I’m In Love With My Best (Straight?) Friend

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Hello, so am 18 years old and I live in a country where lesbians are not given their rights, I knew I was a lesbian since I was little and I didn’t tell anyone about me , and two years ago I met R (who is straight) in high school  and she became my best friend, I fell in love with some girl in my school and I didn’t tell her because she was straight but I told my friend R about me and I told her that I was in love with this girl, and she told me to forget about her because she doesn’t know and she doesn’t care.

6 months later I got over that girl , and me and my friend R used to talk on the phone for hours about everything , and few months later I fell in love with my friend R and I told her but she told me that she loves me but not in the same way and am like a sister to her and that I shouldn’t expect anything from her and I should just love someone else , but I just couldn’t get over her because I see her everyday and she is my best friend.

When my birthday came a few months later she told me that she has a surprise for me and when I went to her house to spend my birthday there she kissed me on my lips and she told me that she thinks it’s wrong and she was almost going to puke but she did it for me, I don’t know what am going to do I love her so much and until now every time I go to her house or when she comes to me we have a great time and she let me kiss her if I want to and she let me hold her, but every time when we’re outside in some place and she see some guys she told me that she think he has a great body or that she want to touch his muscles and she wants him for her.

She always tells me that if she met a hot guy this year or the next few years and he proposed to her she will say yes and she will  have babies with him and I always listen to her and pretend that I am okay because she’s my best friend when I feel like I want to die. I don’t know what I should do. I love her more every day and when she’s not with me I feel like am losing my mind.

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