Comments on: Making sense of it all: lesbianism, bi-sexuality, “the closet” and a positive history with men http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2009/06/25/making-sense-of-it-all-lesbianism-bi-sexuality-%e2%80%9cthe-closet%e2%80%9d-and-a-positive-history-with-men/ Ask A Sister, We Always Answer Tue, 16 Mar 2010 08:49:59 +0000 hourly 1 By: Arugula http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2009/06/25/making-sense-of-it-all-lesbianism-bi-sexuality-%e2%80%9cthe-closet%e2%80%9d-and-a-positive-history-with-men/comment-page-1/#comment-37387 Arugula Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:00:30 +0000 http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/?p=1580#comment-37387 Not much to say except that I am going through the same thing. I am married though. I can have satisfying sex with my husband but i always want it to end quickly. Actually I want it to start really really slow and end really really quickly. I thought I couldn't be lesbian because I have always been very liberal and tolerant and if I were gay I thought it would have come out by now. What i am realizing is that even though I am politically tolerant, feminist, all of that, somehow my mind never made the leap that sex and committed relationship with a woman is just as "real" as sex and committed relationship with a man. Like part of me has never really believed that there are lesbians. I just think heterosexism goes a lot deeper than I have ever realized. Something in me has not believed that there are women whose whole sexual experience has nothing to do with referencing men. I am feeling more imagination right now (well I'm in love with a close friend who is lesbian and never had sex with a man)-- my world is completely expanding, falling apart, opening up, whatever-- not sure where this is going, feeling a lot of the same questions and self-doubt. I like what the other poster said about just sticking with your process and seeing where it leads. That's what i am trying to do. My therapist helps a lot. Counseling or group work might be useful to you too. Anyways, don't have any advice or answers, just wanted to say I am there in the same place too. Not much to say except that I am going through the same thing. I am married though. I can have satisfying sex with my husband but i always want it to end quickly. Actually I want it to start really really slow and end really really quickly.

I thought I couldn’t be lesbian because I have always been very liberal and tolerant and if I were gay I thought it would have come out by now. What i am realizing is that even though I am politically tolerant, feminist, all of that, somehow my mind never made the leap that sex and committed relationship with a woman is just as “real” as sex and committed relationship with a man. Like part of me has never really believed that there are lesbians. I just think heterosexism goes a lot deeper than I have ever realized. Something in me has not believed that there are women whose whole sexual experience has nothing to do with referencing men. I am feeling more imagination right now (well I’m in love with a close friend who is lesbian and never had sex with a man)– my world is completely expanding, falling apart, opening up, whatever– not sure where this is going, feeling a lot of the same questions and self-doubt.

I like what the other poster said about just sticking with your process and seeing where it leads. That’s what i am trying to do. My therapist helps a lot. Counseling or group work might be useful to you too. Anyways, don’t have any advice or answers, just wanted to say I am there in the same place too.

]]> By: kechara http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2009/06/25/making-sense-of-it-all-lesbianism-bi-sexuality-%e2%80%9cthe-closet%e2%80%9d-and-a-positive-history-with-men/comment-page-1/#comment-37141 kechara Fri, 26 Jun 2009 03:29:28 +0000 http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/?p=1580#comment-37141 I come from the same sort of background as you, and this in fact sounds very similar to my own thought process through the time I began to question and finally accept my sexuality. I had "crushes" on boys, had a few boyfriends, and was definitely attracted to my first boyfriend. I enjoyed kissing him and such, and liked him a lot - or so I imagined. When we broke up, I expected some storm of emotion but didn't really feel much of anything past a very brief flash of anger. After that, every now and then I did feel vague attractions to guys, but nothing past a "oh, he's cute". In fact, it wasn't until much later that I developed another crush, and became very excited when I thought that I liked this guy. It died completely after our first kiss -- and I dated him for 7 months anyway. It does seem that I was so eager to be heterosexual that I attempted to force myself to be so. I found myself extremely eager to be able to sort myself -- before I finally found myself to be a lesbian, I vacillated between identifying as bisexual and straight for just over 3 years. Your last paragraph sounds almost identical to my own thought process. It may be that you will find yourself to be bisexual at the end, or you may get the same result I did. The best advice I can give you is to wait it out. One day you'll be able to say "I am ____" and it will feel exactly right. I come from the same sort of background as you, and this in fact sounds very similar to my own thought process through the time I began to question and finally accept my sexuality. I had “crushes” on boys, had a few boyfriends, and was definitely attracted to my first boyfriend. I enjoyed kissing him and such, and liked him a lot – or so I imagined. When we broke up, I expected some storm of emotion but didn’t really feel much of anything past a very brief flash of anger. After that, every now and then I did feel vague attractions to guys, but nothing past a “oh, he’s cute”. In fact, it wasn’t until much later that I developed another crush, and became very excited when I thought that I liked this guy. It died completely after our first kiss — and I dated him for 7 months anyway. It does seem that I was so eager to be heterosexual that I attempted to force myself to be so. I found myself extremely eager to be able to sort myself — before I finally found myself to be a lesbian, I vacillated between identifying as bisexual and straight for just over 3 years. Your last paragraph sounds almost identical to my own thought process. It may be that you will find yourself to be bisexual at the end, or you may get the same result I did. The best advice I can give you is to wait it out. One day you’ll be able to say “I am ____” and it will feel exactly right.

