Somebody Please Tell Me What I Am!

Sounds like you’re a straight-curious lesbian to me. You are fully aware of your gayness, but there’s a part of you that is intrigued by the opposite sex. Don’t try and convince yourself that you’re bisexual just because you find some men attractive. I think men can be good looking as well, but you hit a key point: When I used to mess around with guys in my early college years, I got that wants-to-puke/disgusted-with-myself feeling afterwards too.

I wouldn’t succumb to your curiosity if it means losing your current relationship. It sounds like you two have faced some tough times and that you’re still together after a year means a lot. Continue to give this one your all.

If you ever find yourself single again, feel free to explore a bit. I am pretty confident you’ll find that sex with men doesn’t hold a candle to the lesbian version, but it will be good for you to know that.

Your fears about lesbian relationships being more complex with regard to future visions of society-approved marital bliss are completely justified. They’ll always be there in the back of your mind and there’s very little you can do to dispel them. What might make this easier is recognizing that your tendency to withdraw from men when they make declarations of love suggests you’re more predisposed toward longterm, intense love relationships with women. This is something you’ve clearly already figured out to a certain degree, but may not entirely be acknowledging to yourself on a regular basis.

I’m the exact same way and generally consider myself bisexual, regardless of the fact that I’ve only felt comfortable entering into longterm relationships with women. I think labels are more a disservice in cases like ours, but the way I’ve come to define bisexuality is in terms of potential willingness to pursue sexual and/or romantic relationships with members of either gender. For me, it has nothing to do with what I’ve done; it’s only a matter of what I would be potentially willing to do (I’m not repulsed by men; I’m open to the potential of dating men, but only if I’m not already involved, as would be the case with me dating anyone. I also acknowledge that I’m more often drawn toward, and more likely to commit to, women.)

All of this is, I think, separate from your fear of one day hurting the girl you’re in love with. Pretend for a moment that you’re a total lesbian. You hate male anatomy, have only ever dated women, and will only ever date women. You’re in love with a total lesbian. Are you scared you might one day leave her for another woman? Attraction is attraction and monogamy is monogamy. I think some portions of the lesbian community have a tendency to vilify bisexuals because some portions of the straight community are still so oppressive toward gays that the thought of a girl leaving her girlfriend for a guy seems like a particularly twisted betrayal. In truth, it’s no more twisted or tragic or unfair than the end of any relationship in favor of a new relationship (unless, of course, the leaving party has been dishonest in some way!).

(Quick note, which you should probably heed unless your current relationship is a stable, poly/open one: I wouldn’t try to make out with any more men; this is the sort of confused behavior that, while seeming like a good experiment at the time, has the potential to really, really screw up a good thing.)

From what you’ve said, it seems you and your girl have talked about your potential for attraction to assorted types of people and she knows about your bisexuality. She loves you. Don’t create a problem where there isn’t one (no matter how tempting it might be to venture down seemingly unsorted paths). Maybe you’ll break-up down the road, but that could be for any number of reasons. Maybe you really *will* want to raise children with a man. The only thing you’re responsible for is being true to yourself and being honest about your honest inclinations to the people who love you (and who are loved by you in return). Chances are, if you pursue the things that make you happy (and your pattern of attraction/commitment holds), you’ll find a way to have your ideal family with a girl at your side.

No one can promise forever. Your girl, no matter how much she loves you, should know that, and so should you. Take your love and don’t over-think it, okay? Don’t jeopardize a perfectly functional relationship by trying to figure out something that will likely always be a mystery.

Good luck!

wow, I am so happy to have found your post. I’m 22, and I just came out. I was attracted to guys, and now that I look back, I was attracted to girls – but always thought that’s how you were supposed to feel towards other girls. My friends and I were always super close and open about everything, and I love them all with every ounce of myself. I’ve hooked up with plenty of guys, but it always felt like the whole point was the chase. The game. The challenge. The harder or more taboo they were, the better. Then, out of the blue, I saw this lesbian girl, and there was no way I could hide or deny my attraction to her. Who I was before I met her confuses me, and I wonder how I never knew before her. But after being with her for a couple months I’ve fallen completely in love. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced, to be in a relationship with a woman (so many emotions!!!!), but it’s been worth it.

I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, and the confusion about guys, and thinking about all the “what ifs” after you find yourself in a relationship with another girl – you’re not the only one! I guess my advice (which is probably for me as much as it is for you, lol) is to go with your heart. The attraction, as I’m sure you well know, goes away almost instantly (the pukey feeling, perhaps). I always felt kind of wrong and guilty after hooking up with guys. I’m just still so amazed that other people have felt this way, too! And I think your post made me understand myself more.

I hope this helps! – T