Okay… So I Have A Huge Headache…
This may be really confusing but ill try my best; I just need to get this out of my head… I’m in a relationship at the moment for 6 months. Before I met my current girlfriend I fell completely head over heels for another girl Jess, but she had to choose between me and her current girlfriend who was an old mate of mine, in the end she chose her girlfriend, which destroyed me. I then moved cities and found my current girlfriend, who just so happens to be Jess’s girlfriends cousin, lol I know it’s messed up. so any way me n my girlfriend were going through a really rough patch and I wasn’t happy because I felt like she was dragging me down with her moods, all of my friends had noticed it and that I had changed.
After being unhappy for around a month Jess got back in touch with me and told me how much of a mistake she made leaving me n that she had realised two weeks after losing contact with me how much she lost. We were talking for a few weeks and things had turned back to exactly how they were before I met my girlfriend, I was constantly thinking about jess and she would be the first person I would think about when I wake up. Anyway jess left her girlfriend and wanted me back, I said no I didn’t want to ruin my relationship, but my feelings grew and grew, things with my girlfriend were getting worse we were arguing more and more. So I ended it.
As soon as I ended it my girlfriend flipped out and was constantly emotionally blackmailing me to get back with her, saying she would kill herself… which she is capable of as she is manic depressive, along with her cousin. Her cousin found out that me and jess were talking again and also blackmailed me, saying that she needed jess she was part of her and couldn’t live without her and also threatened her life on me being with jess. There was no way I could win. I thought they would give up and forget about it if me and jess wasn’t so close for a while but it didn’t work.
I’ve now been forced back into the relationship with my girlfriend and I’m not happy and I feel horrible for Jess who does genuinely love me. My girlfriend forced me to stop talking to jess and her cousin made sure she caught me every time e.g. just a text to see how she was. So now my girlfriend checks my emails and phone and everything when I’m not around. I had texts from jess saying she missed me and needed me but I couldn’t reply. I flipped today and spoke to Jess and told her everything they had done so she said that she won’t tell either of them she spoke to me.
I jus feel trapped and controlled, and can’t handle it anymore, it’s like I want to be with my girlfriend because she’s happy and so is jess’ ex. But that leaves me unhappy and jess in pieces. I’m starting to think about jess more and more again but can’t even imagine going through the same thing I did when I left my girlfriend the first time because it destroyed me being blackmailed.
It’s like I’m a toy and everyone knows just what to do to get what they want, and control me. They know exactly what buttons to push to manipulate me into doing what they want. And right now it’s driving me mad…. On top of all of this I’ve had my best friend walk out on me because she says she loves me and cant handle being ‘just friends’ and seeing me hurt over other people.
I’m just lost and need some advice from some one who I know isn’t just saying it to manipulate me into their way of thinking, and to give me a good way out that wont end in me making anymore mess :/
I would really appreciate the advice girls please =]
x
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
Well what I would do is try to tell your girlfriend that you are unhappy, and that someone makes you way happier then her. The blackmailing you will get old, sooner or leter they won’t have anything against you like they do now.I know it’s hard, but deep breathe, the whole “I’ll kill myself if you don’t come back to me”, is and can be a fake, most women say that to get what they want in life. But you gotta look at it this way, you are loving this other women who complete’s you in so many way’s, and you can’t have that because of your girlfriend now. I know you can’t just up and leave, or call her.Sometime’s nothing like this is easy, you need to sit your girlfriend down,and explain to her that you don’t love her like you use too, and that you have someone waiting for you that does love, and cherish what she has in front of her. This girl Jess sounds WONDER, and you sound SO HAPPY when you talk about her in here. Honestly, all you can do is get over her,or tell your girlfriend now that you can’t be with her anymore, because your heart is loving someone else, and not her. Well that’s all my advice for you, I hope it helps in some kinda way.=]
It sounds absolutely insane to read what you wrote, but as crazy as it sounds, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. It’s not necessary to go into the roller-coaster ride of emotions I experienced with that ex, but I will tell you how much BETTER my life has been now that I have completely cut her out.
