Having a hard time moving on

I’ve been friends with someone from Europe for about 4 years. We’ve gotten closer the past few years (which I would’ve never expected).

Around late 2008 she finally discovers my feelings for her. I was afraid knowing that the truth was set free. But once she knew she told me not to be ashamed and that her “heart is beating like crazy too.” She also said “I can’t think of a way we could share our love more, but if you do, I’m open for that.” However I couldn’t find a way… the reason being the tremendous amount of distance between us… and plus I felt awkward. So we kept it as is.

About 3 or 4 months later, while she was on vacation, we spoke and in the middle of our conversation she mentions how she has a hard time logging off on me despite the fact that she’s 6 hours ahead and half asleep on her laptop. She also revealed how she used to fantasize about us meeting and hoped to meet me in her dreams. A few weeks after that we got in the habit of falling asleep together. She kept pointing out things that were “ours” as if we were in a relationship. 90% of the time she wanted to fall asleep with me there. However…Here’s the confusing part. One of those nights we were up late chit chatting until everyone else left and we were the only ones up. She randomly asks if I was crushing on anyone. I hesitated and said no. Then she goes “but you’ve been dating me every night!” I was speechless. I really didn’t know what to say. But she brought up the subject on us meeting one day. The following morning I msg her, responding to the question she asked me that night. I told her that my crush was her. She was very happy to hear that. She responded back saying how I make her feel good and how we help each other balance life etc… but because of the distance she said “but I don’t love you in a lovers way…we can’t hug, watch each other deep in the eye, make love, make fights, make dinner, do stuff. ” Which is understandable because that is the reality of it.

The following month we were supposed to meet but plans didn’t go accordingly and she was feeling depressed around that time. She started dating again and I couldn’t help but feel like ****. The person she was dating didn’t go far… at all. I recall her mentioning how she was feeling “lonely” and also say “I miss having a close one…someone like you but in real” and by “close one” she meant soul mate.

After her ex practically trashed her and used her. I felt like pouring out everything… Everything that has been bothering me. I emailed her a very long email. It was a very emotional email and had both of us in tears. But her response made sense… I’m still having a hard time fully accepting that though. This is a small part of what she said:

I love you the same way u described.

We share a friendship that feels timeless, and that’s something I recognise real friendship in. But I feel that u keep some doors closed too.

I know u found a soul mate in me, because that’s what u are to me. It’s like we could have met in previous life’s sortathingyfeeling. But free yourself from thinking what u don’t have, and see in me, you’re very special and if you think I am special, then consider that if I’m special and I find u special too. Things are all good.

This whole thing just confuses me… It seemed like before she DID have feelings for me and then just accepted reality. So she seeked love within her distance. But none of them worked out so far. Now that she’s moved on with her life I’m still stuck in this fantasy world… It sucks. I even try avoiding her but its simply impossible being that we’re still very close friends… I really wanna get over it now but it’s easier said then done. I wonder if we ever meet, will this all just go away?