Married, but…
I am happily married to my husband of 17 1/2 years, but… I have found feminine women physically attractive for several years. My husband didn’t have a problem with this – thought it was exciting. I had several chances at being with women who were interested, but never could really do anything. I just liked to look.
Well, that all changed in January when I met my new English professor. She is completely different from anything I have ever wanted. She is very manly in her appearance and even in the way she walks. Anyway, I really didn’t think much of her when I first saw her. But as she began to talk, I really looked at her. I loved her laugh and the way that she said things. Simple things. Like, “I really, really, really, really, really like Beowulf…” It was not what she said, but how she said it somehow. Sounds crazy, I know. But I was fascinated and hated that the first class ended so soon.
Next few classes, I noticed her staring at my breasts. I couldn’t look at her. I was flattered, but embarrassed. She was not trying to be discreet. I felt so giddy, but tried really hard not to see her that way. I started saying things about my husband constantly because I thought she was looking because she somehow knew I was interested. She did things that seemed flirty, but I’m not sure… I tried really hard not to be interested.
Fast Forward to end of semester: By the end of the semester, I had made a complete idiot of myself with this woman. Every time I was alone with her (discussing the class or whatever), I would be a babbling idiot. I was so nervous that I made a fool of myself repeatedly. I was a complete mess anyway, because I couldn’t figure myself out. I’d NEVER had an emotional attachment to a woman before. But being close to her really messed me up!
By the end of the semester, she seemed to dislike me more than anything and I am pretty sure she figured out how I felt about her. Our last meeting was set up to discuss the final grade results. She had a ring on – which she had not worn previously. I took that as a sign that she was sending me a message to leave her alone. Still, I had on a pink triangle ring and she kept eyeing it. (My message.) She looked confused. I felt confident, because I had finally accepted how I felt about her and about who I am.
I know I cannot be with her, but I still want her. Over the summer, I tried so hard to get past her, but I am still fighting the thoughts of her. I have her for the fall semester. I know I will be able to control my emotions better. (I am pretty sure, anyway.) I just don’t want to make her uncomfortable or offend her.
BTW, my husband no longer thinks it’s cool for me to like women. He gets upset now if I mention it – or if women flirt with me. I don’t want to hurt him. We have a good marriage and two kids. I know I sound really screwed up; probably because I am! But I’m okay with that.
Thanks for listening and any advice on how to get through all of this would be great!
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Hello,
If you come on to her when she is your professor, you can count on making her uncomfortable. Nothing to do with sexuality necessarily. It’s just that you’re really not in a position to try anything out with her as long as you are her student. It would be a very serious violation of academic integrity on her part to respond in any way other than setting you clear on that. So please don’t invite her to be dishonorable. I would take this as a signal to explore your sexuality and get things straight with your husband more than anything else.
I would keep things extremely honorable with her. If there is any possibility between you two it will only come to a satisfying conclusion if you handle this part of your relationship with honor. As far as your husband that is a huge deal of its own that must be engaged. Just because it’s a woman you’re attracted to doesn’t create any free-passes. I would focus my energies on getting things figured out with your husband (ie what do these feelings mean? are they going to stay in the realm of fantasy or do you want to act them out? do you want to act them out even at the risk of losing your marriage? etc etc.) so that the next time a crush hits, or when those waves hit you over the fall in her class, you will be prepared for it and can engage those feelings from the perspective of having clarity on what you really want and what will work in your life.
Good luck!!!
You sound so together! I wish I could be. I have absolutely no plans to hit on her. I would not be bold enough to even if I did want to! I just want to make it through. My first class was yesterday and I was so determined to be composed, but every time I looked at her, she was looking at me and would smile. I felt guilty for looking at her so much. I tried not to. I know she was probably looking at me because she knows how I feel and my very presence makes her uncomfortable. I just want to avoid causing her any more discomfort. I didn’t realize it would be so tough not to look! But I’ll be too busy taking notes to worry about it from now on, so at least the looking will not be an issue.
I was married the first time I seriously fell for another woman…. an adult student of mine! Of course nothing happened between us, but the next year I ended up leaving my husband. I thought I was bi, but I’m definitely gay.
I agree – you shouldn’t make a move on her while she’s your Professor, and that you need to sort things out wiht your husband prior to deciding anything else. I had a year off dating after my marriage ended to decide I really wanted to be with women and wasn’t purely doing it because my marriage failed.
i agree about not hitting on her but i dont think that you make her as uncomfortable as you think you do. if you did she wouldnt be looking at you every time youre looking at her and she definetly wouldnt smile. i wouldnt worry about causing her discomfort i would focus on your own and what it takes to keep you happy. also definetly use this as a time to work things out with your husband and make sure you KNOW youre sexuality.
I have tried talking to my husband about how I feel. He thinks I am just confused or something. He gets so angry when I bring it up. When it was the idea of something sexual with no feelings attached, it appealed to him. But this is a threat.
I don’t want him to feel threatened, but I want to be honest about how I feel. He will not even talk about it, though. He thinks it will pass in time. He does not think she would do anything with a student, so he does not worry over anything happening there. Therefore, he doesn’t have to talk now. I NEED to talk now, though! (Which is why I’m here, of course.)
