i dont know, my life is pretty vague right now…