Making sense of it all: lesbianism, bi-sexuality, “the closet” and a positive history with men
My question is about what it means to be a lesbian, how one knows she is a lesbian, and develops an identity as a lesbian with a significant, often positive history with many men. I also want to understand the power of creating a closet – Can people really think they’re into the opposite sex for a long time and not know they are gay?
I grew up in a liberal, “accepting” environment, am very social justice-minded, and always felt I knew myself well.
I have known I wasn’t straight since I was 14. I identified as bisexual and was open about that with friends and men I dated. My primary parent had a negative reaction to this. I had a really intense relationship with a female in high school. It felt wrong and right. Our first kiss was the most powerful, overwhelming experience that made everything in my head go crazy and make sense all at once. After her I basically only dated men, aside from a few flings with women over the years. I had two very serious relationships with men. I left both, they were heartbroken, I was relieved. Both are wonderful, kind, smart men. I though I loved them, I spent much time thinking about marriage kids, planning our lives together. Now I don’t know if I have ever been in love. I think I wanted marriage/kid/sensitive husband/heterosexual icons so badly, and because of a challenging background I think I really relied on and needed their love for and support of me.
I have had very sexual relationships with men, and I think I enjoyed sex with them… though in my last relationship I certainly used to want it to end quickly and eventually felt very not into it. Maybe that has always happened after the first couple of months with a man. Now the idea of having sex with a man seems pretty gross… but I know there have been times in the past when I probably wanted it. I don’t know how to make sense of that.
I’m in my 20s, and after leaving the last boyfriend, I started reading through my journals, reflecting, acknowledging my feelings for a friend and realizing I think I may be a lesbian. I fell into an intense, challenging, and passionate relationship with the friend. We split eventually, but I am right now only dating women though I am theoretically open to a guy… just not interested.
The main question to me now is if I am I gay? Or am I bisexual? I haven’t been attracted to men in a while, certainly since I more publicly came out to my community, family and friends as “queer.” But every now and then I feel some vague draw to a guy, though it usually ends quickly. I am definitely more physically attracted to women. But I am very drawn to hetero images still…
Other questions: Why does it matter to me to identify one way or the other? Am I turning to questioning my sexual orientation just because my experiences with men have been so unfulfilling and I have felt so misunderstood – what if those were simply the wrong men? Are there other women who have grown up in liberal, “accepting” environments, are strong, social justice-minded, feel like they know themselves, yet have still felt tremendous, overwhelming pressure to be in the closet to the point where they almost didn’t know they are gay? Can you be a “transitional bisexual” for years? I feel I have a strange story of being out at a very young age (openly in a relationship with a girl at least in high school), then going back into the closet basically during my early 20s for a few years, and then re-coming out. Really seeking insight, feeling very lost about this.
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Interesting post. To answer your first question, “Can people really think they’re into the opposite sex for a long time and not know they are gay?” I’m certainly a believer. In fact, that was me. I grew up in a small town, raised by two very conservative (minus religious) parents. In high school, being gay NEVER crossed my mind even though I was highly intrigued by anyone gay, especially gay women. I had to move 1000 miles away for college to figure myself out and was 19/20 when I put it all together. I have been out since Day 1 of my epiphany; no closets for me.
Based on what you’ve written, I would say you’re bisexual, but certainly lean towards the gay end of the spectrum. We have limited ourselves in terms to gay, straight, and bisexual, but personally, I don’t think it’s such an easy science. I think Kinsey really knew what he was talking about, though instead of 0 to 6, I might expand the scale a bit, say 0 to 10. Zero meaning you’re so straight, gay people make you nauseated and ten meaning you’re so gay, you are your own parade. Now, using that range, you’re probably a 7 or 8. This means you would get more out of a lesbian relationship emotionally and physically, but could have a lasting hetero relationship. Couple that with the fact that most people want to be “normal” (or average, the more PC term) and you’ve got a reason why you’ve had two semi-successful relationships with men and haven’t really been with a woman since high school.
Growing up, the only images of a family in the 80’s and early 90’s were that of the married, straight family. As your mind developed, the male and female image was burned into your brain. It feels like the right thing to do. Societal norms threw you into your current closet.
I don’t think you’re alone with your ‘out of the closet, back in’ experience. I am happy that you are open enough to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Step out, for a bit, and try to date women again.
Good Luck
I come from the same sort of background as you, and this in fact sounds very similar to my own thought process through the time I began to question and finally accept my sexuality. I had “crushes” on boys, had a few boyfriends, and was definitely attracted to my first boyfriend. I enjoyed kissing him and such, and liked him a lot – or so I imagined. When we broke up, I expected some storm of emotion but didn’t really feel much of anything past a very brief flash of anger. After that, every now and then I did feel vague attractions to guys, but nothing past a “oh, he’s cute”. In fact, it wasn’t until much later that I developed another crush, and became very excited when I thought that I liked this guy. It died completely after our first kiss — and I dated him for 7 months anyway. It does seem that I was so eager to be heterosexual that I attempted to force myself to be so. I found myself extremely eager to be able to sort myself — before I finally found myself to be a lesbian, I vacillated between identifying as bisexual and straight for just over 3 years. Your last paragraph sounds almost identical to my own thought process. It may be that you will find yourself to be bisexual at the end, or you may get the same result I did. The best advice I can give you is to wait it out. One day you’ll be able to say “I am ____” and it will feel exactly right.
Not much to say except that I am going through the same thing. I am married though. I can have satisfying sex with my husband but i always want it to end quickly. Actually I want it to start really really slow and end really really quickly.
I thought I couldn’t be lesbian because I have always been very liberal and tolerant and if I were gay I thought it would have come out by now. What i am realizing is that even though I am politically tolerant, feminist, all of that, somehow my mind never made the leap that sex and committed relationship with a woman is just as “real” as sex and committed relationship with a man. Like part of me has never really believed that there are lesbians. I just think heterosexism goes a lot deeper than I have ever realized. Something in me has not believed that there are women whose whole sexual experience has nothing to do with referencing men. I am feeling more imagination right now (well I’m in love with a close friend who is lesbian and never had sex with a man)– my world is completely expanding, falling apart, opening up, whatever– not sure where this is going, feeling a lot of the same questions and self-doubt.
I like what the other poster said about just sticking with your process and seeing where it leads. That’s what i am trying to do. My therapist helps a lot. Counseling or group work might be useful to you too. Anyways, don’t have any advice or answers, just wanted to say I am there in the same place too.