Engaged To A Man, But I Think I’m A Lesbian…
Hello everyone,
I am 29. I’ve been with my fiancé now for 6 years. I do love him and he is really good to me. We have always been very close, and have an honest relationship. I say honest because I have told him everything I’m about to tell you. He has tried to be supportive because he loves me and wants to stay together. I think I do too a lot of the times, then other times I think about that other “side” of me.
Basically, I had a secret lesbian relationship in high school. It wasn’t just experimentation. I think for many years I tried to tell myself that it was just curiosity or whatever. But I know better…I was in love with her. But I hadn’t dated men up until that point, so I figured, well, maybe I just didn’t know what I was missing. Sound familiar to anyone? Well, she went off to college and I stayed home and went to school. I’ve always lived at home. So I never had that “college” experience that may have brought up those feelings for women again. Who knows…
But I turned to the internet, and started dating men. I’ve always felt I was more attracted to men. Even now I don’t “check out” women on the street or imagine myself sleeping with them. Although I guess I don’t do that with guys either. Maybe it’s just not part of my personality. So, maybe I’m bisexual? I don’t know.
My mom passed away when I was 23. And this all seems harder with her gone. Because she was the one person that I know would support me no matter what. And since she passed away, the one person I’ve really had to lean on is my fiancé. I don’t have many friends. He and I sort of isolated ourselves. Not really intentionally, but we enjoyed spending time together and didn’t really feel like we needed anybody else. So, I know I am extremely dependent on him. I know it sounds over-dramatic but I don’t know how to function without him.
I had crushes on both men and a couple women over the years, but always dated men. I just kind of brushed off the crushes on girls. They were on a friend or two and never amounted to anything. A year ago I met a new female friend and we became best friends right away. That’s a whole other story for another time. But she ended up having a serious personality disorder. I developed feelings for her. She claimed to feel the same way but was just telling me that to keep me around. A very manipulative and unhealthy individual. Anyway, it scared me having such strong feelings for her. And the fact that I couldn’t hold it in and had to tell her. I told my fiancé about it and we both kind of chalked it up to the fact that I needed a female figure in my life since my Mom was gone. I know, sounds strange, but we both rationalized it that way because I think neither one of us wants to face the possibility of me being gay.
So, I am now in therapy and I developed a crush on my female therapist. Big shocker, right? Now, I know that it’s common for that to happen. Her being in the helping role, trust and safety, and all that. I told her about it, and it’s cool. I find her attractive, but maybe that would have happened if she were a man too… who knows.
I guess I need advice from someone who can relate, someone who was in a relationship with a man when they realized they were gay. I am just so confused. I don’t know if I truly want to leave my fiancé, or if part of me is just bored with life and I need a change. I think of that saying, “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. Maybe I’m just bored with life and part of me has this unrealistic expectation that being with a woman will make things “perfect.”
Help! Sorry this was so long!
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
Hi,
I am in a similar situation. I was together with my bf for a few years but was always unhappy and didn’t know if it was him or me that was the reason for this.
I posted a post here and after the encouragement I received I finally dared to explore my women loving site, I have admitted to myself after that, that I am gay.
At the moment however I still ( a year after that) share a place with my now ex-bf, and I can say that there is definitely some kind of emotional dependency going on between us. I am not sure how to untangle this.
I left my home country to be with him and he ended up being my only person of reference for a long time. This kind of made me feel trapped. He didn’t understand me, but still was the person that I could relate to most, because of our history and his intelligence.
For me to recognise who I am was a long and pretty difficult process, because I am perfectly able to fall for a guy- I am emotionally and intellectually attracted to some men. But then I felt so incredibly lonely in this relationship, and I realised that I will feel that way as long as my partner is a man.
That relationship was incredibly confusing for me because I wanted to be close to him, but I was unable to: he related to me as a man and not as a woman would, but then because of the fact that I also became kind of isolated with him, he was the only person that I would feel close at all.
From what I read there is a lot of women out there who are gay but are still emotionally involved with their male partners, this is not really something that fits into the “trendy gay clubbing scene” image.
The only advice I can give you at the moment is take time to explore your feelings for women, and don’t rush into marriage. I don’t have much more to say, but I can definitely relate to your story.
take care.
I can relate because I am going through this now but I am already married. I am so glad you are in therapy. I agree with momentweaver, to take things slow. And definitely do not get married until you feel you have some resolution. I thought I had things resolved but I am coming to see I never really did. Now exploring and understanding this part of myself is coming with huge costs for a person I love and promised to be committed to. It sucks. I just really think — wait to get married — stick with your therapist, if she’s good — keep exploring — don’t get distracted or fobbed off but really stick with the question until you feel you have an answer. Best wishes to you.
