Has this happened to anyone else?
I have fallen head over heels in love! She is beautiful, kind, funny, smart and into me as well… however… she is married. Talk about confused. We started out as friends with her giving me advice on what to do in a past relationship. The worse that relationship got, the more we would have our late night talks… what we considered “drunk therapy” and the closer we became. In April, via her advice, I broke off the relationship with the other woman. Immediately, things began to change for the better. She started inviting me to do everything with her. We had a ball together and were inseparable. You could feel the connection between us. In July, we, and a few friends, spent the day together and spent the night at a beach house. Well, WE stayed in the living room when everyone else went to sleep. Granted we were high off of espresso martinis… but we ended up kissing a lot and making out all night long. She told me she had always been attracted to me and was, in fact, in love with me. I questioned her about being in love with a woman considering she was married. She explained it was news to her, too, but she was. I was on the highest cloud ever! The next day we spent together, laughing, and just being in love. That day happened to be her wedding anniversary, which she spent with me. She did go home to her husband late that night and said she was going straight to sleep. She even called me when she got home to tell me she loved me. The next day she seemed to act a little distant, so I questioned her withdrawal. She said she didn’t remember saying those things to me. She did remember making out, etc. I smoothed things over by saying I dreamt it, just to calm her nerves. I figured things were going way too fast for her. (In my heart, I know she remembers.) In minutes, she was back to normal. It took a few days, but then we were kissing each other good night, texting back and forth all night, spending every waking moment together. She started telling me “I love you” first (and usually still does!)
We live in a very small town and everyone started talking about us. Making up 99% of it. With the rumors flying, we forged a stronger bond. We were fighting the world together. Then, one day, she started pulling away. I confronted her and we got into a huge fight. She yelled at me. It broke my heart. I have never cried that hard over someone. The next day I texted her the most heartfelt apologies and told her I was gonna stay away. I explained that I knew it was tacky to “break up” via text message but I knew I couldn’t stay away if I heard her voice. My reasoning being that the rumors were hurting her and I knew it was getting to her. I didn’t want to be a part of anything that caused her pain. So I thought we should stay apart for awhile until things cooled down. She texted me back that I needed to lighten up and we were fine. She even made some lighthearted reference about what I was doing that afternoon. I was beyond confused. The next night we sat down for a good ole heart to heart. She said she knew she hurt me and it broke her heart. She felt the walls closing in and she needed time to think. We swore we would keep our lines of communication open no matter what. Since then we have been golden. She calls me everyday and tells me she loves me. We flirt back and forth constantly like we did in the beginning. I feel like we need to slow things down, so she doesn’t freak again. She won’t hear of it.
Yesterday, we spent all day and most of the night together for the first time since all the drama. It was absolutely magical. She called me when I got home and we talked for 2 more hours. (It is like we can’t be away from each other.) She made a comment about leaving her husband. I was shocked. She had told me that she could never do that to him. Wow! I am just in utter shock. I am so in love with her and want to be with her. Feel pretty damn sure that she is serious about it. I guess I am a little worried because of her past pulling away. Do you think she was just scared? I know this woman loves me. I can see it every time she looks at me. I can feel it when she touches me. She has told me and shown me a million times. When she kisses me I can feel it in my toes. I do not want to make any mistakes with her. How can I make this transition easy for her so she doesn’t become the shrieking violet?
I do think she has always been a lesbian, just never admitted it to herself. I think she was a virgin when she got married, not sure. She has been married for over 20 years but confessed to me that they sleep in different beds and only have sex twice a year. She and her husband are never together. She has always been a “loner until she met me”, that is a quote from her. Some people are shocked when they learn she is married. Not that it matters much, but she is so00 more Butch than I am… haha. In every way, she has lesbian tendencies… I don’t think it will shock her husband, if she left him for a woman. You can tell he loves her, but, she treats him more like a buddy than her husband. I think he may be on to us anyway. He is constantly trying to check her messages on her cell phone, and mine too, for that matter. I think he suspects we are more than friends. I really don’t want to hurt him either, although, I know I will. He really is a nice guy. I just happened to fall in love with his wife.
