Need Some Advice?
Ok, so here it is, this story is complicated to say the least. About 11 months ago I met a physician in the hospital I work at, I’m a registered nurse and she is a OB GYN, her and I hit off, right from the start. By that I mean, she was so nice, and down to earth in comparison to all the other asshole doctors I had to deal with on a regular basis. I remember the first time I met her, I walked into the break room at the hospital and she looked up at me, her mouth fell open and she looked stunned, I remember thinking: “what the hell is this woman’s problem?”
Then she starting asking me generalized questions, like where was I from, how long had I been a nurse, that sort of stuff. Well, I have to say that my gaydar was “screaming” to say the least. I don’t really know why, except that I got this vibe from her, like maybe she was gay and she definitely found me attractive. I have to admit I also kinda fancied her too. Problem is I am 34 years old, married and supposedly straight! Or so I thought? I have never had feelings for a woman before like I had with her. I mean I also kinda was curious and wondered what it would be like to be with a woman, but this was much deeper than just wanting to have a fling with a woman.
This woman, would go out of her way to visit me on my unit, at the hospital even though she didn’t necessarily have a patient on that particular floor at the time, she would just ask general questions about my personal life, like how long I had been married, what I like to do after work for fun, who I hung out with… I begin to think that maybe she wasn’t necessarily being nosey, but perhaps she was asking all this because she was interested in me. When she would see me, she would always look at me from head to toe, paying extreme detail to every movement I would make. When other people were around us, while we were talking she would act, just like any other doctor… you know ordering tests, talking about medical dx, but then when we were talking alone, she would act very different. I remember telling her about a miscarriage I had earlier that year and she would tear up, and cry about it, it seemed anytime I talked about personal stuff in my life that bothered me, she would cry… whether I actually cried first or not.
I remembered one time, telling her I was a perfectionist and she replied that’s ok I like people like that, and she smiled at me. And then on another occasion a co-worker of hers stated that Dr. X really likes you, I wondered what in the world she had meant by that, but I didn’t ask. The co-worker looked a bit worried and then said, “oh, she’s that way with everybody she works with. But she actually was not that way with everyone we worked with, just me. She would frequently tell me how nice I looked, and she would make it a point to see me, even if she wasn’t working in my area that day.
Anyways, this type of interaction between us lasted about a year, I begin to have feelings for her, I couldn’t wait to see her, and I’m pretty sure she felt the same way. I felt like I could just see it in her eyes. I begin to ask around to see if she really was gay, and found out that she is 38 years old, never been married, lives alone, keeps to herself (most of the time), and has never been seen with a man. Also her best guy friend is an openly gay lawyer, whom she is very close to.
Now, I know I am a married woman, but this woman, has me wanting to give it all up for her, she’s so compassionate, so sweet, nice and very attentive to me. My husband and I had been having some problems, throughout this friendship with her, and one day I told her that we were separated and I was having a difficult time, she smiled, folded her arms and asked “so did he cheat on you?” I said well, I’m not sure about that, but I have been unhappy for awhile and would rather be alone, than to be unhappy. She replied I don’t blame you, then I begin to talk a little more about our situation and she interjected and said, “you don’t still want him, do you?” I replied no, then she said, “ok.” I remember thinking, why was it so important for her to know if I still wanted to be with him, maybe because she wants to make sure I don’t him anymore before she tries to pursue me? Who knows? Then she said, “well just forget about him and keep doing what you’re doing. The she asked me, “is there anything I can personally do for you?” Well, obviously I didn’t know what she meant by this, but what I really wanted to say is, yeah you can wrap your arms, around me and love me, but of course I smiled and said no, I’ll be ok.
