Advice needed

So I have recently come out to my closest friends and my family as well as some cousins too.  I don’t regret coming out at all.  I think I finally figured out that it was the right thing to do and I may have never done it if it wasn’t for this girl I met.  She just happened to come to work at my workplace in March.  We just clicked and I really fell for her.  We flirted, hung out all the time and well… yes, I fell for her.  It didn’t happen instantly but through time and spending so much time talking to her it happened.  I wasn’t looking for her or anyone for that matter.  I was just staying in my little hole of a world and maybe eventually down the road maybe I would realize how important coming out would be.  I didn’t want her to be the reason I came out, but I am starting to wonder if she was the reason. 

Well about two months ago I told her how I felt and how I basically did want to be with her, but because of her issues of a past relationship or that was what she was saying she didn’t want to be with anyone.  I felt as though she was stringing me along and keeping me so close that I was there, but not so close when she felt she couldn’t handle it.  She is 24 and I am 32.  She’s been out since she was 19 and I just came out.  She’s been in about 7 relationships and I’ve only had one that was really in the dark, so I don’t know if I feel it was all that valid.  Anyway, she told me in several conversations that I am really important to her and other than her father I am the one person that gets her.  We connect and fit so well together, but she doesn’t want anything with me.  Maybe it is because I lack experience, maybe it is because I wasn’t out at the time, maybe it was because I am not the model type of person she is looking for, but I really wish she would just tell me what is wrong with me that she doesn’t want to be with me.  I think it is important to find out the truth even if it hurts. 

I think that I should just go out and meet other people and completely get over her or the thought of us being together because this is going to kill our friendship and I love being friends with her more than anything.  Maybe we wouldn’t work out and I see way that we wouldn’t – maybe that is why she doesn’t want to start something, have it not work out and then lose a great friend.  I don’t know.  All these thoughts are in my head and I want to stop being so available to her to maybe meet other people.  The other issue I have with meeting others is that I wonder if there are other lesbians even out there in this area because it seems this is the gay men capital of the world.  It’s hard to find really cute lesbians in this area that aren’t super boyish because my type isn’t super girly, but more along the athletic type of girl.  That’s what she is and I hate that I became attracted to her in the first place.  I’m really trying to turn off those feelings, but it won’t happen easily if I don’t make a separation.  Maybe I should ask her why she went from having feelings for me to not having feeling for me, but she doesn’t like these conversations and I promised to not bring them up to her.  I feel like she told me her reasons already, but something tells me she isn’t telling me the whole deal.  I want to be close friends with her, but she keeps things from me it seems.  So I am thinking of checking online dating to meet other people because I am a business professional and chasing down a lesbian hang out here is like looking for a needle in a haystack.  Also my hours don’t allow for that kind of time.  I want to be out and open to new possibilities without having to be around her.  I am sure that being with me all the time also puts a damper on her possibilities and she is more outgoing than me.  She could meet someone quickly if she really wanted to. 

I just need some advice on what I should do.  Also some advice on meeting other people considering that I am out and I want to be happy.  I was so happy and crazy happy getting to know her, but I think she knows I will always be here if something better doesn’t come along.  I don’t want to be here and so attached to her.  I want to branch out now that I am out and put these feelings behind me.  It took me by surprise my connection with her and it still does almost every day, but she doesn’t want a relationship and I do.  I want to find out if there is someone out there that I can connect with on the same level and they know what they want.  So any advice would be great and thanks for reading.

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