And some background…We are both in our forties; she is a few years older than I am. We also have been acquaintances for many, many years. I was one of the people shocked to learn she was married! We have never officially slept together. Came extremely close a few times. I feel it is inevitable and will be really soon. All we need is opportunity, we already have motive!
I guess I just want to know if this is familiar to anyone out there. Any advice would be appreciated. I really do feel like she is the love of my life and likewise. I don’t want her to resort to guilt and obligation and stay in an unhappy marriage. I just want to be with my love, without her getting cold feet. I do understand how difficult this must be on her. I want to make this as easy for her as possible. Help?
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
My heart goes out to you because you are in a truly difficult situation. I doubt you are looking at anything that will be “easy.” I would try to get that hope out of your mind as quickly as possible, there is no “easy” way here when you are talking about someone who has already entered into such a serious commitment with someone else. Instead of looking for an “easy” way, I would try to find a way that has “integrity.” Over the long run looking for integrity will make things a lot easier on everyone than looking for “easy” will.
Are you someone who normally goes for monogamy yourself? you don’t say anything about that here. If you are, if you’re imagining a monogamous relationship with her, then you have to understand that how she handles things with her husband now is going to be a kind of window into how things will get handled with you when things get tough. Not that it is the same relationship, it isn’t. But I feel worried reading this email that she sounds a little cavalier about what she is embarking on. Even if she is lesbian, she has entered into a commitment with another person and she has a responsibility to tell that person the truth about the contours of her current experience (unless they have some kind of other agreement). If you are someone who is seeking monogamy yourself, then you should see this as a crash course in testing your commitments against the various things that life brings.
I think in this kind of complicated situation everyone needs to keep their eye on the ball. The more integrity she is able to bring to her relationship with her husband, the better prepared she will be for whatever comes next. Same for you. The more integrity you two can summon for this moment, the better off your future relationships with each other and with others will be. I would try to keep your vision really focused in that direction.
I guess I think it is important to remember that infidelity is infidelity whether it’s with a man or a woman. She needs to figure out her relationship with her husband . . either divorce or open it up with mutual consent or decide to stay with him monogamously and end this love game with you. That has to be her first priority. Really that is her priority even before living out her love with you, because if she can’t manage that hurdle, then you two are set up for a lot of suffering extending out over a looong period of time. So it is in your interest too to help her refocus her attention where she needs to and figure out how to proceed with her husband. She needs to manage it well to set herself up for whatever comes next.
You don’t say if she has kids but obviously that would be another huge factor. I guess I would urge you two to be very careful. There is an email group for married women lesbians and bis that is quite good, you can find it by just doing some googling around for “married lesbian” . . I would try to read up on how others have engaged this situation so that you are armed with information.
Best wishes to both of you, I hope you can manage things to bring the utmost happiness possible to all in the situation.
Thanks. To answer a few questions..I am a very monogamous person. I take committment very serious. I think that is why I am so troubled. To my knowledge, (and we are very open with each other)she has always been faithful. This is such a turn of events for both of us. Neither of us saw this coming. We are trying to handle this with sensitivity and integrity. To respond to your advice..it is kind of ironic, yesterday your words came out of my mouth. I told her I was gonna back away and let her regroup. She agreed but was very resistent. There is no doubt in my mind that there are serious feelings here and I tried to reassure her that I will still be here for her. AND I WILL! She just needs to get her head straight and her house in order. I will support her in whatever decision she makes. Even if it breaks my heart. The hardest thing is the more I try not to call or see her,the more she is calling and making ways to see me. The more space I give her makes her want to be closer to me. Last night she and her husband and myself were all in the same gathering..Talk about odd! He was reaching for her, she was reaching for me. I could hear her bringing up my name incessantly in conversations. It made for a quite uncomfortable night. We cant look at her when he is around. Our eyes would tell all. I smile everytime she walks in the room. I think it is cute when she tries to disguise her smile when she sees me. I love that actually. I do love her so so much. I know the Beatles sang “All you need is love..”, but I dont want to slant our names and hang our heads in shame everytime we are out. (Love sucks sometimes..haha!) Anyway, thanks for responding. Oh, one more thing..She has no children.
Edit note: We cant look at each other when he is around…