Confused and in need of help

Sorry this is so long, but I need advice and I want people to know where I’m coming from:

I’m a high school senior who has had a varied series of relationships and sexual experiences.  Growing up I was attracted to girls and by the time I reached middle school I had come to terms with being a lesbian.  I cried a lot because I live in an extremely small town and was worried about what would happen if I came out.   As a high school freshman I still was not out and blamed my disinterest in boys on pickiness, all while hiding a major crush on a gorgeous friend of mine that I had become very close with.  When we were both sophomores we started sleeping together and developed a relationship which was on and off again for around six months.  Those six months were the best and worst of my life as we had constant fights, countless days of ignoring each other, nasty rumors spread about us (our relationship was “secret”), but we also had wonderful conversations, amazing sex, really fun times together, and a very tight bond.  The only reason we didn’t break up was because I was in love with her and didn’t think I could find another girl to be with.  

Near the end of our relationship a boy I was very close with admitted to me that he had made out with my girlfriend and that she had initiated it, and that he told me because he didn’t want me to get hurt.  I ended it with her and after a month of intense friendship with this boy he asked me out.  I accepted although I was not attracted to him and spent the first week of our relationship freaking out because I still thought I was gay.  He showed me what it meant to have a good relationship and we had a lot of fun together.  He came out to me as bisexual and helped me come out as bisexual too, although I still was ambivalent about my true sexuality.  Unfortunately, the sexual aspect of our relationship brought it to an end.  I found him very attractive but was not truly attracted to him, and so doing sexual things with him made me sick.  We broke up shortly after I gave him oral sex because doing so made me cry.  We had only been dating for three months when it ended, but I was not upset.  After him I made out with four other boys before my junior year, but I didn’t enjoy it at all.

I spent the end of my sophomore year and the summer before my junior year as someone for bi-curious girls to experiment with.  I enjoyed it thoroughly and was 100% sure that I was a lesbian, especially after my bad experiences with boys.  I came out to my parents and they weren’t surprised, so I felt good about the whole thing.  When junior year started I put sex and relationships on hold because I was taking difficult classes and wanted to get good grades.  However, that October something happened that turned my whole world upside down.  I met a boy who I fell completely and head-over-heels in love with.  He had a girlfriend when we met and after a few months of us being best friends he dumped her for me.  We have been together now for a year and I love him immensely.  We have sex and it’s great and does not bother me at all.  All of my friends are jealous of how wonderful our relationship is, and I truly enjoy being with him.

However, recently I keep noticing women more than I have in the past in our relationship.  Sometimes when we have sex I’ll think of one of my hot best friends, and I sometimes look at lesbian porn when I’m horny and alone.  I also find myself flirting with girls when I’m not around him, and checking them out even when I am with him.  He knows about my sexuality and until recently was fully supportive of it, but now he seems worried and asked me how can he be sure that I won’t “run off and ditch him for a girl.”  I told him this is ridiculous because I really do love him and want to be with him, but now I’m not so sure.  Fortunately, I haven’t met a girl that I like anywhere near as much as I like him.  Has this happened to anyone before?  Should I try not to think about girls?  Or should I just let myself fantasize about girls that I meet and hope that it doesn’t turn into anything else? Am I really gay and just confused?  I really need some help here, because I just don’t know what to do.

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