Well, about a week went by and I honestly couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like I am head over heels in love with this woman, I could sit and talk to her all day, I wanted nothing more than to make love to her and make her a happy woman, but I just needed to ask her that one question. Keep in mind at this point of our friendship it has been a year since we met, and developed what I considered to be a friendship. So I did it, she had given me her cell phone number a while back in the event I had medical questions, so I texted her and said please call me, I have a question to ask you. She calls back in 10 minutes and is nervously laughing and she says, “what can I do for you?” I said I have to tell you something, I am extremely attracted to you, and based off our last conversations and our friendship I am sure you are attracted to me too, there was a 5-8 second pause, before she answered, then she said, “well, you’re very beautiful”, then she paused again for about 6 – 8 seconds and said, but I’m definitely not bisexual. Then she said, I never would have guessed you are bi, I said why, because I’m so feminine. She replied, obviously irritated by my comment, that no not because you’re femme, but because you’re married! It was clear that the previous statement I made hit a nerve with her, not sure why. Then she nervously giggled and in a high pitch voice said, “I like men, hah hah!” I’m thinking yeah right, she couldn’t even say it with a straight face without laughing, and I’m surprised why she didn’t just say that first. Then she quickly changed subjects and said did I tell you, I am leaving the hospital in 3 weeks to work somewhere else. I said no, you didn’t tell me, we talk all the time, and she never brought this up until now.
My feeling is that she was scared to admit to me, her feelings, because our hospital is small and she is an OB GYN, perhaps she thinks she may loose patients, if they knew she was gay, IDK . Then she begin to tell me, how smart I was, professional and how she thinks I will be ok, with the breakup, I told her, I was going to miss her, when she leaves, she replied I’m going to miss you too. She sounded soo sad, while we continued to talk, she kept breathing really deeply into the phone, like she was bothered by what had just taken place, she told me she appreciated my honesty about my attraction towards her, but I felt differently, I felt stupid and felt like I laid it all out on the table for her, but at the end of the day, she wasn’t able to be honest with me, like I was with her. Then she told me right before we hung up, that I could call her if I ever needed anything, this is so confusing, does she like me or not, why tell me I could call you and that you’re going to miss me, if you’re not into me. That was the last time, I talked to her, I haven’t seen her at the hospital since, although I have seen her cruising around town, so I know she still lives nearby.
Please help, I still have her cell phone number and we both know where each other lives, should I try again to see if she will finally tell me the truth, I know I have not imagined all this, I know when someone likes me or is into me. All I want is our friendship back or maybe more, I have never been with a woman before, but I can’t stop thinking about being with her, my heart aches and I think about her all the time. Should I just move on, or try talking to her again. Do you guys think maybe she was being truthful about liking men? I appreciate any advice; sorry this letter is so long.
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
Be patient!
Wait a while. Let her think a little alone. If she is really into you, as you suspect, she will admit that. She will admit that first of all in front of herself, then in front of you. I would definitely wait a few days, than I’ll try to contact her. But I would ask her to meet me in person.
You know, for a doctor this is more difficult (I am a doctor too). Well, I live in Europe, and still it causes problems if you admit your sexual identity. In my opinion, she is thinking about this right now.
If not, you were wrong, and she was not attracted to you.
Wow. Well, first off, I’m not surprised. I’ll get to that in a minute. You certainly have more courage than most though; a lot of the questions here surround the confrontation phase. You did the right thing by confessing to this woman. My gut tells me that you were right to assume she was into you.
So your big problem is, you finally gathered the courage to speak with this woman and her reponse came out of left field. You never really questioned her sexuality, you questioned her interest in you. Turns out, she’s “straight” to begin with.
I call bull. But, doesn’t matter what I call, or you call. If she’s “straight,” I don’t think you deserve to wait for her to come around. She won’t. She’s almost 40 and I don’t need to tell you how much pride doctors have. She’ll live an eternal lie. Perhaps some day she’ll meet a nice, boring, male neurosurgeon who doesn’t have time for a real wife. That’s her ideal match. She gets the straight label without the work.
You know her better than I do. I might be using my own experience to judge this one. It is why this situation does not surprise me. I was, still am, 100% sure that the first woman who showed interest in me, who confronted me long before I became intrigued in her, is gay. Does not change the fact that she has been married to a man for almost a year now.
This woman reminds me of her. I suppose it is possible she’s gay and never realized it. If this is the case, well, perhaps she will come around eventually. Sounds like you need to sort out your life first. I would not want to get involved, especially with your first woman, still attached to your husband. You need to decide if you want to be with him or not.
I don’t see anything wrong in one last talk with her. I’d suggest you opt to do this is person and see if her story changes. My guess is she will stick with her straight story. It is worth a try though. I hope I’m wrong. This sounds like something right for both of you.
