What Would You Do?
This is me: I’m 38, I’ve always been with men, but I’ve also had crushes on women since the age of 15. I was in a long-term relationship with my last boyfriend – more than 15 years – and when we split up two years ago it was partly because it was more and more dawning on me that I’m actually a lesbian. He was a good friend, but I didn’t feel sexually attracted to him any more. At all. So meanwhile, I’ve accustomed myself to the fact that I’m undeniably a lesbian: I’m a woman who is physically attracted to women (I don’t even consider men by now) – and I’m happy with that. I love women!
I’m not out to anyone yet, though, and I’ve never had a girlfriend or lesbian sex so far. I’m really willing to tell people I’m a dyke, but I feel awkward saying: Yes, I’m a lesbian, but no, I haven’t got any experience as a lesbian. – See my problem?
There might be a solution: Although I live in a small community in Germany (not a very likely place to meet fellow dykes), there are two women who sort of made a pass at me. The problem is: I’m attracted to neither of them. One is socially below me (I’d sleep with her, but I wouldn’t know what to talk to her about), the other one is a femme, she’s nice, but I’m physically just not attracted to her.
So my dilemma is: In order to come out properly I need a lesbian affair; there are two offers, but I don’t want any of them. What do I do? Pick one of them, be unhappy with her, but finally come out? Leave it and wait for someone I really want?
What would you do?
Comments
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
I would just reccomend that you wait till you actually find someone you like. You don’t want your first time to be with someone you don’t see yourself being with.
I came out to my mother that i might be bi in the 7th grade… cometofind out i was… she didnt believe me till i had my first real girl friend in 9th grade… i completly stopped liking guys.. i don’t know why… dont know how… but i get asked all the time… why a lesbian? of all things… my parents dont talk to me about it… n i feel highly uncomfortable when i see an attractive woman and have to look away in fear my parents might bager me… i’ve been a lesbian for about a year and a half now… my mother still treats me diferent and my dad just wont talk to me about it… its hard becuase they denie it and i can’t… the coming out part wasn’t hard… it’s the acceptance and love that went mising!!!
You need a lesbian affair to call yourself a lesbian? Why? What does losing your L-virginity have anything to do with being one?
I understand that there’s probably a sense of urgency here. You may feel like you’ve wasted a significant part of your life pursuing men and want to get involved in all things gay now now now. You’re going to have to approach this in a cool manner, however. I mean, you can always tell the girls who are new on the scene or fresh out of a relationship. To get the woman you want, you can’t act like a 5-year old in a toy store. Play it cool.
My suggestion: come out right now, regardless of your sex life. Word will travel fast if small German towns are anything like small towns here in the US, and you’ll find that there are many more women than the two you’ve mentioned who are gay. Wait for someone you really want. I’m certain you will NEVER forget your first lesbian experience, so make it a good one.
Good Luck
Yet again, evolution hits the money with sensible advice…
I mean, that whole argument that you have to be with someone to know you are a lesbian is so flawed. That is, whether you are gay or straight, there has to be attraction to the same gender or opposite gender before you actually go one way or the other. I mean, it would be kind of stupid to say ‘well how do you know you are straight if you haven’t been with a guy yet?’ Like seriously! Straight people can be so ignorant sometimes… or another one that just gets me rolling is…’oh x is a lesbian… why don’t you date her’. My response: oh that plumber with the ass crack showing is a man, and you’re straight, so why don’t you date him?
The reality is that regardless of sexuality and gender, you will have a bit of a challenge finding someone you want to be with full stop (which is why Sex and the City was such a big hit). But there are certain variables you can’t change, like your sexuality.
I would wait until you find someone you really like… If you date someone you are really in love with, your first time will be incredible.
Finally, you don’t have to leave your town to find someone. I have lived in the largest cities in the USA and other countries and haven’t found a gf yet. These things are random, so just keep doing what you’re doing and things will work out.
wait
wait, until you can’t possibly wait any longer and go for the first one you’ve got a shot with.
Another suggestion is that perhaps you could stop deciding people are “socially below you.” That might open your options up a bit. Are you royalty? WTF, seriously.
props to boop