I’m Curious About Her Feelings

Hi,

It’s my first time to write here. I always had a problem defining my sexuality. Although I’m still not sure who I am, I’m pretty sure that I’m at least a bisexual or bi-curious. I never had a relationship with girls though… but I’m always attracted to girls, and often had a bad crush on them. I just can’t have the same feeling toward men. I haven’t come out or something, and I dress somewhat girlish, but not too girlish…I’ve never told anyone about my feelings, except my sister. People would definitely think I’m straight. Some of my straight friends often told me that they wished I were a guy, so that they can date me…I think although they know me as a straight, (since I’ve never told them about my attraction to girls) they felt ‘this thing’… I see some girls are attracted to me even though they are straight…but I’ve never put anything into actions, because I, myself, was not sure about my feelings and sexuality, scared of what people would think of me, and just scared of a close relationship with the same sex. I just don’t know why it happens… I’m more confused when it happens.

Ok… so here’s my story… I just think it is my mere fantasy or something but I’m so curious, and really don’t know nothing about lesbian or bisexual things…so I need an advice

I’m taking Pilates class at school… there are about 30 girls in the class. And there is this instructor who is (I guess) around 24-25 years old, and she’s really attractive. You know… She’s been dancing for about 20 years and done Pilates for 5 years. No doubt that her body is sooo hot, but also she has a pretty face. She’s just so perfect… By her look, she’s apparently a straight girl. It is not that I have a crush on her… I just dreamed how perfect it would be to be with someone like her. During the class, we often had locked eyes… yes… I thought she was hot, and I guess my eyes were showing my affection toward her. She could have read my mind by looking at my eyes, and gone curious about what I was thinking. But it’s not that I’ve tried to show my silly feelings to her…it just came out naturally… when she tells a joke to the class and smiles…she was so beautiful… I was just awed… and had to smile looking at her. She was looking back at me several times, but there was nothing apparent that I could tell. Then on one day, when we were following her instruction, I was lying on my back with closed eyes, she stood up and walked around us (she did this to revise our postures). She walked to me and then… touched my shoulders really smoothly…it felt weird, cus I honestly think there was no reasons to do that. It was not revising my posture or something. All we had to do was a deep breathing. And after she did that, and we went to different exercises, she stared at me a couple or more times, like she’s trying check my reaction or something. I couldn’t look back at her straight, because I was nervous. But I’ve tried to act normal, tried to look cool… Well… although her action was a bit strange… again, I thought she had no other intention. I thought it’s just me who’s overreacting. ..But on the next class, we were doing the same as before… And we had locked eyes more often on that day. She didn’t walk around us much on that day, but gave instructions by doing exercising with us. Then, when the class was about over a half done, we were doing the exercise which we had to pose like a cat on the mat and stretch our one arm and opposite leg out. She suddenly stood up and walked to me. And she came to me and grabbed my waist with her hands, then started to slowly stroke from my lower back till shoulder with her fingers… It was more like stroking and massaging than trying to revise my posture. I’ve never seen her do this to other classmates, and I was so embarrassed. It felt really weird. Then after she did that, we went to other exercising. While doing the exercises, she stared at me with this really staring ‘I’ve got something’ eyes. This time, I didn’t want to avoid and wanted to check what she was thinking, so I looked back at her. We had locked eyes longer than ever. She didn’t avoid my eyes neither…..I’ve got confused… Was she trying to send some signs?

I’m so curious what she is thinking. Was she just curious about my feelings, too? And trying to check what it is? I don’t think she’s attracted to me or something for now… I mean will she be ever attracted to girls? Could she be a lipstick lesbian or at least a bi? I don’t know. Am I just dreaming? But I don’t even have a crush on her. Actually, I have a crush on someone else now… I just think she’s hot… I mean it would definitely be amazing to kiss her (it’s how I test myself, whether I’m into someone or not…) Well…this curiosity is driving me crazy…I have no one to talk about this…

Thanks for reading this. I would really appreciate your thoughts…

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