I was in a similar situation too. I left my fiancee, a month after we got engaged because I realized the engagement was a big mistake the second he proposed. I was unhappy in the relationship and entirely unwilling to settle. It was easier for me because there was a woman who had become interested in me, despite my being straight and I found myself into her as well. She was everything I wished my fiancee was and thats also how I realized I shouldnt be getting married. It was the hardest, more heartbreaking experience I’ve had, breaking it off with him. What was important and key was having people to talk to and people who understood and supported me. You have to know who you are before you can commit yourself to anyone else. I went through that “phase” possibility too, but I believe that people have phases with the kind of ice cream they like or the clothes they wear, not their sexuality. My advice is to take the time to explore your sexuality, who you are and what you like and what is attractive for you. If you get married, those thoughts probably will not go away. Its better to be an ex-fiancee than an ex-wife and much easier to deal with it in the aftermath as well. best wishes for you.
Hey,
I can really relate to what you are feeling and I certainly found sharing my worries on this site really helpful at intervals over the last year or so. I had identified (to myself predominantly!) as bisexual really since I was around 18 but and then went on to have realtionships with mostly men. At 29 and in the relationship that was supposed to be ‘it’ last year I began to admit how it really just didn’t feel right for me. Especially since meeting a woman who I got really close to and is amazing (but nothing could, did or would happen between us…..)
Anyaway, I don’t know how you feel of course but…I felt kinda silly or embarrassed to feel that I’m gay in a straight relationship at 29. But, I’d tell myself now not to feel so bad!
In your post it sounds to me like…..well like you know what you want really and, I would just encourage you to listen to your own feelings and have the couarage to do what you know is gonna make you happy in the longer term.
Besides anything, you don’t sound happy in your current realtionship, more like trapped through a sense of some kind of emotional dependency and, that sounds like such a difficult, restrictive and unfulfiling position to be in. I would try to look at your current relationship without the filter of your confusion about your sexuality because, after all, it you aren’t happy where you are then straight/gay relationship……you’re gonna need to change it…..then maybe you’ll be in a better place to figure out how you feel re the sexuality.
I think it is superb that you are in therapy and this shows guts in itself so, although you say you feel like you don’t know how to function without your partner, you could surprise yourself right? And, perhaps there are ‘half way stages’ to help you untangle yourself emotionally rather than one big either/or bang…..I dunno.
Best of luck with it all though, like I say I admire that you are taking the time to be honest and deal with it, this is the best anyone can do right? And certainly, you are not alone when it comes to being in a staight relationship and realising you are gay! take care
Thank you everyone for your advice and comments. It’s really good to know that there are others out there with similar stories. I think that is what I need at this point. Just to know I’m not crazy. And that even though my feelings are sort of jumbled, that I’m still a “normal” person. Everything is not black and white all the time. I am understanding that better now. I guess I’m the type of person who wants to be straight, or gay, nothing in between. But I’m learning it’s not that simple. Thank you again…the support and understanding makes a world of difference. Feeling so alone is the worst feeling and posting here definitely helps alleviate those feelings!
This post is a huge relief. I just ended (in the past year) my 4 year marriage because I finally came out as a Lesbian at the age of 29. I’d had tons of queer friends and was always a strong ally but somehow had missed the boat in terms of my own sexuality until recently. Most days I still don’t know if I’m actually a Lesbian or Bi, and I think that for me only time will tell how I decide to answer it. What I do know is that I have feelings for my partner (f) that I have never had for any man I’ve been in a relationship with. I married my ex-husband because he was my very best friend, and I’m lucky that he still is. We both realized that we needed and wanted something more that we couldn’t give to each other. It’s been a very hard road though and I wouldn’t suggest marriage if you aren’t %100 sure of your sexuality. Best wishes!
I can totally relate to your post. I’m 32 and just got engaged. I’m always been straight..and always in a “normal” relationship..until I met my now ex-gf. We were together for almost 3 years..we had a long distance relationship but once in a while she comes here to visit. I can say that that was the most nurturing and passionate relationship I’ve ever had. We were so in love and until the time I broke up with her. I need to leave her for another man to secure my future and for my family.
My fiance and I been living together for 2 months now..and for all those days I’ve been with him I was never happy. Each day I’ve been yearning for my ex-gf. I really miss her. Recently, I’ve been thinking of leaving my fiance to get back with my ex..but I know I will disappoint my family…I really don’t know what to do..