Late for work but writing this anyway!

Hi everyone, I’m new here, and I have no idea if I am doing this right. But I am going to continue as if I were.

I may be cutting to the chase a little too quickly, but I really am late for work and writing this anyway.  My problem is simple, I am in love. Completely, heartbreakingly in love.  With a girl I have very mixed signals from. I have only recently completely accepted my preference for the female form and I have as yet only shared this with a select few people. She is not one of them.  To a degree though, she knows, as we have discussed at length which celebrity girls and even women we know are hot.

Well the story starts almost 2 years ago now, when she started working with me. We were instant friends and she was quickly accepted into not only our work group of friends but into my own close knit group of friends. We were very close for some time and then she started going out with her current boyfriend, also a person from our workplace. It went on for some time before she told me, but that was ok. It was early days then, and as far as I can remember it was just a little crush at that point. So we drifted apart a little, still work friends but not really much more for a few months and then she was back and we were close friends again. Well we will fast forward to the summer, because all interesting things happen in the summer. I had a few parties and she always came to them, and we would always get drunk and make out. And we spent the entire time with just each other, always. Talking in the corner, dancing, taking off somewhere to make out, it was a habit. A habit we haven’t broken yet actually.

So this continued, and we make it to Christmas time of this year, and we get into the conversation about how we should try having sex with women (it has always been a conversation point between us, which women we would like to have sex with).  And we decide we’re going to go and try it out, both of us chickened out of course, either that or the possibility didn’t present itself. So we go out again for a night on the town, the whole big group of us, and once again we can’t be parted, but this time instead of running off and making out, we danced, and the whole time we just stared into each others eyes (I know, lame, tacky, cliché, but its true) forehead to forehead looking at one another. It was truly more intense than making out.

Well the next time we went out, before we were even drunk she said “I want to be with you” and dragged me out of the room. We didn’t get very far though because we were very rudely interrupted and the party was shut down.  The thing is, I am not certain that she shares my feelings or if she just likes the feeling of being liked by me.  Her circumstances are different than mine, when I met her she said she was “”uncomfortable” around lesbians, but that changed very quickly to she is “intrigued” by lesbians, to lesbians are “hot”, to she’d like to try it. I have no idea if she really was initially uncomfortable or if that was just something she said. Everything in me just wants to be near her, it isn’t just basic attraction, I just always want to be with her, to talk to her, to see her, and I go to great lengths to do so.

There is obviously more to it than this, but these are just some of the things I think are important. The boyfriend is cause for some emotional upset, I don’t know if she’s just using me for when he is not up to par or if she’s not sure where to turn. The uncertainty seems more apt, because going out with me causes fights in her relationship, not fights in her relationship cause her to go out with me. But on it really depends on the day which I believe.

So any thoughts, do you think it’s possible she may like me back. Do you think she is just curious and I seem willing?  Or is she aware of my feelings and just enjoying the attention. I think it may be mutual, to a degree, but like I said her circumstances are different and I don’t know if she would even allow herself to entertain the idea of anything but sex with another woman. Is it worth my heartache? Should I persist or should I just back off and leave her alone? I am kind of at a loss here, no idea which direction I should take. Does out and out saying anything ever end well? Is it better to just wait it out? Or should I just lay it all down and ask for truth, not any action, just truth? OK sorry for the ultra long post, but any suggestions or input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

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