Process
A quite disappointing setback came across my path towards lesbian freedom. I understand that jumping from A to K just isn’t logical, yet at the same time, there is no “path” to becoming a lesbian. I am who I am. However, identity is one thing—bringing identity into balance with society and culture is another. Bringing all of this into reality just isn’t working.
Because of my job, I’m able to travel some, so right now I’m at a very liberal place. I figured since no one knew me here I’d give it a shot and try to meet some people. I must admit, I’ve been subtle. So far, I’ve only walked through the gay district and gone into a bookstore there a couple of times. I guess I should say I really haven’t tried. Nonetheless, recently I planned to go to a lesbian speed dating night. That night I talked myself into going. I was running late trying to find the place. When I found it, I couldn’t go in. I probably walked around the block at least 4 times. Finally, I left on the account that it was too late. I felt awful that night. I couldn’t even walk in the building. That seems like no process at all.
Does it ever get better or easier dealing with the process? I’ve known of proponent people that lived their entire life without being open with their sexuality. People that are fearless sometimes fall astray when it comes to her/his sexuality. Perhaps, I’m asking these queries because I can’t ever see myself getting to the point of even approaching a lesbian, let alone coming out as one—and that makes life a bit disappointing. I don’t want to be one of those people that live life alone. I also don’t want to be one of those people that get so desperate they back to men. I’ve turned down so many men—good fellas, but if the opportunity presents itself so many times…you know?
I’m sure all things will work out. It’s just one of those moments where all of this seems so overwhelming and complicated. No one said it would be easy, huh.
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
i love your post. I can so relate. Maybe speed-dating freaked you out . . I think that would scare me regardless. Talk about high pressure! There will be other events and you can show up to them and hopefully enter into the scene more discreetly! lol. anyways it was awesome that you showed up, if you keep showing up you are going to start meeting people and then making friends and then who knows a smart sexy woman might come into your life at just the right moment . . .
I agree with Arugula. You’re probably trying to run before you can crawl. When I first admitted to myself I was gay I had no idea how to break into the scene. None of my friends were gay. I didn’t know one gay sole! The internet really helped me. I started out with chat rooms and online dating sites. That way you can ‘meet’ people and find out a bit about them from the safety of your own loungeroom, lol. Then if you hit it off with someone you can think about meeting up. It’s also just a good way to meet people who understand what you’re going through. Anyway good luck. Things will fall into place. I’ve had several great relationships with women (and have never gone back to men since my first girlfriend) and have been with my current girlfriend for 4 years. If someone had told me that 8 years ago, when I was living a fake straight life and wondering how to even begin going about being true to myself, I wouldn’t have believed them!
Poor Denise lol – I remember when I went to my first LGBT meeting on campus at college when I was in NY – lol I went up to the door, and totally flipped out and went back to my dorm… it was embarrassing cause the people in the room knew someone was there and they were like ‘come in’…. ahh man… those were the days….
But that was back in 2001…. now I don’t even think about it… I am who I am… and it takes a lot of time and self-learning to get to a point where you’re comfortable…
Also there is a great rush in society to hook up and find a partner… and the natural instinct is to find a girlfriend once you realize you’re lesbian… but I think it is good just to meet a few queer girls who are down to earth and just make some friends first. As your experiences build up you’ll soon know what you want in a girl, and you’ll be more comfortable with yourself to get it….
Good luck mate.
I remember one night (before I’d come out of the closet) I got myself all dressed up, drove to like, the only lesbian bar in town, sat outside it for a while trying to psyche myself up into going inside, and then drove home very deflated and disappointed in myself. It’s too much pressure to put on yourself. Like I say, the internet helped me, or sporting groups are another good way to meet lesbians in my experience. Grab yourself your local gay mag and check out the groups section. You’ll never meet anyone just wandering around the gay parts of town. when I first got to London I used to walk around Soho and hope some gorgeous girl would just bump into me on the footpath and strike up a conversation and that would be that. Lol. Unfortunately it didn’t happen. I really know how you’re feeling. Just keep persuing it and you will find a way of ‘breaking in’ to the scene that is comfortable for you.
Hi,
I can totally understand what you are facing. It could be so depressing sometimes. I live in a country where homosexuality is totally forbidden and it sucks to be here. I am having a hard time finding my other half, it seems like nobody dare to admit who they really are. I’m always ended up heart broken, and now I totally torture myself by having a crush with a girl in my workplace whom I don’t even know her name. Sigh…I think I need help too….