Good Luck.
If someone is playing games like that, I would stay away. If she can straighten herself out (no pun intended!) let her come to you. For the meanwhile, if you’re n0t looking for drama, try to leave it alone. I know that will be painfull, but believe me, what she is offering (or not) will be a lot more painful.
I would stay away too like Sasha says, but you never know..
Yea, it’s easy to say just stay away, but they don’t feel how strong it is, uh? And you know in your gut that you are right, you can just feel it. It sucks to question something that you trust, your gut. But I think that the woman who pointed out how a woman of power (a doctor) might react is a real thing you have to contend with.
I take it she has now left your hospital? I think giving it a little time (if you can stand it) is your only choice. Not being under her nose to remind her of what she is missing is a problem. Maybe you approach her trying to see if she has some advice on how to deal with what you are going through. Play up the friend part, don’t deny your attraction, but let her know that it takes two, and you understand that. Maybe if she gets to sit in a place of control, i.e. you are attracted to her, but she holds the cards, maybe she’ll take a little time to think about it. But it’s pain for you…
wow.. I am in a similar situation… I am too head over heels with a woman who I suppose is lesbian ( she looks and dresses like a man so it looks real obvious ) , who was flirting with me and by all her moves she made me fall in love with her….I have told her how I feel too….and nothing. I am hurt, broken hearted and it just hurts so much …. I think I have to ferget about her and live on… and I’d suggest you do the same…if she is gay she knows where you work live тв your number… you should have your dignity. don’t call her again. it will hurt but if she will laugh to your face it would hurt more…. so …I will just try to stay away from my love.
I second ncalcamper. Ask her out as a friend but nothing more. Keep your dignity. She might eventually open up in future.
I was in this situation back in September, I met this AMAZING woman, who IS lesbian (I’m “straight”), we fooled around, had fun, etc but then actually turned around and told me, she wasn’t looking for a relationship with “anyone”.. Totally broke my heart since I’d never been with a female before. I still think about her all the time even though, she told me to leave her alone. She told me several times, she liked me and whatnot, but then out of nowhere said we couldnt’ be together, so I’m not too sure if she’s afraid of being with someone or not.
Anyways, I agree with everyone else… See what happens. There is plenty of woman out there, and of course… She’ll never be like your first, but there will be someone better – there always is. So just take a step back, and see what happens with your husband. You don’t want to try and get with a female, while you’re married to a man. Figure out what you want, and what you’re going to do and then figure out who you are sexually and as a woman. Good luck.
You seem way too good for her, i understand what you are going through a bit. She probably is gay too but is just embarrassed. She needs too sort herself out, until then you need to move on but, just in case leave a little room in your heart for her. I may have also left because she liked you so much and she was gay too but she didn’t want to cause trouble with you and your husband. Hope this helps.
Is this the only woman you’ve ever been attracted to, or have there been others? Like, have you found yourself attracted to a female celebrity? I just want to warn you, because you just need to be prepared for what it’s like to be into women. At first, it might not be the same as being in love with a man, but once you try a woman, you might never go back. I just wish you the best of luck in trying to save your marriage if that’s what you really want, but just be assured that we’re here to support you should you continue to want to pursue this woman or other women.
No this isn’t the only woman I’ve ever been attracted to…but this attraction is different..we had a friendship, a bond a strong connection; and in return I fell head over heels in love with this woman. My marriage was on the rocks long before I met Dr. ”X” falling in love with her just confirmed how unhappy I was with my current relationship. We ( by that I mean my husband and I) are separated..but this happened long before I told her how I felt about her. By the way, I ran into her at the grocery store last night; I’m not surprised we finally ran into each other, we live in the same neighborhood. We were face to face, I have not seen her in months…she looked so beautiful! I was stunned.. didn’t know what to say to her and clearly she didn’t know what to say to me either. She just stood in front of me and stared and then she dropped her head and looked sad. As I passed by her..she whispered how are you? I whispered back, i’ve been ok. Then we both continued on our way. I really wish I had said more…I wish she had said more. After not seeing her for the last 4 months, I would have thought my feelings for her wouldn’t be so intense!!
