I’m Straight but I Have A Crush On Another Straight Woman
I’m 30 and married. Always was straight, never thought of being with a woman. I love my husband and don’t want to do anything that would hurt him. But last year a 26 year old woman moved into my city to work for my company. We became friends very quickly because we have a lot in common. She lives with her boyfriend now and neither one of our men like to go out, so we have ladies night together quite often. One of the first times we went out, she got drunk and started telling me how much she loves me and how beautiful she thinks I am. I was surprised that she was willing to say so much so early in our friendship. Later, it just became a habit where she got into her “I love you” moments every time she had too much to drink. She has kissed a woman before, and has been on one date with a woman she met at the strip club, but the girl freaked out and they never saw each other after that. She also told me that if she ever breaks up with her man she’ll settle with a woman.
The reason why I’m writing is that I started feeling weird things for her, things I only felt for men this far in my life. And couple of months ago she told me that she fantasizes about me. That freaked me out because we are both straight (so far that is) and we both have a man in our lives. But I guess what freaks me out the most is that I feel the same way, have wondered what it’d be like to kiss her, and have had sexual dreams about her. She did tell me her boyfriend does not consider her getting intimate with a woman as cheating, he thinks of it as the simple actualization of a fantasy. I asked my husband what he thought about it (of course not telling him that I really want to do it with someone) and he said he considers it as cheating because it will always come back in arguments and the woman might like it and continue to do it.
We haven’t done anything but last time we went out, she kept caressing my arms and telling me how soft they were and we ended up hugging a few minutes too long and a few times before parting. Our hearts were beating so fast I had to get out of there. Now we are afraid to see each other because we don’t know what’s going to happen and we’re really worried about damaging our friendship. She’s my best friend and has told me multiple times that I’m the best friend she’s ever had. I love her but don’t really know if it’s friendship love or romantic love. I also have to add that she no longer works with me but we live pretty close to each other. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
You love your husband but wonder whether or not to cheat on him. Your female friend is an adult so what you feel for her is not wrong. You can’t stop your feelings but you don’t have to act on it. So only you can decide if you want to risk losing your husband by having an affair with this woman.
I guess my attitude to this situation would be pretty pragmatic and dependent on what you want to get out out of taking things further with her. If meeting her has made you question your whole identity and has left you wondering if you are gay and you could imagine having a relationship with her, then I would say go ahead with the affair because if you are gay then sooner or later your relationship with your husband will suffer anyway. In this case the choice would be between living a lie and being true to yourself.
If however you are presuming that your attraction to her is only a bisexual episode (in other words a relationship with a guy or a woman can be fully satisfying to you) then you need to see whether you are prepared to cheat on your partner and potentially destroy a fulfilling relationship. The attitude “sex with another woman is not cheating” is disrespectful in so many ways: to the relationship between the women, it is saying that it can never be equal to the sex with a guy and that it can be used as a fuel for his fantasies of two girls making out; it is also disrespectful to the gf because it contains a hope on the side of the man that if she is allowed that maybe he could join in and get a share to. Your husband seems to have a more respectful attitude, so if you are having doubts about your sexuality and whether you want to continue being with a guy on a sexual level, then try to explore the gay/bisexual world through reading and maybe therapy: it looks like he respects you so you should try to do the same.
If you are only attracted to her and to the dynamics of the emotions between the two of you, but otherwise are happy to stay where you are and happy to continue being with your husband/ are just curious and flattered by the attention, then I would say leave it as it is and deal with it.
only you can decide if it is worth it…
Thanks MomentWeaver, your comment was very helpful. We haven’t seen each other for 10 days and it has been getting easier day after day, so maybe we just need to stay away from each other for a while. i know we’ll eventually have to sit and talk about it but at least by then it’ll be a more rational convensation. Thank you so much, you ladies are awesome!
If you think 10 days is enough to forget someone with that intensity of feelings you are dead wrong, wait till the first memory of your moments together pops up and you will feel all again with even higher intensity.
I am on my 4th month of ‘trying to forget’ and it just doesn’t seem to weaken. The difference between my experience and yours is that I have shared my feelings bluntly to my friend and she has denied feeling the same intensity, but does reinstate that she loves me and has also said that if I were a man, she would not doubt any minute that she would live the rest of her days with me. Hard to know what to think, I just chose to stick to the words literally spoken: I want a man and not a woman.
Hurts like hell and still struggling through the days, one day at a time. My only doubt is: remain as friends since losing hope for sexual love is gone, should I at least try to maintain the most beautiful part of it all: friendship love? 4th month and still struggling in this battle… trying to maintain the great friendship (I’m the tough type).
Best for you.
you’re probably right about the 10 days, i’ll keep you posted
. About your experience i think 4 months of suffering is hell and i don’t know how you can do it and still be willing to consider staying friends. I think you should look a little bit out of your relationship with her and let her know that you’re trying to take a little distance since she’s made it clear she doesn’t want a woman. Sometimes it takes seeing something you might want get away to know how much you want it. Open yourself to other options and if she asked share it with her. If something is ever going to happen with her, that would be her chance to rethink her decision. I guess what i’m trying to say is, don’t be too available.