]]> By: evolution http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2009/06/25/making-sense-of-it-all-lesbianism-bi-sexuality-%e2%80%9cthe-closet%e2%80%9d-and-a-positive-history-with-men/comment-page-1/#comment-37139 evolution Thu, 25 Jun 2009 20:31:34 +0000 http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/?p=1580#comment-37139 Interesting post. To answer your first question, "Can people really think they’re into the opposite sex for a long time and not know they are gay?" I'm certainly a believer. In fact, that was me. I grew up in a small town, raised by two very conservative (minus religious) parents. In high school, being gay NEVER crossed my mind even though I was highly intrigued by anyone gay, especially gay women. I had to move 1000 miles away for college to figure myself out and was 19/20 when I put it all together. I have been out since Day 1 of my epiphany; no closets for me. Based on what you've written, I would say you're bisexual, but certainly lean towards the gay end of the spectrum. We have limited ourselves in terms to gay, straight, and bisexual, but personally, I don't think it's such an easy science. I think Kinsey really knew what he was talking about, though instead of 0 to 6, I might expand the scale a bit, say 0 to 10. Zero meaning you're so straight, gay people make you nauseated and ten meaning you're so gay, you are your own parade. Now, using that range, you're probably a 7 or 8. This means you would get more out of a lesbian relationship emotionally and physically, but could have a lasting hetero relationship. Couple that with the fact that most people want to be "normal" (or average, the more PC term) and you've got a reason why you've had two semi-successful relationships with men and haven't really been with a woman since high school. Growing up, the only images of a family in the 80's and early 90's were that of the married, straight family. As your mind developed, the male and female image was burned into your brain. It feels like the right thing to do. Societal norms threw you into your current closet. I don't think you're alone with your 'out of the closet, back in' experience. I am happy that you are open enough to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Step out, for a bit, and try to date women again. Good Luck Interesting post. To answer your first question, “Can people really think they’re into the opposite sex for a long time and not know they are gay?” I’m certainly a believer. In fact, that was me. I grew up in a small town, raised by two very conservative (minus religious) parents. In high school, being gay NEVER crossed my mind even though I was highly intrigued by anyone gay, especially gay women. I had to move 1000 miles away for college to figure myself out and was 19/20 when I put it all together. I have been out since Day 1 of my epiphany; no closets for me.

Based on what you’ve written, I would say you’re bisexual, but certainly lean towards the gay end of the spectrum. We have limited ourselves in terms to gay, straight, and bisexual, but personally, I don’t think it’s such an easy science. I think Kinsey really knew what he was talking about, though instead of 0 to 6, I might expand the scale a bit, say 0 to 10. Zero meaning you’re so straight, gay people make you nauseated and ten meaning you’re so gay, you are your own parade. Now, using that range, you’re probably a 7 or 8. This means you would get more out of a lesbian relationship emotionally and physically, but could have a lasting hetero relationship. Couple that with the fact that most people want to be “normal” (or average, the more PC term) and you’ve got a reason why you’ve had two semi-successful relationships with men and haven’t really been with a woman since high school.

Growing up, the only images of a family in the 80’s and early 90’s were that of the married, straight family. As your mind developed, the male and female image was burned into your brain. It feels like the right thing to do. Societal norms threw you into your current closet.

I don’t think you’re alone with your ‘out of the closet, back in’ experience. I am happy that you are open enough to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Step out, for a bit, and try to date women again.

Good Luck

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