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Five years ago I met the most amazing girl I’ve ever known. We became fast friends. About a year after knowing each other we became intimate. It was very strange for me at first, because I had never really been attracted to or been with another girl or even been with a guy for that matter, but I liked being with her. We dated for the next four years, but kept our relationship a complete secret. The secrecy of our relationship really weighed heavy on me. I started to feel paranoid that people were going to find out. I know that this is silly, but I am a very self conscious person and worry about what other people think, for some reason. Anyway, we pretty much stopped being intimate and I became very distant.
One night while I was in the middle of finishing 4 projects for my finals, she came to my house (drunk) and said that she was tired of playing games and wanted me to say whether or not we were over. I had been feeling for a while that we would break up because of all of the what-ifs (of not having ever been with anyone else and being scared of forever) and that I wasn’t sure how to make her happy anymore, although she tried so hard to make me happy. So we ended the relationship. I was so busy that I didn’t even process the fact that we were over. Over this really busy week she asked if I wanted her back a couple of times, and I said I wasn’t sure. Then when I was not busy I realized what a huge mistake I had made. I am IN LOVE with my ex.
I am extremely depressed with out her and I need her in my life. One of our huge problems was keeping us a secret. I have come to the point where I am willing to come out, because I realize that if people don’t like me for who I love, they aren’t worth my time, regardless of who they are. The only thing is that she is now in a new relationship. I am trying so hard to still be friends with her, but every time I think of her being with this new girl I want to puke, because I want her back so bad. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe that I did this, I’m the reason she’s gone, but I WANT her back. I NEED her, she is my all, my entire life, the reason I wake up in the morning, but he’s gone. I have told her that I want her back, but she says she’s not ready to do that yet. Does that mean that she might want me back eventually?
I’m just really scared that she’s falling in love with someone new. I mean she started having sex with this new girl after a week of us being broken up. Is it just a rebound for her, or is this a real relationship. How do I get her back? Please help me; I’m desperate to get the love of my life back.