Exploring my sexuality

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I can guarantee with 100% confidence that MANY women feel the same way as you. The reason you originally classified yourself as heterosexual and now doubt the possibility of your “lesbian feelings” being authentic stem from a culture that normalizes attraction to the opposite sex. That’s exactly how I felt before coming out…and actually, the thing you said about feeling intellectually attracted to men but not in an emotional or physical way hits very close to home for me. I had always felt the same way and two months before coming out, I met this very smart, kind, caring…etc man, we hung out a lot but as soon as he brought up the possibility of us being “more than friends” I knew immediately that wasn’t what I wanted. Sometimes it takes a weird situation to make your feelings apparent.
I wish I could offer you better advice, but talking about this with people is going to be your best bet..and for sure writing. Before self-identifying as a lesbian, I wrote the longest and most ridiculous journal entry ever! I just wrote down everything I was thinking/feeling/experiencing and by the end I was like “wow, I AM gay!” It was very enlightening.
Sexuality is so fluid and really should not be categorized. Follow your heart and be yourself. Best of luck with the journey, we’re here for you when you need support!

Hello.

Wow, this sounds familiar! My situation was a little bit different in that I had a relationship with my best friend from the 9th grade through 12h grade. We were best friends, and things progressed and turned sexual. Yet I still didn’t consider myself as a lesbian. I just assumed it would “go away.” That it was just curiosity, and I didn’t know what I was missing. Afterall, I hadn’t dated men yet, so how could I make judgments until I dated guys, right?!

My advice most importantly is to NOT force yourself into a relationship with a man. Just because you think it’s the “right” thing to do. Simply put – if you don’t want to do it, then don’t! People tend not to trust their own instincts and for various reasons, that’s hard to do. It’s scary to be in this “confused” state. But maybe it’s more of a denial state than a confused one. I can tell you from my experience, I rather call it confused than denial. But deep down, I know the truth. It’s hard to admit though. And it’s taken a long ways to even admit that I might be a lesbian. I even still have to term it “might be” to myself. Even though an outsider would be able to see it clearly.

I am engaged to a man and we’ve been together for 6 years. I am just now in the coming out process but I don’t want to or can’t let go of the “straight” lifestyle. Don’t let that happen to you. At least you are single and don’t have someone else’s emotions to worry about.

Maybe it’s time for you to go on a date with a woman. You said you’ve had urges but have resisted.
You are selling yourself short if you don’t try it. It might make you realize that that’s what you’ve wanted all along, or you might say, “nope, not for me.” The important thing is to allow yourself to explore the feelings. If you end up in a relationship with a man and “settling” than it will make it harder for you to explore the feelings for women. And keep in mind, you can have a “decent” relationship with a man if you are sort of in between bisexual and lesbian…which is where I think I am on the sexuality scale, so to speak. You can be in a decent, loving relationship, and make it work, however, it will never truly be honest or as passionate as it could be.

It all comes down to your happiness. You won’t know what makes you happy until you try. And speculating will drive you nuts! Start dating casually. And I don’t mean sleep around, I mean go on a few platonic only dates and see what kind of emotions are stirred up within you when you are out with a man one time, and a woman another.

Good luck! This journey is NOT easy!

I so resonate with what eightieschick wrote. I think it is interesting to observe that straight people never ask themselves “how do I know I’m straight if I haven’t at least tried things out with women?” That question just doesn’t come up. I wish it DID come up because maybe I could have saved myself ten years. One of the main costs of homophobia is that we apply a level of scrutiny to our desires that straight people just don’t.

To the OP, I think it is powerful that you managed to summon up what you needed to write that letter. I imagine it was good to get that written down. You don’t have to figure it all out at once. Just keep taking whatever steps you can towards being truthful in each moment that presents itself. Step by step you will take yourself to what’s true, whatever that is.

Another way to cut through a lot of confusion is to tune in to your body as deeply as you can. Ultimately, desire, like all of our emotions, is a felt experience in the body. Whatever way you have of being connected to your body . . whether it is sports or breathing or yoga or hot baths or being in nature . . whatever does it for you . . I would try to deepen that connection now. The body doesn’t lie. Try to just notice its small movements and its likes and dislikes without labelling or analyzing. Your body will tell you what’s real. Your body has its own rhythms and dynamics to reveal if you are curious and listen carefully over time in an open-minded way.

And you may be interested to know that, although there is the image of the lesbian who knew since she was five years old, the truth is almost every lesbian I’ve ever met has gone through an intense period of self-questioning and scrutiny about “can this be real.” When I first started coming out, I thought I was seeing through a house of mirrors, or that I would wake up one morning and everything would revert . . it felt like the world was a kaleidescope and if I could just turn the lens the right way everything would fall back into place. It feels like it took a long time to see that my awareness had actually shifted in a very deep way and things weren’t going back.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself . . step by step.

Hey I know exactly how you feel. I’ve asked myself those same questions for years and years, I’m just behind you at 25. I have to a degree been in relationships with men, although they have been short lived and each day was like pulling teeth. But that is really the only area that we differ, I also have only been comfortable calling myself straight and find no attraction at all to men. It is only now that I am learning what real attraction is because I am recognizing it now and allowing myself to feel it. I did also think I might be asexual for a time, but for me that isn’t the answer.
I wish I could help in some way, any way at all. Because I do know how you feel I know nothing anyone can say can really help the situation but I do hope you feel less alone. Best of luck

I am quite happy reading your story cos it was pretty close t what I had experienced too! Many times, I had questioned my own sexuality but I can’t discuss it with anyone at all. I am close to 29, never had been in a relationship before.

I had this close friend of mine whom I treasured very much but I don’t think I will ever have the guts to tell her anything cos I don’t want to lose her! I often fantasized about being with her, living together etc and even thought of including her in my will. At least, she could have known how much I have ever loved her when I’m no longer around. I guess, in this wa, we won’t feel awarkard.

My story is almost like yours. I’m 31 and have never had a relationship with a man simply because I’m just not interested in them. I thought that there was something wrong with me but last year I fell in love head over heels with this masculine woman. I was confused and scared at the same time but now everything from the past is starting to make sense to me.
I guess we’re gold star lesbians huh?

Hey there.
I can identify with you. I’m going on 26 and have never had a boyfriend. I don’t classify myself as anything, really, though I don’t deny it when people assume I’m straight, which is what people assume. But once you get to know me you discover that I never talk about guys, and I’m always flirting with my female friends. I’m probably not going to end up in a relationship with a male, though really I can’t rule that out without meeting every male on the earth. I just have always had crushes and been romantically interested in females. In high school I had an intense relationship with a girl in my class, but we never did anything but cuddle whenever we were alone because I was too afraid. She once told me she thought I was asexual. Maybe I am. But I wouldn’t say I’m completely asexual, just… I don’t know. I am okay not having sex. Which is viewed as odd, it seems. Anyway. I ramble, but really my point was to let you know that you’re not the only one.
P.S. Where in ID do you live? I live along the WA-ID border.

hello i felt i had to write something to you because you could be talking about me im 30 and ive only ever had one boyfriend that was when i was 15 and it never felt right ive been single for so long its a joke in my family but i dont mind being single and not having sex ive been pushing my thoughts about women to the back of my head for so long i cant do it anymore x

Your story really resonated with me. I’m 19 and I feel like I am going through the same thing right now. I have never had a relationship and I’ve never been interested in men at least. I haven’t even let anyone kiss me because it hasn’t felt right. Stay strong and know that you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing your story, because it made me at least feel more normal.