Not Sure
So about a month ago, I started feeling some weird vibes from my girlfriend. I’m the first girl she’s been with and we have been together for over a year. Anyhow, I felt weird for a while (like I wasn’t really being appreciated and loved) and then discovered that my girlfriend wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a lesbian relationship. She said she was scared of the future and was thinking about guys. She said that she was “so happy with me that it made her nervous” because she wasn’t sure she wanted to be with a woman. We took a break for a few days and at the end of the time, she said that she had come to the conclusion that she wanted to be with me, so we got back together.
Last week I started feeling the same vibes that I did a month ago. When I confronted her (a few days ago as well as last night), she told me she loved me and asked me why I didn’t trust her more. I told her I didn’t think she was as attracted to me and she looked so upset and asked what else she could do to make me believe her – believe that she was still in love with me. She looked so sincere that I thought I must be crazy, so I forced myself to trust her and fell asleep in her arms.
This morning, I was trying to leave her a loving note on some scrap paper that was crumpled and left on her desk. I opened the paper and saw in her handwriting something to the effect of “I love her, but sometimes when we have sex, I’m not attracted to her. I know I’m not gay. I think I’m going to end up with a guy. I can’t believe this relationship has lasted a year and a half! If I told her she would be so upset. What do I do? I’m not gay! HELP ME!”
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t believe she had looked me in the eye the night before and told me she was just as attracted to me as the day we met and led me to believe I was insecure. I went home, called her up and told her we were broken up. Later, I got a phone message saying that the note was from a month ago and that she feels differently now, that we had worked through that obstacle. I’m still in love with her and want things to work out between us, but I’m not sure they can. I’ve lost so much trust in her. I can’t shake the feeling that she’s just too scared to see what life is like without me even though she’s not attracted to me. She hates the dark and doesn’t like sleeping alone. Or maybe she is just really homophobic and I should try to stick it out. My mind is so confused. What should I do?
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i’m not sure if this helps you but anyway… i think i have an idea what your girlfriend is feeling.
when i got together with my girlfriend, she was the first woman and the first person for who i had ever had such feelings (i was 18). we ended up being in a relationship and i was really happy and in love. but after a few months i started thinking about what i was now – gay or bisexual or what? i was raised in a way that i could never have imagined i could be gay so the whole thing was quite a shock for me. i figured i couldn’t really know if i could fall in love with a guy and all that since it just hadn’t happened yet…
these thoughts made me kind of nervous. it sounds weird now but i was afraid of identifying myself as gay when i just didn’t know if i was… i felt like our relationship was something that could last forever (that should have made me feel good and not nervous!). but i was afraid of that forever-thing because i just didn’t know if i was gay. i didn’t want her to love me so much if i didn’t know if i could do that. and well… i don’t want to tell you the whole story now but i know i hurt her very badly with my insecurity.
but that insecurity went away as i was feeling more and more comfortable in our relationship… and now we have been together for 3 years
i don’t know what that means for your situation though. maybe she just needs time to figure this out. i know it must be hard to do that to her if you love her so much. but maybe some time without you would help her to remember why she wants to be with you. or if she doesn’t. she might need some distance to think clearly about it??
i know this wasn’t helpful… but i hope everything is going to work out eventually!
h.
Your girlfriend is TERRIFIED to be alone. You are her rock. You’re stable, not going anywhere, a sure bet…and she knows that. I don’t know if she truly loves you or just craves the security you bring to the relationship.
She has personal issues with being gay. Even if that note was written a month ago (which I don’t really buy), there’s no way she can do a complete 180 and be totally comfortable in this lesbian relationship.
You want to be with her, so I don’t suggest giving up. This should serve as a fair warning IF things fall apart in the future. Don’t let these recent events break the trust you have for her; she’s going through a very difficult situation and it can be hard for her to talk to you. Get back together but encourage her to be honest. Tell her that she’ll hurt the relationship more by holding the truth in.
Good Luck
I’m so sorry that you found that note. I think that you are handling it very well though. Who did she write that too? That’s the first thing that I would want to know. Secondly is this something that she discusses with anyone often? I believe that she loves you, I just think that she’s questioning whether or not she wants to be in that relationship. If I have learned anything recently it has definitely been to trust my gut. If you’re having these feelings that something is questionable I would trust that feeling more than I would trust her. Or at least some of the things she’s saying. I don’t care what anyone says, those feelings and vibes are your reaction to something that she is putting off. If I were you I would just be preparing for it to happen again, because as shitty as it is it probably will. I’ve always tried to end things before they escalate too badly because obviously I care about that person and want to be able to see them and talk to them without having any resentment or bitter feelings. I don’t know advice to give you for your situation but I wish you the best of luck either way.
Wow.
Basically after I found that note, I spent all day wondering what to do and going over our relationship in my head. After talking to friends and family, I felt better, but still quite lost. In my desperation, I asked google what I should do and google brought me to the lesbianquestion. I could not have imagined that something as inanimate as the internet would bring me to a place so helpful and connected where I got responses like the ones I from honig, evolution, and DMC. Each comment has been extremely helpful and insightful.
After some time, I was able to talk to my girlfriend and we are back together. Honig, your story was essential for me to hear. I know that my own insecurities about my girlfriend not being able to love me have gotten in the way of our communication and relationship as a whole. Being supportive, open, and honest is key. Thanks so much.