Fallen For The Straight Girl…
I am a 40 something year old lesbian and have worked over the past year with a straight married woman. We have spent a lot of time together on a project at work, and on many weeks I’ve spent more time with her than my girlfriend. We get along really well, and we joke around and have fun when we are not in meetings. I have developed some strong feelings for her but I know there is no chance that these feelings can ever be acted on. She’s never made any suggestions to me that she has any reciprocal feelings for me; she’s married and she has a couple of children. I do not have any expectations for anything more than a friendship; however, as much as I try to tell myself it’s inappropriate and wrong (because I’m in a relationship), I can’t get her out of my mind.
I am seeking advice on whether I should tell her how I feel and risk that she will never talk to me again, or should I just enjoy the friendship and focus my energy on sorting out my long term relationship. Thanks in advance for your input.
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
I would choose option B. A lot of the advice given to people here at TLQ has a “Go for it!” tone, but I think your case is a true exception. She’s straight, she’s married, and she has kids. How she feels for you is irrelevant. I understand it can be hard to get her out of your head, but maybe that is where you need to evaluate your own relationship.
Maybe this is an opportunity for some excitement where that could be lacking in your current position. Maybe you’re subconsciously looking for an out. Who knows? It’s for you to sort out and not drag anyone (or anyone’s family) into.
Good Luck
Since you spend so much time together and get along, it’s not hard to see why you have “feelings” for your co-worker. And you seem to be having some trouble with your girlfriend. I agree with Evolution. Your co-worker has a family so unless you mean to break that up or offer her a chance to cheat, then keep the relationship as friends only or else stop spending so much time with her. I don’t interfer in other people’s relationships and I don’t want anyone interferring in mine. We can’t control who we develop “feelings” for but we can control our behavior.
Right now you are experiencing the chemical factor. The time your spending together is sending triggers to your brain. With the pleasure/reward center in charge of you, it is natural to want to test this new-found love so that you can insure that you will always feel the rush you feel with her. Problem is this feeling doesn’t last.
Remember when you first started dating your girlfriend and you couldn’t keep your hands off of her? Now things are like the normal long term relationship since the first rush has worn off.
Your system/body is looking for that rush again.
Talk to the girlfriend, tell her you need the rush WITH HER.
Keep your feelings to yourself and when you are thinking of her try to train yourself to stop and focus your mind on other things. I agree with all the other comments – this isn’t a good idea.
If you look at my new post of today you will find that I am in a situation not unlike yours. Far be it from me to give advice because I am working on setting healthy boundaries with my best friend. If I could have helped how I felt when I first fell for my friend, I would have turned that emotion off when I had the chance, and right away. The pain it will cause you is soul shaking. It’s hard to turn our feelings off. But that’s the way it is unfortunately. Good luck, and continue to talk about it here if you need. I’m behind you.