Not An L Question Really, Just A Human One
Hello. I fell in love with a gorgeous woman some six months ago, first time for me although I had always known I liked women, just had no idea it could be that overwhelming. She is lesbian and we are both otherwise free and we are flatmates, I’m 32, she’s 50. Back in winter she just radiated joy, friendliness and horniness, sort of non-directionally, and I lit up from that, affection first I guess, then desire, then love or as close as I can get. Which last thing I’m saying because I can’t be selfless about it; I feel I must have something back from her or I get all sad and useless, poor unloved creature style. I have helped her a fair bit, ghost-writing research for her. When I can’t do more she seems to think it’s ill will; but it’s not my discipline and I can only squeeze out so much. Lent her money too, little for her but more than I can afford unless I can count on her. Sexually, she is uninterested now, says it’s not me but her. Age, menopause, random fluctuations of desire, she will say slightly different things at different times. But I’m not a beauty or anything, so there’s that too. She used to kiss at least and touch, but now she doesn’t or has to be begged or pressured, which is awful. Relationship-wise, she will say yes we are together, which is what I long to hear. Or that she needs more time to decide. Or something caustic if upset. Or, have I seen her with anybody else? Which I feel is off the topic. We seemed to get along fine, with occasional conflicts, until a month or two ago, when much of it turned sour this way. I need her desperately as if she were some sort of drug. The more I reach out for her, the more pressured she feels and the less she gives. But she still expects my help and asks for it. She has been getting less recently, because my own research is in trouble, hers is getting too hard for me, and honestly because I now daydream more and find it harder to concentrate, and she is less generous with smiles and touches. Now part of it sounds abusive, doesn’t it? But what intuition I have says she has not manipulated me intentionally and is as caught up in this tangle as I am. That she is a good person with strong emotions, and the bad ones are acutely painful, but the good ones are blinding, dazzling, intoxicating. But she may not want to make the effort. Where to next? If she sincerely wanted to, I would give her everything. Otherwise I want out or I will cry myself to a wet salty death. She is put off by this crybabiness, by my needing her like air, my insisting on physical intimacy and on sex if it can be done which I believe it could is she wanted to, she’s very fit and looks very young and many women older than her are sexually active. I sort of understand not wanting to be, especially if it required medication, but that sort of rules it out for me, she’s too sexy to give one peace of mind. We talk and get nowhere, largely because she runs out of patience. I have now pressured her for a clear situation, feeling it was a horrible risk but I couldn’t continue this way, and we seem to have bungled that conversation completely. I am in love but very tired too. I think I could bear an honest no, but in this suspense and inexplicitness she thrives and I suffocate. I don’t think I’m obsessed with sex, as she will say; nothing like frequency has even come up. I do respond strongly and easily to her and she used to be happy to see that, but now it upsets her. And she shakes me off if I get too physical. She might need me for the ghost-writing at least; or perhaps she doesn’t give a damn if it were to make here dependent on me in any way. Sorry there are no paragraphs; no idea how to split this.
So, what do you feel has been happening here? What would you do if you were me?
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It’s difficult. Now I could be wrong here, I’m only 13, but very empathic, but maybe she doesn’t know what to do, I never know what to do when my Bi friend calls me sexy when I wear tight clothing (she’s a very… hormonal person XD in a funny way), or maybe she’s telling the truth about menopause (excuse spelling. My mom’s going through it and she’s grumpy doesn’t want to do much, and she’s tired. Ask her if somethings bothering her and let her know she can tell you anything. Tell her calmly EXACTLY how you feel. Sorry if this doesn’t help. I tried.
You know what! Wow! Like a drug, like air, I know what you mean! I am deaply in love with the love of my life and we have been together for six months! You need to show her what she is missing, hard to get, i know people may not think it worls, but it so does! Honestly a salty wet death wont work, believe me if i lost my love i would seriously have no reason to move or do anything, but deep down you have to find something, a grain of sand inside you just to bring yourself up! It isnt you, its her, means really she needs time, time to thing and look on things, space! As hard as it is to stay away from her, you need to even if its a room away…it needs to happen, dont talk to fer for a few, answer her questions with short small answers…just let her sit back and realize! If you need anymore advice email me Bibby3_gomes@yahoo.com
<3 2love14
aka ash!
best of wishes!
Wow your post sounds really intense. Some of the emotions you described sound like love or intense obsession/infatuation, but some also sounds like they have a root somewhere else and not in that realtionship. I think you need to grow on your own on an emotional level outside of this relationship- you sound a bit like you want her to satisfy some needs that only you yourself have the power to satisfy. I don’t know how your working day looks, but I presume that being a researcher leaves you with yourself for a lot of the time. This can put a too big strain on others around you as it means that they are the only point of reference for your mind that is outside of you. I would recommend you get involved with something that requires you to be in the moment and away from yourself mentally. Maybe some kind of voluntary work in a fast paced environment or team sport if your time permits you this. You need to break your mental routine and do something completely different for a while-even something that normally doesn’t agree with your personality-it will help you to get a bit of perspective on things.
