Forbidden Fruit
Hola Chicas!
I am a 19 probable lesbian, but I don’t really have experience to back up my feelings. That’s my first question. Do you think I need to just get out there and experiment before I commit emotionally to my suspicion that I’m gay, or do you think it’s possible to know just from thoughts and feelings?
The reason I ask this is because throughout most of high school, I was deeply concerned that I had not had one crush I could think of up until then. I even made bets with my friends who could sleep with someone first, and who the riskiest person would be to sleep with. Needless to say, I lost terribly. Thankfully. However, I did encounter a dilemma of my own. One of my teachers, who is a lesbian and has been in a committed relationship for 10+ years, became the object of my affection. She grew up in a family and culture similar to mine, and she always seemed rather familiar to me, but I couldn’t pin point why. I deduced that it is, what I assume to be, a crush. Well, I fell pretty hard. I knew the crush wouldn’t amount to anything, and I felt I wouldn’t do anything to sway that for many of my own ethical reasons, being that I was her student, she is in a relationship, and she’s 25 years older than me. Yet, I kept finding myself spending more and more time with her, and giving her gifts I didn’t think a lot of until days afterwards.
The fall of my senior year, I came out to her in a vague, non-committal way, through email. I wanted to be more straightforward, but I get embarrassed around her. Anyways, I received a couple of very subtle messages that, I think, she knew about my crush, but she was always sweet about it and understanding. I still talk to her quite often, and every time I see her I get that jump and quake in my stomach and all I want to do is be close to her, and put my arm around her.
So far, I have yet to have any significant female crush. I thought I liked a boy in my class, but I realized that when I looked at him, I saw the perfect fairytale scene, not an actual physical attraction or relationship, and the most comfortable scene I could see us in was a break up scene, where he’s sweet, breaking up with me, my head on his shoulder, and a thought goes through my head that he’d be a good boyfriend to have break up with you. That doesn’t really sound like a crush, does it?
Well, now I’m considering majoring in the same field as the teacher from high school, and I was wondering whether from this description anyone thought that I may just want to be her, instead of be with her? I guess I might just be holding out hope that I am not in fact hopelessly head over heels for someone completely uninterested and unattainable. And, if that’s the case, does anyone have any good remedies for getting over this? I really want to find a girl at school, but I live at home, so I’m afraid of a relationship when I’m not out to my family, and I don’t do a whole lot besides class, so I don’t quite where to find any lesbian single girls…
Any thought at all on my situation would be most appreciated! Thanks ladies!
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. About your experience i think...
I think that you can know without any experience and just thoughts and feelings. Straight people know they are straight without any experience and just thoughts and feelings.
That is true but I think you do need to experience to really find your true feelings to figure out if you are a lesbian, straight or bi. I know it’s hard to find single lesbian girls but when you do just be yourself and you’ll find the right one.
Good luck!
I, like you, grew up without having any real crushes and considering myself straight until I met a gorgeous girl at work. I then considered myself bisexual for the next 2 1/2 years until I actually had an experience with a girl at the age of 22. Everyone comes out differently. Lesbians are everywhere, so if you just open yourself up to it, I’m sure you’ll find someone! If your college has a gay-straight alliance, that’s a good place to start. Tell your mom you’re at the library studying until you figure everything out if that makes it easier!
I dont really have advice that I can give you but right now I am a high school senior and in the exact same position as you were/are, and obviously still somewhat questioning. Its just nice to know that there’s someone out there that can relate. That’s something that I think we’re all looking for to some extent.
Hey,
It can feel like a stone is sitting in your stomach when you have feelings for someone who can not (or will not) return them. It’s okay to feel that way. Think of the agony you experience now, and please know that when you find a girl who can and will return your feelings it will be lovely, lovely, lovely.
I do not think you have to experience a physical relationship with a woman to know you like women. I’m gay, too, and I haven’t had sex with a woman yet either. It’s possible.
Just hang in there. It’s a little cheesy, but sometimes it helps to think of the “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you” song. We experience lots of heartbreak before we find the person who we are meant for. You can make it- impossible crushes are the worst…yet they’re so darn good that it takes a long time to let go.
This may be a very different bit of advice for you. I’ve not read anything about what the Bible says in all these comments. Do you ladies BELIEVE in God? Do you believe the Bible? The Bible says that homosexuality is an ABOMINATION to God. If you care at all what God says, I’d be very careful when it comes to experimenting with homosexuality! From most of these comments, that’s all it would be to you: just an experiment to see what it would be like. Instead, why not go to the Bible, find out what it says and see what it would be like to be a Christian?
Thanks for the advice, all! It always feels great knowing just that other women know how you feel. I think I’ll definitely have to get more involved at school to find someone.
In response to MF, no I do not consider myself a Christian, though I personally do not believe that being a Christian and being a lesbian are somehow in opposition with each other. I also do not believe myself an abomination, no matter who I am or how I feel. If you do believe so, that’s your prerogative, but why are you on this site? Please leave this site for those who appreciate it and are looking to find solace or advice. We’re not looking to change anyone’s mind. This is personal, not political.