New and in Need of Some Advice…
Hi, first I’d like to say that I used to follow this site avidly for some time last year. Though I was hesitant to post until I had sorted myself out a bit, I was very much impressed by the people stories and the incredible support system that exists here. Now that I can more or less feel where I’m at, I cannot wait to dive in and experience this site first hand.
Okay, so now the “in need of advice part”. My situation is as follows…
I’m a first semester freshman and am more or less an “out” lesbian and upon being here at college I have fallen madly in love with a senior girl who is presumably and most probably straight. In fact by my calculations (yes, I’ve actually tried figuring this out, like I said, really in love) there’s the odds that she may be bisexual are 1 in 24 (don’t worry about how I got this, that’s a story in and of itself). I could go on talking about every which way she is as incredibly wonderful as she is, but that would require a lot of writing and would be completely beside the point.
I have had my share of straight-girl crushes that I have never pursued, mostly because they were primarily fantastical and I felt like I would be considered too young to be taken seriously, but this one is by far the most serious and mind wrenching. There’s definitely something about being at college that makes me feel like I am in a more appropriate place to pursue an unrequited and considerably unconventional love.
She is probably one of the only people that holds a place in my life, whom I haven’t told of my lesbianism. There’s a small chance that she may know, but if so then not from me, and though I would love to just tell her and shamelessly be myself already, it is considerably harder to come on to a straight girl when she knows you are gay, therefore I remain reserved.
She is kind of my mentor for one of my classes and this is what initially led to our association with one another. We’ve had a few personal moments but other than that, she has her own circle of friends and her own life despite me (she is after all a senior). And while she may mean a great deal to me, I probably have little to no place in her day-to-day life.
However, I am ideally optimistic and could very much picture myself loving her better than she had ever been loved before (I know that she has had one long relationship with a guy before that could have been classified as unhealthy and it did not end well). My problem is making this known to her, or just starting small and letting her know I have feelings for her. I know I’d probably be better off putting my energies into getting over her rather than pursuing her, but that just doesn’t feel like a comfortable, viable option right now.
My plan is to get some one-on-one time with her, like a casual lunch date or something, talk and bond a little and at the right moment, subtly divulging that I have some feelings for her. I’m a big believer in the fluidity of sexuality and the idea that someone can fall for a person whom they never thought it possible to fall for. However, I am not entirely sure what is the right thing to do or how to do this. There is a rather big chance that she will shoot me down and forever look at me as the poor little gay girl she had to turn away, rather than act on spontaneity, understand that she is dearly loved and decide to go with it. I kind of wish it was like those movies where the girl manages to spark some intrigue within her skeptic lover and get her to take a shot at love.
Should I pursue this (I want to, I feel as though I must)? How should I pursue this? How do I tell her without making her feel uncomfortable? Is there any way of convincing her or showing her that I am worth taking a chance on? Do you think it’s possible for this most-likely-straight girl to turn around for love? How do I gracefully rise up if and when I’m turned down? Is there a way of wooing her beforehand (flattery etc…)?
Apologies for the incredibly long rant and thank you in advance for the advice!
RR
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I don’t read anything that sounds like either one of you is unhappy...
I might come out to her first. That will get her mind thinking, without putting a lot of pressure on her to respond in any particular way. Also if she knows you are a lesbian, she will start to interpret the energy between you two differently, and you will be able to start figuring things out at the vibe level before making a move.
I am a woman who was straight, who fell in love with a friend who is lesbian. Knowing that she was a lesbian made the interactions between us pretty hot far before I was really able to put the pieces together about what was happening to me. It was nice because there was a good simmer. I don’t know what I would have done if a woman had asked me out at the same time as revealing her sexual orientation . . probably I would have just thought “it can’t be possible” and averted my eyes, even though I know now that I really wanted to!
Once she knows more about who you are then you will have a lot more information, plus the whole thing can be pretty sexy (that slow sizzle) for when you do get ready to actually tell her you are in love with her in particular. Course there are lots of different ways to handle this . . good luck!
What if you tell her accidently that you’re a lesbian? Like when you’re talking to her, maybe drop the name of a celebrity in the conversation. Ask her stuff like “what do you think of the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie situation?”
I’m sure you know that Angelina has had relationships with women in the past, so maybe follow up the earlier question with something like “who’s more beautiful, Brad or Angelina?”
You could say that you think Brad is gorgeous but Angelina is so beautiful, and then ask her “did you know Angelina is bi? If Angelina wanted to have sex with you, would you let her? I’d definitely be interested in having sex with her.” If your friend responds positively, then maybe then you could let out that you’re a lesbian. So try something like that and let us know how it went.
Thanks for all your help thus far. Im still working on getting some time with her because that seems to be an obstacle in and of itself.
Also Im pretty sure I mentioned this, but the reason we even know each other in the first place is because she’s in part of this thing that make’s it more or less her job to mentor around a group of college freshman. Well I have another friend that does this as well and when I told her about the situation Im currently facing she pointed out to me that it is heavily stressed to them not to get overly personal with anyone whom theyre supposed to be “mentoring” as in no involvement beyond the mentoring kind. I’m sure there’s a good reason for this though none comes to mind at the moment. However my point here is that in my warped mind this may be a good thing. It makes me believe that maybe, just maybe, the reason that she has been so distant is that she feels something too and does not want to get in trouble with her program for acting on it. I’ll just have to test that theory next semester when she is no longer my mentor.
But yes, I have not given up on this yet! Any other input will be highly appreciated and of course I will continue to update
-RR