Good luck
Original poster here. Thank you all for replying.
Intense, that is one word that applies throughout. Mili-san, thank you. 2love14, I don’t think my English is up to dealing with all of your post; but thanks anyway.
MomentWeaver.
No I don’t think we have any spare time left either of us. There is teaching (though not in the summer), I do do voluntary work, there’s family and just the dirty business of earning enough to eat. But yes I am all wrapped up in her and emotionally dependent. To grow emotionally, isn’t that something we all want. Grow wiser. By staying away? Giving us both space and time?
Obstacle no 1, addiction is well, addiction. It would be horrible punishment. Obstacle no 2, should I then also withdraw that help I mentioned? I don’t think I will while she asks, but would you advise that? It is in itself an unethical thing to do and I’m sure her heart is heavy about it as mine is, but anyway, not something you do for a casual friend. So it would be hard to continue if we were to move apart. She has trusted me immensely by accepting it and asking for it in the first place.
She feels rushed, but after all it’s not a relationship I am rushing her into, just clarity. And that only because she used to be closer, very close, then withdrew, lightly, as if it didn’t matter… An approach to intimacy I haven’t yet seen. Not that I have seen much of anything; I was in a relationship twice before, one of them of six years, the other even shorter. But at each stage we knew what the other was doing with their heart. We moved in straight lines so to speak, not this crazy exciting curve of closeness-sharing-rejection-coldness and back again.
I guess perhaps from her POV I went for attachment before the time? It looked like the right moment to me; how can people French kiss and then move away emotionally? People may do things this way somewhere, but aren’t we, her and me, from the same culture? I wonder sometimes.
Or is this an orientation-related question after all, maybe
it’s normal for lesbians to be less explicit or less straightforward than straight men (and me)? For women to be less explicit and straightforward than men? Then I’m unlike other women?
Educated guess: nothing to do with orientation or gender, but the difference IS straight versus curved, pun not intended. Nothing wrong I guess with moving around in curved lines if you both know your way around. I don’t. Gosh she must find me simple.
Some needs that only I have the power to satisfy: are we getting into deep stuff here, like spiritual stuff? I know I don’t have a very secure centre. Not a thing to change overnight. I do meditate. Emotions rooted somewhere else: like a need to be validated through another? Well? It sure would be nice to bring a nice well rounded strong self-reliant loving open giving self into the situation, but I am what I am. I have made a point of not hiding anything from her, from the start. My limited experience is that vulnerability pays, either you get a good response or the negative response you get is short and clearcut. But not here. Sigh.
The sex bit just confuses the picture I guess. We haven’t of course had sex qua sex, as in naked, planned and everything; but we did kiss and caress, hand-to-hand, seriously enough for me to melt, space out, lose track of time, hover on the brink… and more… A few times. Nobody was forcing her and still it’s likely she felt little while I had the trips. Now
I seriously distrust oxytocin.
Do keep writing everybody if you feel you could help me get clearer. I am grateful.
Sounds like she’s on a power trip. Pick yourself up. Conduct yourself with dignity. She’s playing you.
Hi, I’m still hovering around. Mistral, you sound so sure. I can see how the power trip version fits the facts, but so do other stories. What if she’s afraid herself. And, assuming she were just cynical about it, could she afford to take such a risk? She can’t play forever; sooner or later we would have to come to terms with it. She can’t be sure that, rejected and angry, I won’t, say, out her, and our circumstances are such that her career could suffer a lot, but mine shouldn’t. It just depends on your boss, such things. She can’t be sure I won’t betray our ghost-writing scheme. I know I won’t, but she doesn’t.
“Carry yourself with dignity”. I suppose I know, roughly, what dignity is when she is cold and distant. It is much harder to tell when she is all sweetness, like for the last three weeks or so. I am afraid of the intimacy, now, but find it almost impossible to resist.
Can she be “just” confused, uncertain? Afraid, a little? Her last love was about my age and wanted to marry her in a humanistic ceremony, then fell in love on the side and left her. And she was, like me, a fresh “convert” from straightness. Too many similarities perhaps, or too soon, for her to be ready to surrender. But she wants to too. Is that not likely?
She is I think marvelously complex, and layered like an onion. Her daily outermost layer is charming and intense, with some impatience, joy, energy, loads of sex appeal, a sparkling intelligence. From beneath I get glimpses of much better things, but also worse. Selfishness and self-centeredness. Self-awareness and self-control. Wisdom, the very mundane kind. Great skill at so many things. Unexpected patience and peace. Pain, distrust, disillusionment. Layers and layers of stuff to learn, if she lets me.
If I know where we stand. Communication can be difficult. I like to have things clear and in the open; she seems to think I should know without being told. She operates on intuition and spontaneity and when I don’t, I am to her “like a guy”. Where’s dignity in this murkiness, I wonder. I turn on more light and she hides in dark corner.