As for class, I have bit the inside of my mouth and forced myself to look down at my paper or whatever as much as possible. I think I did a bit better today, but it is soooo difficult! I know there is no logical reason I should look at her since there will never be anything there, but my mind and my eyes are not in sync! I worry that if I don’t worry about offening her, I’ll be staring at her!
I am not sure about my sexuality, but feel that “pansexual” may fit. How do you know for sure? How can you KNOW? Mostly, I don’t think it really matters — it is just a label anyway. But I also just want to know, you know. For myself. Thanks — to everyone who has responded. It is a tremendous help right now.
I am in this process too (married and questioning). I think it’s really hard to know when it’s all abstract, in your head, especially if you have already committed yourself. I’m trying to just take it step by step with my husband. Actually things are kind of dissolving between us because he hasn’t been quite up for the challenge and that is becoming a problem of its own. My question is, can I be satisfied with HIM. I feel like I need to answer that first . . if the answer is yes, the other stuff doesn’t really matter . . if the answer is no, then there are a whole other set of questions that open up. Good luck.
Thanks, arugula. I know I love my husband. I also am smart enough to know that my professor is a fantasy that will never be within my grasp. I cannot explain what just being near her does to me though. It is crazy! My mind tells me that this is an impossibility and I know, logically, that this is so. Yet my body deceptively is affected by her. I had to see her after class today. I was prepared. I had steeled my mind to not think of her — to just concentrate on the notes I needed. I thought I did well. But when I left, my knees were weak and I was shaky! She tears me up without having to do a thing!
As for if I can just be straight, I don’t know. I have begun to notice women differently and I am not sure if I can just shirk that off as nothing. I have had several guys flirt with me at school, and it is flattering, but does nothing more for me. There have been a few girls I have noticed, but I’m so out of the loop that I wouldn’t know if they were flirting. I know this will sound absurd, but I don’t want something sexual. I mean, that is not the end goal. I guess I don’t know what I want (besides what I cannot have — her!)!
I hope that you find enlightenment and that your husband supports you throughout. This is a very difficult process. I do feel some semblance of comfort knowing I am not the only one. I can answer honestly that I want to want my husband. I do want him, but do I want him enough to be satisfied? Until your self-addressed question, I had not thought of that exactly. I do believe that I can stay with him., and I do feel that I could remain faithful to him (only one tempts me right now to the point of utter recklessness). I have always been faithful to him, so why would that change? But I am not sure I can be satisfied now that my eyes have been opened to a broader spectrum.
Are you still struggling with your question? I truly hope you find truth — that is also what I am aspiring for.
Sincerely Grateful, Flaire
This is an update on the situation with my professor. I am “over her” now, as in, I’m not thinking about her constantly (obsessing over her). I am fairly certain that there was an attraction between us, but that this is not the time. She confided in me that she is in a committed, but long-distance relationship. I didn’t ask if it were open, because we were still teacher/student. But I knew where I stood. I won’t say that I am no longer attracted to her, I simply feel normal about it now.
My husband never accepted that I am possibly gay (or even bi) and is now very jealous over other women. It has been a rough year. The problems are minimal overall. I have noticed other women more, and I think this has caused me to be noticed by them.
There was even a (much younger – she was 14 years younger)hot girl that was interested in me in one of my other classes. (I let her know I wasn’t interested, though I was sexually attracted for sure.)
So now I’m worried about something Arugala said about “the next time” I’m attracted to a woman. I cannot imagine being head over heels the way I was for my professor, but…
It is not always easy not to flirt back with women. No problem saying no to men though! lol
Anyway, I have no idea where to go from here. Thanks to all of you who understand!
Flaire you might want to check out this email group for heterosexually-married women who are coming out: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/COAMLB/
There is a lot of wisdom in that group. you can talk about your experience and get feedback from women with a lot of experience with different dimensions of this over time. There are women who have stayed with their husbands through it all, and others like me who ended up splitting up. Some poly relationships. Just a ton of different experiences that can help you imagine your way forwards. I have really benefitted from their wisdom. And they give it to people straight (so to speak)
my update is that i am not struggling with this anymore, my H and I separated very shortly after this exchange, not because of sexual orientation but other issues. Now I’m out and it feels good. Scary and a lot of change but good.
I so appreciate the information. I visited, but chickened out of signing in. My husband does not want me to explore this side of me and I know he has checked my emails before. When I try to talk about it, he shuts me out. (He would freak if he knew I came to this site again! And I honestly tried not to. It is just so hard not knowing…)
Again, thank you.
Flaire,
Create a new hotmail or yahoo email account, and use it, but only from the public library. I use a special email address for all of these lists, originally for this kind of reason, now just to maintain my privacy. You shouldn’t put in your actual identifying information when you set up this new email address.
What your husband is doing is controlling. That is completely unacceptable behavior. It is not adult behavior. He is not allowed to dictate the routes of your mind and imagination and it is not good for either of you. By nature we are gifted with minds and spirits that are free to explore and create new things. He does not have the authority to dictate the terms of your imagination. He can tell you about his feelings and responses to what you are doing, but the route he is actually taking is different from honest exposure of vulnerability.
I would recommend looking at some websites on emotional abuse. Just do a google “emotional abuse.” There are checklists you can look at. Here’s one: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?
If you do not feel that you can maintain privacy in your relationship with your spouse, that is an issue that is separate from issues of sexual identity and quite serious on its own.
Good luck Flaire, I am thinking of you.