Before I stopped talking to her, I feared not answering her calls. My friends, my parents, everyone told me to get her out of my life. If I wasn’t available to talk, I would find 25 missed calls or a dozen text messages waiting for me, that being only after an hour. She threatened to kill herself. Before I moved a 1000 miles away, she threatened to kill my cats (we shared an apartment). Sounds crazy right?
When I moved away, she was still able to keep tabs on me. I would change my passwords for Facebook and certain e-mail accounts, but she would crack them by knowing more personal information, like my social security number. She would change my relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship.” I finally got the courage to start dating other girls about 6 months after my move. She threatened to tell the new girls we were still in a relationship! It took many months of my ignoring her for the calls and texts and e-mails to stop, but they eventually did.
There is a part of you that worries about your current girlfriend and won’t leave her because of it. Don’t let the caring side of you keep you in a relationship that’s dragging you down. I lost friends over my ex! I don’t want that for you. Don’t worry about her killing herself, she won’t. And even if she did, it wouldn’t be your fault.
Be with Jess. She makes you happy. Your purpose on this earth isn’t to protect your psycho-soon-to-be-ex’s mental state. She’ll be fine without you. Understand that leaving her is hard, even though you might really dislike her. Just do yourself that favor. You’ll thank yourself in the future.
If you are not happy, you need to get out of the relationship you are in right now. If your current girlfriend chooses to kill herself, that is not your problem. I know that it is tough, but you can’t surrender your own happiness to someone who is threatening you.
Sit her down and tell her that you are not going to let her make you unhappy any longer. Tell her that you care about her and don’t want her to kill herself but if that is the choice that she is willing to make, then you will miss her and wish her the best in her next life.
Both of my older sisters are manic depressive and have threatened suicide many times, so I understand how hard it is. I even lived with one of them for awhile and when I told her that I was moving out, she took just over 30 Tylenol 3′s. I felt so guilty for so long and let her control me for way longer than I should have. I ended up getting really depressed and started drinking…a whole lot…Then my best friend took me aside one day and told me exactly the same thing. She said, “she is not your responsibility. Let her know that you care about her but that you need to do what is healthy for you.” So thats what I did and you know what? She is doing just fine without me…and I am much happier as a result of doing that.
As for you and Jess, just take it one step at a time. Your first step is to get out of where you are now. After that, play it out as it goes. You will be fine. Just remember that you do not deserve to be treated like that and that you are worth so much more.
Yes, I definitely think you should take into consideration these comments. I wrote a post a few weeks back about my ex. I did tell her we needed to cut things off completely, and we DID…but a few days ago she sent a message saying how she’s been under severe depression and is taking pills and a number of other things. She told me there was no one else she could turn to. I think she’s suicidal, so I talked with her to see what was going on. I feel like I needed to stay in contact with her until she gets her life back on track. I told I’d be there for her, and once I said that, she talked as if everything was normal. She just sent a message asking how everything’s been going in my life. I feel like it’s a setup. Now that I’ve had some time to evaluate our relationship I realized how emotionally draining it was because there was always something negative going on with her. In my situation, I don’t know how to respond to her. I do think she’s at the edge, yet at the same time, I think it’s a trap.
Get out…don’t throw yourself in hell like that. This whole thing has been a cycle for me and we haven’t even known each other for a year. Just get away from her
A number of these comments focus on whether or not your current girlfriend is “faking” her threats of suicide. But I think that’s missing the point.
The point I’d make is: You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness but your own.
Not your girlfriend’s. Not her cousin’s. Not even Jess’s. That doesn’t mean you should be a jerk to any of them, but you are not in custody of their lives and emotions. You do, however, need to take control of your own. A couple of times you talk about being “forced” into different situations. But you were in control of your decisions then and you are in control now.
It looks like you’re starting to realize that sometimes, in trying not to hurt one person you care about, you’ll end up hurting someone else. You can’t make everyone happy in this situation. But despite everything, you might have a chance to be happy with Jess, if you can both get past your history with the crazy cousins without resentment towards each other. This means you have to walk away, now, from this manipulative girl whom you don’t love and who is making you miserable. Normally I might say to end things in a way that still allows you to be supportive to her, but given her behavior, I think the break-up needs to be quick and decisive. Cut off all contact, if necessary. You know she has at least one other person to turn to in her cousin — let them deal with this together, and go try to be happy with the one you really want.