Wow, it sounds like there’s a lot of drama between you and her. Reminds me of the L Word. I honestly thing that if and when you see her again, you should make a move on her to see where your relationship with her is at. If she’s truly into men, she’ll shove you away and then you can try to find someone else. But if she’s into you the way you’re into her, fertilize and water that relationship as much as possible and the both of you will grow tall and flourish. Just don’t be too dramatic, okay? Relationships of any kind should be light and fun, with lots of naked giggling in between. LOL
I had a similar situation to this. Different girl, different setting, same strong feeling and bonding. I’m married, have two kids….
For me, it was really weird to feel so strongly for another woman. Didn’t plan on it, didn’t want it. But I’m STILL in love with this woman even though I haven’t seen her for almost two years now. She was just that type of person that made me feel alive.
My confrontation with her didn’t freak her out…but it did make our friendship go downhill. She said she wasn’t into that sort of thing…I tried telling her I wasn’t either but for some reason felt strongly towards her. It made her uncomfortable….and for a while I questioned if my ‘gut feeling’ about how she might feel towards me had been wrong all along…but I really don’t think so. I think she was just afraid to explore these feelings. She slowly stopped calling and texting… then started to have ‘too much to do’ whenever I’d ask her to go hang out. This whole experience for me left me asking myself if I was dellusional…. did I somehow turn into a pervert and feel ‘vibes’ from her that weren’t really there? I don’t know. It started out as just feeling completely in love, like i’d do anything for her…happily, willingly. Just seeing her smile meant so much to me. It hurts to not see her and I wonder if things would be better if I had kept my mouth shut and kept her as a friend. But then again, that’s WHY I confronted her, because the feelings were getting so intense that just being her friend was driving me crazy. I started to get so nervous around her. My heart would start pounding in my chest. It was hard to have conversations with her because I’d be thinking over and over in my head, “what if I just lean in and kiss her? like in the movies….just kiss her and see how she reacts?” wow am I glad I didn’t do THAT. I don’t know if I’m gay or bi… I haven’t really thought about any other woman since her. I can’t. She’s still on my mind. For a while I got really depressed….I’d send her emails that were so very long and I’d just tell her everything I was thinking and feeling….including how confused I was. Alls I wanted was for her to open up to me too, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. She wouldn’t tell me anything that she was feeling…. she’d just say, “Amanda, I don’t think we should talk anymore”. Eventually she changed her email address, blocked my cell from being able to text her, erased me off her myspace and after one final time that I tried talking to her she told me to leave her alone or she’d get a restraining order. I felt like a monster. I felt so ugly and horrible. I sat with myself for hours and hours, day after day, asking myself if her behavior was acceptable. I wasn’t doing anything ‘harassing’. I was trying to talk to someone who had been my closest friend for almost a year. And she just completely dropped me. Not because she’s mean. Her name is Stacey…and she’s the nicest person ever… she isn’t the type to play games or create drama. So it’s not like that. I mean, for her to do that she really REALLY must have felt like I had gone psycho on her. I think the whole thing scared her. I know there was something there that went beyond friendship. How can you be so wrong with such an incredible gut feeling about someone?
Anyways, I’m sorry for what you went through. It especially hurts when you lose the friendship/closeness of that person. It’s all the more confusing when you didn’t do anything to ask for this. Seriously, I didn’t WANT these feelings. I TRIED to smother them, ignore them, pray to God to take them away. I fell in love with a woman… and got rejected. Sounds like you did too.
If the doctor is a lesbian then she might not want to be with a woman who isn’t a lesbian. And luvpink is also MARRIED. The doctor would not want a scandal of her breaking up a heterosexual marriage.
I’m a lezbian and I was a little irritated myself reading that luvpink said “why, because I’m so feminine”. Why do “straight” people still think lesbians are less than feminine or less than women??
The doctor said she’s “definitely not bisexual” and “like men” so luvpink should just take that as the truth. Luvpink is “straight” and fell for a woman so the doctor could be “straight” and fell a little for her. Or maybe the doctor just wanted a female friend who worked at the hospital. Or maybe the doctor asked all the personal questions to see if luvpink was a lesbian who had married a man. Some women do that – marry men and years later leave the husband saying they are lesbians. Interesting story.