In Need of Friendships/Support
Ok, I’m back again. I posted a few months ago “Worst Kept Secret.” As an update, things are probably the same if not worst. I chose to transfer to the all girls’ school. Though it was away from home, it was a ‘small world’, so my plans for some freedom failed; there are too many people that know members of my family. Coming out is just something I can’t do—I feel I have neither the ability (will) nor support (excluding this site). My family is all I have. I know they wouldn’t ‘disown’ me, but feeling a ‘disconnection’ would be too devastating.
I don’t want to come out. However, like one person posted on my previous blog, I will continue to be miserable with keeping this in. This has been my first stage of gaining some freedom—sharing with you all. Are there any online sources (networking places) anyone would advise? I really want to establish some friendships or relationships where I can be open with someone. I use writing as a source, but eventually the responses of my questions are truly answered. Any help would be great!
Comments
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
. About your experience i think...
Hi my dear,
I do want to help you, unfortunately, it is also similare to my issue. life is meanless to me now. I don’t know what to do.
Maybe you’re not really a lesbian. Ever think that might be the case? Don’t get me wrong. Being bent is great. But you seem so hesitant, so conflicted, so fearful.
What you need is a nice man to do your thinking and deciding for you…
http://tiny.cc/lesbian_screenplay
No offence JaneyRuth, but I looked at your comment and was like what the hell? That’s completely false. I know I’m a lesbian. I’ve consciously known since I was a child but have actually accepted it for only a few months now (ever since my last post). I know this not only emotionally but physically as well. Even if I wasn’t a lesbian, I don’t see how a guy would help me come to that truth—unless this wasn’t meant to be a real comment. I’m not aroused my men. I felt really shameful and offensive after reading the comment because I was like “who is she to tell me who I am” however I also felt like “who am I to be ashamed of this?” I can see why you’d think that—considering the hesitancy and fearfulness. It’s hard to explain why I can’t come out. I embrace the difference in my sexuality. Nonetheless, I figured many would identify with the family conflict. I didn’t biologically choose my sex. I didn’t choose my race. I didn’t choose my biological family. I didn’t choose my sexuality. Is that to say that if my sexuality were a choice I’d choose differently, no. However, in the personal state I’m in right now, coming-out wouldn’t be my best move. Though I can’t see myself ever coming-out right now, deep in my heart I know it’s something I’ll have to do for myself. It’s not fare to me if I can’t openly love ever aspect for myself. I don’t think it would be fare to my partner (it that ever happens). But right now, I absolutely cannot do it. Whether you can understand that or not I guess doesn’t really matter. I just can’t emphasize (what you said) the fearfulness—it’s overbearing. I figured this site would be helpful in figuring out what to do or how to meet other people until that time since it was so helpful before.
Hope
Please don’t feel that you are alone in this. I am right there with you. And going through the same thing. My mother and myself are known throughout our town and with the career path that I have taken(lets just say, don’t ask, don’t tell), I am not able to come out either. Yes, there are a handful very good friends that do know, but I can’t go put a big rainbow flag in my front yard and be out and proud. And like yourself, being in a relationship right now wouldn’t be fair to myself or my partner. If you want to talk, let me know.
Hi the doc,
I do wanna talk with u right now, how can i do?
anyway u can send me an email by: pich2009@yahoo.com
Thanks for your comment doc. I would like to talk. It would be very helpful
You can email me at devbark@gmail.com.
Hey Hope, I also disagree with Judy_Ruth. I think what you are going through is really normal. It is quite typical for one to be in a state of conscious realization of their orientation, yet are too afraid or too scared or whatever to let themselves be known as a lesbian. This latter hesitation is a separate issue from the orientation itself. I am not sure if Judy_Ruth just wrote her message wrong, but maybe what she meant is that if a nice guy comes along and you still don’t like him, then you have found your decision… but really you don’t need anyone to make that decision for you – and coming from experience, what you need is a nice GIRL to show you that there is absolutely no comparison between sex with guys and girls LOL (my own bias creeping into this post).
Anyway, what you need is a bit of back and forth for someone to talk to while you’re coming out. If you really need to chat or talk, this site is a great way to just rant/express feelings etc. You can email me if you like at citywalker at y7mail dot com and I will try to help you insofar as I can relate to being in the closet and knowing. Hang in there… there is bound to be a girl that bats for our team in that all girls’ school of yours!!!
Hi Hope and others. The first and main COMING OUT is to yourself. We have all had that fear of being rejected by our family. We can make new friends but can’t replace our family. But sometimes we have to make our accepting friends our family. It’s for situations such as yours that Prop 8 and other initiatives were passed. They want homosexuals to be afraid to come out and to not accept their true sexuality. Continue to be true to yourself and don’t let all the negatives sway you to pretend to be heterosexual because it will not make you feel any better. Give yourself time, get mentally stronger. You don’t really have to come out to anyone else. When you date a woman, nobody has to know that your relationship is more than friendship. And don’t feel like you are hiding because you don’t openly display your relationship. It’s nobody elses business.
That’s a really good point on family. I’m still working on that first point. Great, advice…thanks