Help me! I feel like I’m going nuts.

Okay this has the potential to be a long message (and it’s all messy in my head). So bear with me. I really don’t know who else to turn to and I’ve been reading this website for some time now. So I thought who best to help than you guys.

I’m 25 and not officially out of the closet, in fact I don’t really know if there’s a closet to come out of. In my head if I class myself as “label-less” I can accept it better. I’ve never dated boys or girls; I always convinced myself that I didn’t need anybody, until now that is. I’ve always looked a both sexes and thought they were attractive etc. but never had feelings for anyone.

The only way I can get a clear opinion on what I should do is to tell the truth to someone.

So here goes…

About a year ago I met this older lady at an Amdram theatre and we got talking. Her husband of 15 years (who was also much younger then her) had left her 6 months before and it had totally floored her, she lost a huge amount of weight and was on tablets, constantly crying etc. They had huge problems in there marriage; he was an alcoholic, manipulative liar. He refused to have sex with her for 13 years and she never cheated on him. He used it as a control tool.

One night I mentioned that my Dad wanted me to move out and she said that she needed a lodger.

So after seeing the house, I decided to move in. Big mistake as I knew then that I fancied her but thought I could control it.

At first we were inseparable and did everything together. She needed me and I needed her. We were each others rocks. Nothing sexual but we had that special connection and I knew she fancied me and I fancied her. After about 2 months of me being there she told me she loved me, but as we hadn’t really spoken about what we were to each other, I didn’t know in what way she meant that. I made a huge mistake of not saying anything back, because she scared me.

Whenever it got too much I used to get upset and she’d ask what was wrong and say that she didn’t know what I wanted from her. I made another mistake of saying I think I wanted a mother figure and she wasn’t prepared to do that. I don’t want a mother figure. I’ve messed this up from the beginning and I think I might have lost her. We’ve hurt each other and played from the start from fear of getting to close.

Also she’s heavily influenced by her friends and anything they say she seems to soak up and obsess about doing it. Like it’s unhealthy for us to spend so much time together.

There was also this one time where we were talking about a lesbian that she knew and the lesbian told her that she thought she was a lesbian the first time she met her. As she was telling me about this, she said that maybe she is a lesbian and I asked why she thought that. She said because of the way she looked and I said (like an idiot) I think you’d know if you were a lesbian.

I’m so scared of her and how I’m feeling, but I don’t want to lose her. I don’t know how to be honest with her. If I’m with her she might be too afraid to admit she likes me or she might not feel the same anymore because she feels like I’ve rejected her. I’ve totally screwed this up from the beginning. I’ve never loved a woman before.

I can’t get over her if I live with her and I don’t want to leave. I just want to look after her.

What should I do?

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